DELETE!!!

I can’t be the only one, but it’s not like I am going to go up to someone and ask either. I am wondering though, do you have the same issue or is it just me? If it IS just me, how do I go about fixing it?! Here is my issue: I have a file box in my head, one that has a bunch of dust on it, very rarely used, and never ever looked for. It sits back in the corner nice and quiet until, very unexpectedly, it FLIES open and a file is yanked out and shoved in my face. I hear, see, and experience a memory all over again. I am THERE, I hear what is being said, and I get the SAME feelings I did then. Let me give you some examples: 1)As a teen I was sitting on my bed, playing my keyboard (had to learn a song by the end of the week) and since it was so beautiful, I could not help singing along. Bette Midler, The Rose. To this day I sing along and my fingers keep the melody in the air as it plays. BUT, yes, the big But…someone came in the room and announced, “oh, there is a reason you play the piano because singing is not your thing.” I was embarrassed, hurt, and I shut up immediately. I don’t sing out loud in public, and not where anyone can hear me at all, since that day. I LOVE Pink, LOVE her, but I only sing to her songs if I am alone or walking AWAY from anyone that can hear me (I hope!). I am very discrete when I want to yell it out and bounce around like she does…but then that file is pulled out and shoved in my face. 2) A teen again, just learning to put on make-up, early high school. I am hogging the bathroom downstairs trying to do my hair and makeup. Finishing touch, the lipstick. I am very careful to put it on like it was showed to me by a makeup artist at Merle Norman. (My mother gifted me with a date with a makeup artist so I would not put it on too heavy since I was determined to wear it) Someone came in the bathroom, laughed at me and told me I put on my lipstick like I was playing in my grandmothers makeup bag. Well, okay then, I don’t know what I am doing. Guess what? Eyes get done, checks are done, and no lips….EVER. There are times when I put it on, then the file SLAPS me in the face and I find all these mistakes and wipe it off. The tint might still be there, so I add chapstick. You can’t screw THAT up can you? 3)I was riding with someone in their care, and we stopped at a red light. A woman walked across the cross walk, bouncing, barely bending her knees, taking REALLY big steps. It was obvious she had something wrong with her, and I am sure the people that loved her were glad she was walking. The driver turned to me and said, “Jen, that’s how YOU walk. If you ever wanted to know what it looks like, that’s it.” So when I walk with my family (SMASH in the face with a file), I don’t try to keep up anymore, since they are all over six foot tall and large steps are required. If I am laughing and joking with my kids and think my steps are too bouncy, I tone it down. 4) I was married young, a young mom, and although tired I still tried my best to please the ex. This meant dressing up for when he got home even though I was tired and drooled on. One day he looked at me with disgust and asked why I bothered putting on makeup at all, when it just looked like I got punched in the eye rather than looking nice. I thought it was too dark, I tried to fix it, no good. I tried calm colors like barely there pink, no luck. Same comment, same disgusted look. Even though we are ancient history, I still get SMACKED with that file when I am in the bathroom mirror. My hand shakes, I second and third guess my color choices….and sometimes I just wipe it off and go without. Are they true? Some say no, but no one will dare say yes. What if they ARE true? How can I go outside with my punched eye, goofy lipstick, bouncy walk and terrible voice? How can I go out in public like that?! What happens if I accidently do more than one at a time? Will someone come pick me up and take me back to the mental ward? This is all stuff that happened 15-20 years ago. I have had plenty of life experience since then. Why isn’t my file drawer FILLED with negative crap that people passing by have said to and about me? Why are there only those few things? And WHY or WHY after so many years do those stupid files make their way out to hit me in the face at the worst of times? If I could face the same experience again I would handle my business. I would tell the person that said I could not sing, “I know I can’t but I enjoy it, so if it bothers you then leave or you can feel free to join me.” To the person that laughs about how I walk, “Well, I am proud of my family and being the smallest one in it, I learned to walk BESIDE them by taking bigger steps. THEY are what matters, and I will find a way to stay by their side, even if that means looking goofy doing so.” For the one who said I can’t put on lipstick, “I have learned to live without it, and also learned that my lips are NOT my best feature.” To the ex that makes fun of my eye make-up, “I know you said it to belittle me, to force me to stay in so no one could see me. I have gotten more compliments on my eyes than anything else. So although you may be right occasionally, you are more often than not, WRONG. You lost.” Now all I have to do is fine a way to destroy that file box and every stinking file IN it. Or, in today's world, DELETE them!

Cursed by Karma

I am looking in the mirror, picking and poking at things that weren’t there just a few short years ago. Grey hair, wrinkles, extra pounds…the list is pretty long. Then I remember someone I examined and ridiculed internally back when I was young and snotty. Back in the day when you think your JLo Booty is gonna stay up where it belongs, and not a bit of cellulite touches your thighs and you don’t even do exercise to keep them looking so great. Smirk, judge, and hair flip. Yup, that was me. Well, Karma is a bitch. It seems that every one of those people I mentally judged has come back to haunt me, ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Now you stop and think, if it really worked this way, (and I am not entirely sure it doesn’t at this point), what will you be suffering with, in a couple years? That lady at work that doesn’t seem to realize she has a mustache? “They make stuff FOR that!” you scoff. Congrats, it seems you now have your own mustache and use every product you can find to help, and seem surprised that they don’t work. The woman with the beautiful face and upper body, but you stare in shock at the thighs that swing forward each step? “Do some lunges and leg lifts girl! You could be a complete package!” Well, you now have saddle bags, and it doesn’t go down no matter HOW many miles you run or HOW many leg lifts you do. The giggle girl with a great smile who’s arms continue waving even after her hands have stopped? “Pick up a weight once and a while, my gosh,” you judge. Now your arms are actually WORSE than hers, and even after the purchase of a Bow-flex you have some grand looking biceps, and still that skin hangs there… So go ahead. Judge the way she limps when she walks, or how tired she looks. Judge how many grays you see poking up around her head or wrinkles around her eyes. It’s going be you one day. Don’t shake your head and try to deny it! Karma is coming for you with every judgment you make on someone else. You are going to be in their shoes, with more than just that one annoying problem, and you will have to struggle with finding a solution, while someone else judges you from afar. I had my share of nasty thinking in my goody-two-shoe days. Thank goodness I never made a comment aloud. Who knows what Karma would be doing to me right now!!!