Sunday, January 29, 2012

Do you See Yourself?

A teenager read my blog. One of the messages she felt applied to her. She thought she could learn from it, and brought it to the attention of her parent. Her parent read the blog, then read several more blogs, then wrote me on all she agreed on except one. She had good points, things I have thought about, points I have to change in myself but I KNOW are wrong none the less. The one she disagreed on happened to be the one that was brought to her attention by her daughter... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Remember, this blog is what I have learned and what I still have to learn and what I see about myself, my family, that I would like to work on changing. I get most of my idea's from other moms. (Some of them I am asked to write about I can not at this time only because of ONE person in my life that will use what is found against my family.) No one is called out, nothing is specific to anyone but my own family. If you see something of yourself in a subject, please remember that I did not put you there. YOU put YOU there. And that is actually a GOOD thing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~We had a pretty tense talk, worked through it, and I have several more ideas just from her. She is a good mom. Her daughter thinks so too. But her daughter found ONE thing she knows both her mom and her can work on. It hurts to be shown a fault (and my boys have no problem showing me!) and we fight it at first, we strike out...but that is only because we saw something we were not happy with. We found that maybe, just MAYBE we were not aware of an issue that could use some adjusting. My dad said to remember every time you point fault at someone else, there are three more fingers pointing back at yourself. If you see yourself, please don't blame the writer, or the one that brought it to your attention. Use what you can, dump the rest, but always be willing to grow...to progress. None of us have reached our true potential. Why not use the help that's out there? Love always, "Miss Goody Two Shoes" :)

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Disrespect is OBVIOUS even if you are OBLIVIOUS.

Respect is a valuable tool that we teach our kids from the beginning. It's also something we learn as we grow and form new relationships. Respect for a man and woman, the foundation of a home, the husband and wife fixture, the basis of all strong relationships are what our children learn first. They see their parents interact. They see them communicate with words and gestures to and for each other. A little girl will copy this behavior with her dolls in play, so you know they are watching and listening at all times. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I sat in a restaurant tonight and was given a lesson on what happens when we don't watch what we teach our children. A child was in line with his mother at the buffet and she scolded him attempting to put his hand in a dish he wanted. He out right said, "I'm telling Dad on you!" If it was me, I would have laughed that my child even THOUGHT to say something so absurd. But this mother was terrified and chased after her son. They got to the table and (I could not hear across the room) he pointed and stamped his little foot at his mom who stood dumb holding his plate. The dad took the plate from her hands, gently led the boy to the bench, then raised his voice to the woman and pointed for her to go back to the buffet....WHICH SHE DID! This FATHER/HUSBAND/MAN is teaching his son to disrespect his mom, which in turns teaches him to disrespect his girlfriends/wife/ALL women in the future. I was stunned. Obviously that is how they run their family. She chooses to stay with someone that belittles her in front of her child in a restaurant full of people. But THEIR CHOICES are ruining the future of a little boy and another child, quite possible female, sitting at that table as well!!! I witnessed fights and arguments growing up between my parents, I am sure we all do, it's healthy to disagree. But for every one of those fights, I saw love, a hug, wrestling or even an occasional butt grab. (Insert blush here) I knew that it was possible to love and respect the person, but not their idea's and choices. I learned growing up and having to face those issues myself in marriage, that same respect I was taught as a child would be needed. My husband infuriates me sometimes. Sometimes I just don't feel like talking it out or fixing the problem right away...but I DO NOT DISRESPECT him in the process. No names you can't take back. No gestures that leave marks on the skin, heart or mind. And never, NEVER belittle him in PUBLIC!!!! We just don't DO that! Not in front of friends or family, not in front of our children. It's okay to point out a problem, to disagree. Do NOT make it a personal attack with added nasty tones, a dirty look all the while pretending you and your spouse are the only one that can understand what is going on between you. Disrespect is OBVIOUS even if you are OBLIVIOUS. The rest of us, and especially the children that are a part of the family daily, can see it. Don't make your kids think this is how you treat someone you love....

Friday, January 27, 2012

Don't Compare!!!!

***************************************************************************************Remember each kid excels in different areas – some breeze through math, others spell and write and read better. Still others are all about history and geography – where we are in the nation and the world – good with maps. Some kids can master two or three subjects and get by in others where a sibling surpasses them and sucks at the others. That’s okay. Some kids are analytical, others think more in the abstract. Some have tunnel vision on a project or task, others can see the big picture, or multitask. If you asked me to describe MY four children and what I think they did and do well, I could list all the traits, strengths and weaknesses. That’s what makes each of them special – there is no comparison to each other, other than having the same mom and dad and different degrees of the best and worst of us. *************************************************************************************** I was talking to one of the 'Moms' I get advice from (very often let me tell you) and decided to share what she sent although she decided to remain nameless in this case. I believe she has a very good point. I was talking to her about how easy it was to teach math to my youngest child, and how hard 'in comparison' it was to teach this to the one above him at the same age. I was actually comparing the two different experiences I had with teaching, especially with six years between them and my lack of experience because of that gap. But when I read back her reply, it hit home. I DID just compare two of my children against each other, even without thinking of it. How many times do we do this? In our hearts, then our heads and out our mouths. If YOU compare them then THEY compare themselves to each other. It goes beyond just school. In their heads it then goes to sports, looks, personality, and eventually they feel 'less' of themselves because they don't match up to the other siblings. I don't yet know how to stop it, and thinking on it honestly, I do this WAY more often than I like OUT LOUD. This is something I found I need to work on, and I am thankful for a mothers advice.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Procrastination is a Killer

My son had five days to complete an assignment, and two other missing assignments. He came home on the last day asking to go outside for an hour. I told him no. He tried to convince me he could finish the work when he came in. I mentioned that if that statement was true, the work would already be done and we wouldn't be arguing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I happen to be the same way. An idea can overwhelm me. Not the actual work of it, but just the idea. If I get determined, decide I need this done with to have MY time back, I push through it and get on it right away no matter HOW difficult. Like TAXES with a POA, doing it on my own. Rather than just sitting and obsessing about all the things I didn't have or how difficult it would be to answer questions on my own, I marched right in there. Thinking about it was worse than it was. In fact, it was pretty easy. I try to do my best to live by example, show my kids the right way to do things. It doesn't matter how many times I preach it, showing it is what they actually learn from. For a child with LD like two of my teens, this is a very valuable asset. They work things up in their mind until they are quite scary to face, and it takes all you have as a parent to make sure you know what needs to be done and force them to face it. In no time at all my oldest will be out on their own, without me to tell them to get a project done for work, or even get up and out the door on time! I won't be there to make sure the alarm goes off, or that he has proper clothes washed for the days work. He has to do it on his own. At 16, he still doesn't have all this down, but he knows more than most kids his age. I told him honestly, homework IS your job...which shows future employers by your grades that you take the time to do the job and do it right. I don't want you to forget to pay bills, get in debt, and have to come home for me to fix it. I have to put you out there on two feet, on solid ground, so you need to take the extra effort to do some standing on your own. You want to be able to make your own choices? Start making the right ones right now, and the hard ones won't be so hard. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He finished his work. Lets hope procrastination happens less often, that my 'mama speech' was more than just words. Maybe I should talk to the other boys too, and save some time and tension.............maybe later. Nah, just kidding!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Un Wicked Step Mother

Dear Step Mom, A biological parent's feelings will be influenced by what the children say about you. Kids, like adults, are quicker to complain than say good things, especially if they believe their mother doesn't want to hear about what a wonderful person you are to them. Remember the good you do, do not change it, and do your best to understand. Sincerely, Un Wicked Step Mother

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Denial is Detrimental

Said by a father: "You can't be blamed for the fact that your child has a Learning disability, but you CAN certainly be blamed for the fact that you didn't do anything about it....Denial is detrimental to the well being of your offspring." I am surprised, because father's don't like the 'label' so they ignore it, hoping that it will go away. So, while they are ignoring it, the child doesn't get the help they need. Not because they don't have a problem, but because the parent doesn't admit to the problem. Thank goodness my kids communicate their needs pretty clearly and I was able to get help right away. They have bright futures because my ego didn't get the better of me and I never worried about 'what other's will think" about my parenting skills and how "I made them this way". Our family is lucky. God blessed us with a child that had a minor LD 10 years ago. I didn't want to hear it, I didn't want to accept it, and so I went to a counselor to help him and me. She was wonderful, and pretty much said what the father did above. I regained focus. This was not about me or what others think, this was helping my son fulfill his dreams and helping him down this 'new' road. He works harder than most, but he succeeds and I am proud of him. Then God blessed us with another son, also having LD but more severe, two separate problems. It was harder to get him help, harder to find the resources, but we did after a year of being proactive. Since then, he has also succeeded, and continues on his path daily with us supporting him from the sidelines. Our biggest challenge yet was harder to swallow. Another of our children, super smart, off the charts for his grade level and the next one as well....~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He has Aspergers. This is also a learning disability, only in the fact that he is unable to be in a regular classroom with regular rules in order to TEACH him. He doesn't understand your facial expressions or the tone of your voice. Only after years of training does he understand just ONE of my voices, and that is panic. He does not have the ability to learn in a regular setting. We had to come to terms with his differences first, and the label that was put on him with that diagnosis, find support for us as well as him, then find a way for him to succeed in school. He is also succeeding. Please, PLEASE use your gut instinct as a parent. Listen to your kids. Get support in your community and school. Don't just assume they will grow out of it, because while you are waiting for this miracle to happen, he struggles daily. Don't bury your head in the sand, because you are forcing him to bury his right beside you.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Here....Eat This!

Proselytism is the act of attempting to convert by persuasion another individual from a different religion or belief system~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I just wanted to make sure you had a chance to read and understand that. I honestly believe that not only does this happen to adults, but to kids as well. I don't keep my eye on my kids to keep them from choosing one religion or the other...but I DO keep my eye on my kids to make sure that a religion is not FORCED onto them. A child is going into 'religion' with eyes closed and hearts opened. They have the ability to feel the spirit and to be able to feel when something is right. The problem is that they don't always STICK with what they feel. They share their ideas and the ideas are ridiculed, or they get talked out of what they truly feel is right. How does this happen? Well, different groups, different people, they all interpret the Bible in their own way. I am not going to say what is right and wrong because I interpret it MY way and that is good enough for me. Children can grow up with the 'family religion' but that doesn't mean they will continue when they are adults themselves. We can not force the Bible down their throats! We should NOT force them to believe as we do. We SHOULD sit them down, have a lesson, and ask "what does this mean to you?". You can give your opinion, they can give theirs, and BOTH will be right at that moment in time.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~No one has a right to tell your child that they are wrong. No one should be able to tell you that YOU are wrong. Why? Because NO ONE knows the whole story. That's why they ask what are your 'Religious Beliefs?" Because what you BELIEVE to be true is good enough until you meet your maker. I am not going to share my religion in this post, because all in all that is NOT the point. Lets just say though that one of my children does not believe as we do, and that is his right. He is not just choosing to go against the grain, he is actually listening and deciding for himself. He doesn't preach to us, we don't preach to him...but when he comes to me with confusion, I share what I feel is right...and most times he leaves with understanding and a lighter heart. I have a strong feeling that he will follow our path, but until then I will not be the one to force him, nor will I allow any one else to do so!

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Comments Cut Deeper from Loved Ones

Oh my,this is a work in progress for me...seriously. I think this one beats me up most at night when I am going through the days events in my head. I have always had a big mouth, and my lashing out hurt me and the ones I lashed out on. I have valid reasons for feeling the way I did but a serious problem with how I expressed it. I still do at times, but I like to think I might have changed where this is a rare occurrence. My husband would be the best judge but he isn't here for me to ask. How convenient for me huh? If my boys got a nasty comment from a peer or teacher at school, they would come home rarely thinking about it if at all. Now, if I was the one that said it, they would remember it and bring it up years later. "You have the family genes when it comes to the rear-end" "Such cute Bubba Lips you have" "you're not the best at this sport, are you?" "well, you aren't really a math wiz, ask your brother for help" "why bother renting ski's? You'll just come inside in a matter of minutes anyway" This list can go on and on.... No, these are not all comments I made to my children, but SOME are and that's bad enough. If a friend told them they suck at soccer, they would prove them wrong and work harder to shove it in their face. What happens if someone they love says it? They trust that person, they know that person loves them, so that person MUST be telling the truth. Why bother trying then? Ouch. I have three teens (we will keep the forth non teen kid out of this for now) and each has their own personality. Let me~gulp~'label' them for a moment. One has to be pushed to do anything progressive for his future, one has a mouth that might earn him some broken teeth in the outside world, and the other just drifts around in his own world lacking common sense. (I probably spelled that wrong!) I can handle pushing, I can handle the mouth (since I have one of my own) but I have a REALLY, REALLY hard time with the no-common-sense. It irritates me, and everyone else for that matter. We react to it, we make nasty comments, we use 'noises' to broadcast that he is again in his own world. I had to call a meeting on this. Not only did I notice that I was behaving in this manner, but that other family members thought it was okay too. We weren't showing him anything positive, we were proving the negative I am sure he already felt. If a loved one says it's true, they believe it. A Fact. I didn't want to feel that way about him, and I sure as heck didn't want him to think that's what I believed to be true about him. No more nasty comments, facial expressions or noises. If you believe it, so will he. He loves you, he hopes what you tell him is true, so don't let it be something cutting that he will believe about himself not just now but FOREVER. He has the voice of an angel, a beautiful smile that can't be matched, the best hugs, he can dance better than anyone in his family, he is daring and a hard worker. Excuse me...I have to go tell him now...he deserves to know all the great things I see in him....

Friday, January 20, 2012

We Shape the Clay...What will YOUR Finished Product Be?

This one is a tough one for me, and will probably be short. I have been raising my boys since birth, mostly as a single parent but with some GREAT support. This support has shown my boys how to act, what's expected of them, and how to reach their goals since they could barely toddle. They have built, installed, sanded, hammered, sawed, drilled, mowed, shoveled, along with dishes, laundry, cleaning, child care, car maintenance, sport teams, school work and volunteer events. If they show up at a friends house and the friend needs work done, they don't complain or ask too many questions, they get it done. No mouth, no groaning, just do it. They visit family that needs furniture moved, things repaired or an extra hand? They do it. It doesn't matter who it is, where they came from, my boys have been raised that it is what you DO for someone not what they can DO FOR YOU. We gave them the basics. We taught them that even children have responsibilities. We taught them that you don't always get what you want but you don't make a scene about it. We taught them that if you want to be, do, have something for yourself you WORK for it. Too many kids now a days hold their hand out without a word and it gets filled. If what they want doesn't happen right away the world knows it. Screaming and fussing is tolerated and even allowed with the excuse of 'they need to express their feelings'. Wrong. THEY need to understand that they are not always going to be top priority. They need to learn patience. They need to learn to give rather than GET. Any child over the age of five that still behaves this way is a shame, a sad, sad shame. How do they cope in school when their lackadaisical parent is not there to fill their every need? What happens when the teacher calls home about poor behavior? Excuses from the parents. Excuses for themselves to push the blame on someone else rather than having to look at how they molded the clay of that child since day one. Excuses where they don't have to examine themselves and their lack of responsibility in TEACHING them from the start. I have left birthday parties where the child looks up expects gift after gift to be showered on them. I have gotten out of line at a grocery store where a child screams and fusses for a treat until the parent actually hands it to them. Why? Because I have a big mouth obviously. I want to shout "THAT'S TEACHING THEM! NEXT TIME GIVE THEM A MASK AND GUN AND GIVE THEM A RIDE TO A BANK!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I am not a great parent, but I try hard. From day one I knew they would need skills to be out on there own. I wanted strong, capable men with a good heart. I molded them the best I could with advice from my support team, common sense and the love enough to say NO more often than they would like. I took the time to do what I had to do to put another productive member of society out there. One day there will come a time where my hands are no longer able to mold the clay that are my children, but I will be able to stand back and enjoy what they made themselves out to be.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Prejudice: Taught or Learned?

Prejudice: unreasonable feelings, opinions, or attitudes, especially of a hostile nature, regarding a racial, religious, or national group. An adverse judgment or opinion formed beforehand or without knowledge or examination of the facts. A preconceived preference or idea. I have an issue going on in my house right now that I am NOT sure how to deal with. I don't have any imagined 'fix its' yet, but I am working on it. Let's see...One of my boys was caught drawing a picture that was considered 'prejudiced' of which I needed to see to believe. Well, I saw it, and it is INDEED what I would call prejudice written and drawn by one of my children. Let me give you an idea of my upbringing. My father is military, he brought home soldiers of MANY colors and sizes. We met many of them at his work whom he treated with respect regardless of rank, or any other difference for that matter. THIS is what was shown to me as a child. This is what I learned was RIGHT. I never knew one person disliked another even though I grew up in North Carolina, which had a LOT of discomfort that I was never shown and never knew about as a child. So, growing up that way I raised my children the same way. They grew up in Alaska, which very rarely had any prejudice anywhere that I noticed to cause a big upset. People didn't claim to be better or worse than each other when it came to skin color. (Maybe kids thought they were better because of the money their parents had...but not much else) For YEARS they grew up not seeing a difference. THEN WE MOVED..............................................................Apparently I must elaborate. I won't say where although most of you know, but in this new duty station, my boys are exposed to MANY prejudice. Race against race of all kinds, but one in particular. Again, not going into detail much to save face for this place. Why? I don't know yet, but 'lifers' should have respect for their home. Ugh. Well, two of the three boys don't agree with it and WILL NOT put up with it for anything. They have standards and stick by them. Well, the third, not so much, obviously. He has learned to hate a certain race by his peers and listening to talk from other adults. He was not taught this behavior at home. Now, what I wonder is how many kids do as my son and learn this behavior from the kids that were taught it from their own family? How do we prevent such stuff from be show to our children by their peers? I have talked to him, and it goes away for months, but eventually I find myself back in this spot with him. Everyone has some sort of prejudice, even me, deep inside. You may not agree, you may get mad, but I honestly believe we all do. Old people slow you up driving or at a cash register? Kids annoy you with their loud mouths and crappy attitudes? Did you not think this was a form of prejudice? It is. It might have another name if you want to be technical, but it's the same idea. So why can't adults just have those thoughts and feelings but keep them to themselves? Why can't they just let their kids decide on their own? Even if you had your own bad experience, even several bad experiences, with one type of people does NOT make all of them bad. Well, my son seems to think so. He has them all grouped together in his mind, and pure ugliness is what I see when I looked at his thoughts on paper. I hate it. It makes me feel terrible as a parent that I missed something or didn't work as hard as I should in teaching him that this is NOT okay. What are my plans as a big bad 'teach them a lesson' kind of mom? I am getting my son together with a child from a race he seems to have preformed opinions about. I happen to know that this child is a lot like my own, and he is going to help my son learn that what he previously learned from his peers at school is COMPLETELY wrong. Then we will have that talk again and again until he goes back home.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Sometimes 'Surprise!" Works to Your Advantage, USE IT!

Just how much pre planning do our kids do before making a wrong decision? It's one of those choices that you know they thought about, and decided to do the wrong thing anyway. I assumed that if I put the consequences out there, they would thing TWICE about what they were about to do. They think twice alright, enough to decide the consequences are worth the trouble. With a shrug of the shoulders, they act unaffected when you dish out the punishment. When my boys take the punishment calmly and go about their business without arguing, I know they had it all planned. :) I am one of those moms where I want everything fair. I used to sit down with them and have a talk about their actions and what they should have done, since they were really small. When they made bad choices I calmly reminded them of what we discussed and what the normal consequences for that action was. They ALWAYS knew why they were being punished and what that punishment would be. You see, I thought that was 'fair'. Now, I am not saying this didn't work. It did for several years. Then, ta-dah!- teen years struck. Now they have it all worked out in their heads. First, they decide if 'X' is what they want to do...then they think about how not to get caught doing 'X', then they think about if they do get caught are the consequences WORTH doing 'X'. Well, Mama needed a new way of doing things.... So I decided since they had so much pre planning, then I needed to up the odds in my favor somehow. The only trick I had up my sleeve was in the area of 'SURPRISE!' giving consequences. Now, they no longer get the preknowledge of knowing the consequences BEFORE they think about doing 'X'. It might not always stop it from happening, but I can guarantee it stops it from happening the second time. And I am sure if I had access to their brains, the list of 'X' is a little shorter just because they are not sure of what Mama is going to do to them when they get caught. Notice I didn't say IF, I said WHEN people. If you have more than one kid, or your kid has friends you see often, someone always snitches. There you have it. SURPRISE!!!! :)

Monday, January 16, 2012

Teens and the Social "Sights"

"I'm probably gonna make people mad with this but so what. my mom had to open an account for childsupport 7years ago. we have only gotten 6 dollars in it for support in all those years. my mom wants to shut it down but they wont let her cause its court ordered. so we pay the money into it to keep it opened. we paid more into that stupid account that the person who its set up for. WE paid ourselfs our OWN support! i thinkits funny but other people wont." I took this off my sons page. I took it OFF his page as well. As a parent with internet access to for my kids ONLY at home, I have the ability to check what they are writing, what they are sharing, and to make sure it is appropriate and there is no form of bulling. Are these thoughts I would write myself? Yes. Should he? Hmmm, in this particular case I decided no. I have to remember who he has on his page, and what problems it will cause him. I believe 100% he has the right to share his views, opinions and thoughts, and even though this post is all of those, in a way it singles out one person. Granted most people on his page are friends that don't know who he is talking about personally, some adults and family do. So it was my personal choice to have it removed. I can explain my reasoning, and he can be upset about it, but in the end he understands that as a parent I have to make these choices. He calls it micro managing, I call it safeguarding. Some people might see it as me limiting his views and opinions, I call it teaching him how to share those views appropriately. In two years I am sure he will be blasting his views all over the place and I won't be able to stop him...but I can hope that I taught him not to curse, not to bully, and not to name names. I honestly hope that I taught him to share his views in an adult manner with thought behind them. I thought I might allow him to have a blog. If you have seen the show Awkward, the teen has her own blog that helps her vent her thoughts and feelings, as well as get her through some tough times. That Blog is like her diary...but on line. On line means that ANYONE can read it. I don't believe a teen has the ability to understand that his personal diary can very well be made public. This could help him, but it could hurt him as well. For the time being, a blog is not an option for them. Do social sites rule my kids life? No. Because they know their mom, dad, aunts, uncles and grandparents are watching and reading. They don't have the freedom to spill out their guts. They are learning right away that there are social ramifications for dumping things on a social site. My rule for their FaceBook is that they must answer everyone that sends them a message. They must KNOW the person they are putting on their page and see them at least once a week (unless they are previous friends before we moved)and they are NEVER NEVER allowed to post any threatening remarks on their page or anyone else. Guess what? These rules are not just teaching them how to behave while networking, it shows them how to behave in REALITY. The friends on their page see them outside and in school more than on the computer. The friends they hang with don't just text, they meet up soon after. It's face to face life they have, and they don't let a computer tell them how to feel, what to do, and how to behave. They learned these basics in the real world, they practice them daily, and once and a while...they share on a networking site. They don't have a pull to hide behind a screen, and by limiting access I don't imagine they will ever find "screen sites" more appealing than "real life sights".

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Who is REALLY "In Charge" of the Family?

Philippians 2:3-7 If you want to read it, then you have to look it up. If you are not interested, just move on. This verse is the basis for our family, which includes the military lifestyle and how we manage to keep the ship sailing when he isn't at home. My husband and I run our family 'the old fashioned way', where HE is the head of the family. Now, what does this mean exactly? Does this mean he makes the rules that we follow? Are we allowed to have our opinion? Can his own wants and needs override our own? What does being 'In Charge' mean for us? Our home has a ship captain, and a second in charge and some ship mates of course. If the captain is out or otherwise busy, the second in charge is MORE THAN capable of making decisions and getting things done. I happen to be second in charge who is put in the position of Captain quite a bit. The military has a big say in this. It is not at all strange to be in the home and feel the actual power change when he comes in the door. Not just for my children, but for neighborhood friends who have joined the kids. He is less tolerant of misbehavior, he demands respect, he expects rules to be followed to the tee for his own kids as well as others that have joined him. Now, the second in command KNOWS the rules, but if the Captain isn't in, the second in command can change a few to fit the situation. Captain sets the base standard, Second works with that but does more compromising to meet the needs of the ship mates. Do we tell the Captain? Maybe later. I don't want anyone to have the misconception that because I am the woman, I must bow to him. That is certainly not the case. Who reports damage? Who settles the little disputes? Who keeps the records and informs of problems? The Second. Could the Captain get along without a Second in command? No. He has me to stand behind him to whisper "uh, not a good choice of words..." or "maybe you should listen to this..." or "how about we think about this a different way". That's my job. I would say I am pretty good at it too. Would I want the job of Captain? No. I feel quite secure and happy knowing he is taking care of us. What would happen if there were TWO Captains on the ship and no second in command? Complete Chaos! Two adults fighting for the head, wanting to be the ultimate decision maker, refusing to bow to the other, and letting the ship mates watch it all and learn how to be bull headed and uncompromising. I had the job of Captain, and all the while I wished for someone to take the job from me and let me be the Second. I honestly think women are MUCH better at this job, we have a different thought process, we have different emotional stability that allows us to go from the Captain and Ship mates while understanding both points of view. Mentally, we fill this role better. I have to teach my sons to be leaders, to be the head of the household, and who better to teach them then a second in command. They hear me, they learn to listen to someone elses opinions before jumping ahead. They learn to treat a woman as someone special, the key to their success in a family dynamic, and love her for helping with the details he doesn't have the ability to handle. Is it possible for me to be wrong...Will others argue and defend their position?...Of course!!!! That's why this is Just My Opinion.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Gratitude-Coal for your Family Train

Taken for Granted or Part of a Team? How do you know which one your family fits? Can it be both? I'm not sure, I do believe I have felt both ways in my house. You can bet though that instead of doing what most women do, I open my mouth. I don't get nasty (most of the time) but I spell it out for my house full of men. I guess I never was one of those women that could huff and puff but keep doing what their doing while they guy wonders what her problem is. "If he loved me he would know". Yeah, right. We can't get them to take out the trash but we want them to learn to read minds. And what about the guy? Does he do and do without recognition? Does he ask you specific questions like "how did you like the dinner I prepared for you?" Us women say "well, why should I praise him for every day things!?" If you don't, he doesn't do it. If you do, he will do it again without you asking. The same thing works for you too! If he praises the fact that you got his favorite jeans washed and ready, you can praise the fact that he got the milk on his way home. Gratitude for the simple things, it is the TRUE coal on your family train. You can keep fanning the fires with false gratitude to shut the whining up, but your won't get nearly as far.

This works for kids too. My oldest was laid back, didn't do much because he didn't have to. The second oldest pretty much took over command. (I know the feeling) Instead of down grading the oldest for not doing enough, or making the second feel like he took over, we (as parents) decided to praise him for things he DID do. Now I can say, within a relatively short period, we can count on the older one to pretty much take over. His laid back personality is still there, but he uses it to stay calm and add some heart to hard situations. The second child has less responsibility, less on his shoulders and can enjoy learning to think with his heart more instead of his head. Using praise to allow for growth helped them BOTH, and also teaches the younger siblings who are watching and learning their place on this Family Team.

Don't Make a Drifter-Give Them A Foundation

I love my teens, I love all my kids...but when you are frustrated with them you can't just throw in the towel and decide "that's how they are" and let them go on their way. There is behavior I don't approve of, and boundaries they can't go past they they are well aware of. Will they push it? Yes. Do I let it go? No. Parents can't just assume their kids 'are who they are' and leave things alone to work itself out, they need to be proactive. I can guarantee that if I didn't have a road block or two in my way, I would have gone down the wrong road many times. My parents were there to steer me in the right direction, and I fought against it many times. So will my children. But I will never, NEVER abandon them to suffer through on their own. I guess that's just how I was raised. So if you have a 'bad' or 'difficult' teen that is going down the wrong road, take a look at yourself. Take a LONG look at where you should have stood up and said 'no'. Did you set those boundaries, did you say no, right from the start? Or did you imagine your child to be his own person right from the beginning and stand back and watch? Cherish their uniqueness, but understand God gave them to you to be molded. Step up and do what a parent should. I struggle, Lord knows I do, but I know each one of my boys is special and has a wonderful life ahead. And one day, one day soon, they won't need me anymore. That is my hope. ♥

MY proper order of things...

Okay, you have no problem signing a birth certificate to commit to that child, you have no problem signing a contract to commit to paying for a house, but you can't or don't feel 'the need' to sign a contract to commit to the woman you are enjoying the house and kid with? What?! Oh Goodness, another big "NO NO NO" to teach MY boys.

Job, Car, House, Wife, Kid. If they set the goals right, then no undo suffering needs to be had by anyone. Some of those necessities happen AFTER the wife, and that works too. Kid is LAST boys, LAST. You can't raise someone if you haven't raised yourself.

They seem to have it right now, but that doesn't mean I am going to stop teaching them, and reminding them....

Take the "Curse" off your Children

I was pretty frustrated this morning, someone had slammed a door when they couldn't find what they needed. Not a good way to wake up for sure, so I stomped out of my room to handle the situation. In the middle of yelling about the door, I closed my mouth and asked "what is the problem". I was able to figure it out and help a frustrating situation calm down rather than escalate. We found the missing item borrowed by dad. I stood there, thinking of what a good friend of mine said..."If you curse at your children, you curse ON your children, and they will have learned to do the same to THEIR children. Take the curse off starting with you." She was right. Taking those words out of my vocabulary took the power out of my emotions, and we were able to work through the mess a lot faster and the boys were able to leave for school in a positive mood. This mood helps them learn, helps them be there for their friends, and give respect for the teacher. I took the 'curse' off them this morning. Maybe not tomorrow, but it's a one day at a time kind of thing.

My oldest leaves toward his own chosen career in a little over a year and a half. My second follows soon behind, right into the Air Force at 17 years old. Both determined, both looking forward, both knowing that first step is going to hurt. I always wonder if I have given them the tools they need, if they have confidence in their abilities, if they have trust in God, and if they know we are still here for them...to where they can take the steps they want with out falling. I am excited, proud, and afraid for them... and hope I have given them what they need to succeed. So until the day they walk out my door, I will be making changes in myself that I know will help them in their future. I might not have a fancy career myself, but God made me a mother of some darn wonderful kids, and that's a good enough job for me.

What's there in the Beginning will be there in the End

Do you remember what it was that your husband fell in love with long ago? Are you still that person, have those 'things'? Does he? Why is it that we gain weight, change our hair, change jobs, and he still loves you? But if he doesn't, did those things change his love? Was it real? I have been every shape and size, I have had all sorts of hair styles and colors, I have been at the top and the bottom in jobs...but he still loves me. These things don't matter to him...so what does? What was it that caught his heart so long ago? I listen when he talks, I look him in the eye, I understand what he says even if I don't agree, I laugh at his jokes, and I take pride in his care of us. His decisions don't always make me happy, but I don't ridicule him for them. He loves me, simply because I show him my love in so many ways. Is that why I love him still? I love him because he sets goals and achieves them, his determination, his strength in everything from his career to his children. His giving spirit to people he doesn't know, and his ability to learn and grow in God. The things I love about him have never changed. So, we look different with wrinkles and losing hair, but what was there in the beginning will be there in the end. ♥