Responsible Party?

We sign a bunch of forms in the beginning of the school year.  One form happens to be allowing your child to use the computer and access the internet.  The school has a LOT of stipulations on that paper, including what email accounts your child can use.  It also states that they will be monitored.  You know your child  needs to research things for projects, and it's not like you are just letting them in a room to play around because it says right there that certain sites are locked out of their use AND the teacher will be there doing what you would normally do at home.  So HOW IS IT that a child can find pictures of the opposite sex they find attractive, copy and past up to 10 on a page, print up to four pages of this type off using the school printer right there in the room, then find time to write love notes all over it....ALL DURING CLASS HOURS.  Okay, so slap a kid on the hand..."Do not do this during school hours."  Otherwise the research and comments are normal for their age.  So what happens when the teacher finds the FINISHED product and takes it to the parent saying "this is what your kid did all computer lab!"  Who should you really get upset at when they bring it to your attention.  One of my thoughts was "glad to know my child is normal!  Whew!", next was "what a waste of school time" and the third and most irritating was "you are complaining to me about how my child used their time?  WHERE WERE YOU!?"  Research, copy paste 4 pages, print, write.  That is a LOT of time for no one to notice the child was NOT on task, don't you think?  So who was it REALLY that was not on task?  Sorry, in this case, it is in fact the teacher.  And if you had paid attention to your emails from a week before Mr Teacher, you would know that this child has a learning difficulty, they don't understand what you are teaching, they get bored, they do other things.  If you would address this situation first, the child would get excited about learning and would be using the computer for REAL work rather than something to pass the time.  But again, it comes down to you, Mr. Teacher to doing your job.  We parents can't come to school and do it for you, so we keep you informed, we give you options, we tell you our concerns, we sign your stupid paperwork.  YOU have to do the rest.  You are not a glorified babysitter, you are a TEACHer.  So, if you can't do it, your school has the programs and the people that can.  All you have to do is take the ball the parent got rolling for you, and keep it ROLLING.  Don't waste the parents time but showing us things the kid did while you were wasting THEIR time.  Stupid move on your part.  So yes, I will talk to my child, let them know that being curious is completely normal, but not during school hours.  Better?  I did my part.  Now go back to your computer, find the emails I have sent you for weeks now, and get going on finding a way to teach my child that they will understand.  Otherwise I will be coming to sit in your class and write down all the things you do during the school day that wastes my child's and my time.  (Still wondering what you were doing, Mr. Teacher, during that computer lab?  A half hour worth of copy,paste,and print, and you really never noticed?  What were YOU doing?!  How about adding your report to the one you gave me for my kid.)

Old Fashioned BIG GUNS

When do you pull out the 'big guns' when needing discipline for your kids? Do you do the June Cleaver and warn "wait until your father comes home!" I know many women think it's old fashioned, that we are giving the power to the fathers and causing grief for ourselves by making him the primary disciplinarian. Well, in my home, we use this. I am home with my children more than my husband is, where he see's them about a 1/2 hour to 3 hours a night if at all. This puts me in the position of having to do all the discipline myself most of the time. I have to keep them on schedule, remind them of chores, get them where they need to be ready and on time...so it's ME that usually gets the attitude and unfinished chores. I have to handle it. No one else is there to do it. It is MY responsibility to handle it 95% of the time. But there are those occasions that enough is enough, that they have rolled right over me and I feel like I am losing every battle. So, YES, I call in the big guns.~~~~~~~I actually give him the problem and walk away. Not fair? Maybe not. But it works. It's not like they haven't been warned. Both their father and them were told that I was washing my hands of it. Not just that, but the children are given multiple warnings before it gets to the 'Big Gun' point. They know it's coming, they have a chance to fix the issue. They can choose. Most times they think I won't bother dad with such trivial stuff after a hard day of work, and sometimes they are right. Ha ha ha, I have to smile. I do this on purpose. They think they have leverage because I don't always 'tell' on them, but it's ME that has the leverage. SURPRISE! You never know when that will be. I might change my mind at the last second BUT I may not. You never know until he walks in the door and calls your name. I choose when to bring out that weapon, not them. My husband likes this deal. He has heard that it makes the father look mean to his kids if he is only called in to fix the damage. But not so. He gets to play and laze around with them, he doesn't have to fix the small stuff. When I call him, he does his thing, the wrinkles are ironed out and he goes back to the way things were. He is HAPPY with this arrangement. He can't handle all the day to day irritations, he leaves that to the more patient one, me. So, does this arrangement cause the kids to see their dad as a bully, a parent that is above the other? Not hardly. The kids see me and hear me daily show them how life works. Only when they have gone past a point do they get their dad. But the time they have reached that point, they know he's coming. ~~~~~~~~~It was the same way in my house when I was young. My mom had to deal with our problems constantly, so she looked like the mean one always nagging and scolding, but my dad laughed and played. But oh my gosh when my mom called in my dad, we went running!!! We KNEW he wasn't there to play when he called our name, and we always knew WHY he was calling us in. We weren't dumb, we knew he loved us, and we knew why we were getting punished. We pushed mama too far, past the point of her scolding and nagging and we were IN FOR IT. Old fashioned or not, calling in the BIG GUNS worked then and it works now for my family.

Future of...Me?

With my husband having the job he does, I have 14 hours on my own to think-8 to sleep-and 2 with him listening to his day and trying to catch up on kid happenings. Fourteen hours to think does not always end up good. As I am going around the house picking up the clothes and dishes from the morning rush, then caring for the two dogs under my feet, I look at myself a little two hard. I think about little things like "maybe I should be on the treadmill, but then I would leave all this stuff undone" to big things like "I have a small job and love my ladies there, but shouldn't I be doing more?" This morning I had that conversation with myself, about getting a full time job...actually getting active about it. I am nearing forty years old and I don't have a 'career' or something fulfilling that I actually get paid for. Something I am proud of at the end of the day and can say I accomplished something. Am I running out of time? Will anyone hire someone my age with no college? Have I missed my chance? My chance at what? What am I good at that would do some good in this world? What are my skills that would be useful to someone else? Did I have them and lose them? Are they not discover yet? How do I go about discovering them? And on and on and on....~~~~~~~~Then my teenagers told me today was the last day to buy tickets for a dance I had just heard about this moment. I hurried up and got dressed for work, put the dogs in the pens with food, ran out the house to an ATM, ran into the school to pay for the tickets (which my son ended up buying double of) and get my tail to work. At work I get emails about my littlest son. My son has special needs and his teacher had to ask for extra assistance today to help him. I sit through my part time job with very little to do but twirl my thumbs and think about all the things undone at home and my poor dogs being locked up an hour longer than usual in my rush out of the house. As soon as the clock says my boredom for the day is over, I rush to a school conference for my littlest to try to see how I can help him adjust. I become overwhelmed at how hard he has to struggle and how limited I am as his mother to help. With the extra burden of guilt I rush home to take a remaining child head count (1-2-3 teens accounted for) and dinner complete before they rush off to church youth night. In the mean time teen #2 has a broken phone that the service company said would be fixed 48 hours ago, so while on call with them I am looking for teen #3 in the neighborhood. After getting the phone fixed with only a little patience left, the little one with the rough day says he just wants to swing. Well, swinging is good for the soul so mama could use it too. Still looking for teen #3 we go to the park for a moment. It's now six pm and teen #3 decides to come home to my yelling while he feeds his neglected dogs and I force him to sit down and eat dinner. Little one won't eat, not new, give him a vitamin shake, problem solved, but guilt rises. Onto cleaning the kitchen while getting the little one in the tub but keeping the dogs OUT of the tub, which I failed at all two out of three. My youngest didn't mind sharing a bath. Sigh.~~~~~~~~ So now that the littlest is asleep and teen #3 is on his way, and I wait for teen #1 & #2, I try to think of my original questions. Well, I got my answer.~~~~~ What is my future? WHO CARES!!!! I have more to do as a mother and a wife and for myself personally that a frigging career can WAIT!!! I am doing what God sent me to do. I am trying my hardest to be productive in my HOME, to send the finished product of my CHILDREN out into the world, where THEY will make a difference. I am supporting my husband who DOES make a difference, who brings home the bacon, and lends me an ear and support when he can. How can I not be proud of what I do at the end of the day? I DID accomplish something!! I don't need a boss, I AM the boss. I might not be GREAT at this job but I am GOOD at it. I use my skills every day, I discover them daily, and I got my chance when God gave me my husband and children. I don't need strangers or a huge paycheck to be WORTH something. My future is....RIGHT NOW, DAY TO DAY, and living every single moment to the fullest. And it's mine. It is ME.

Screaming Again?

Do you ever get irritated at that kid in Walmart that is screaming and throwing a tantrum because he/she didn't get what they wanted or something didn't go as planned? You shake your head, think all these bad thoughts about the parents, and cover your ears as you walk away. Now imagine a grown up in their place...Funny huh?~~~~~~~~~~~~ We do the same thing, we shake our head and walk away in embarrassment. They didn't get what they want or something didn't go as planned and they have a break down right there in front of everyone. Mostly in a reaction against the kids. Why is it not okay for a CHILD, one who is still learning how to control their behavior, but we make it okay for the adults?~~~~~~~~~~~ It's not an exact quote but Hall Runkel remarked "Your child can not just learn to control their own feelings and behavior when they are getting screamed at, they must first control YOUR feelings and behavior and THEN their own." How is that fair? We want them to do as they are told, even if they don't agree or if it upsets them. That is something they have to learn to live with and work around, all while controlling outbursts they REALLY want to have. While we set these standards on our kids, we don't set the same standard for ourselves. How can you really be surprised if your child feels it is okay to scream and fuss at someone? It's what they know, it's what you showed is okay, and it is something they WILL DO until they are shown another way. ~~~~~~~~~~ So why do you have different standards for yourself? Because you are an adult and have the 'right' to do what you want? You are probably right, in a way. But you were given the job as a teacher, and if you think this is right for you, then you are teaching that it is right for your child. Anywhere. Anytime. If you can erupt, you best believe they can too. If you think it is embarrassing for your child to behave in this manner in a public place, imagine how your child feels for you to lose that control as well. How embarrassing.~~~~~~~~~~ This morning I lost my temper. I wanted to dump a bowl of cereal over my child's head. Seriously I did. So I shrunk myself to child size to see if that childish behavior could be accepted. Nope. Didn't work. But that image of myself as a child sure did. I calmed myself real quick and left the room rather than yell and scream. If he can't control his own feelings, how is he supposed to take on the added responsibility of controlling mine? So when you catch yourself screaming again about something, imagine what your mama would do to you if you were a kid!

Broken Bird

Comment of a friend of mine, a male. "I always seem to get the broken birds, and when I get them all patched up, they fly away. No more broken birds for me." This was said over seven years ago, and he has found himself two more broken birds since then. I guess he is just the old fashioned type, where he feels it is his duty to protect us women. I asked if he thought we were less 'tough' in life than the males and his reply was 'you are supposed to be.' I guess that doesn't really answer my question, but his honesty doesn't make me think any less of him. For him, this is a true statement. He feels that opening doors, changing tires, plowing snow, even yelling at sales men is his DUTY as a male. He says his mother was hurt, and he took care of her himself from a very young age, as well as protected his sisters as he grew up. He didn't have a father, and he had no other brothers, so he grew up learning this on his own. I was his broken bird, although when he said so at the time, I got REALLY angry. Surprisingly, it was at the time we were going our separate ways peacefully. I just thought we had grown apart...but later I thought about it. He was right, we out grew each other...my NEED for him was gone. Not my respect for him as a person, but my real need for his support and encouragement was no longer a daily thing. I had respect for myself and could stand on my two feet. He was right. As soon as he was done healing the Broken Bird, they flew the nest. There is no real blame for it. Neither party is then getting their needs met. He wants to protect, shelter and love her like a treasure....while she has grown to stand up on her own, become independent, and believe in herself. Sheltering becomes stifling, protecting becomes obsession, and love doesn't feel like real love anymore. It is human nature to grow and better themselves. It is not her fault that she doesn't want to be protected any longer. And it's not his fault for wanting to protect still.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Eventually he will find the woman that doesn't mind the man being in charge, taking care of her, protecting her, and cherishing her. This may mean she agrees to stay home, raise kids, cook dinner and clean house. It may not. To a lot of people this may seem 'old fashioned' but there are BOTH male and female that still feel this way and want this lifestyle.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I think it's very possible that one day, after healing and releasing so many broken birds, one of them may choose to stay. And that's okay.

Cheaters Win Sometimes

I have this topic from four of my ladies and one man, but their experiences are soooo different that I have to be pretty broad to write what they want me to. I can relate to three of them, the ones that were cheated ON...but I was very open minded and listened to the cheaters as well. I have to say, yes, I understand what you as a person went through to make that choice, but honestly, I still don't think things needed to be that way. I can't and won't change my values, even if I give my understanding on individual cases. So how do we let or make this happen?~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mistresses and Lovers have been around since the dawn of time. It wasn't right then, and it isn't right now, but it happens, it is COMMON. More common than Faithfulness. What is your view of cheating? Some have it so anchored down to it being even the thought of another person. My question is how does anyone, especially your loved one, know who and what you are thinking unless you decide to see what happens and TELL them about it? I don't mean that you have to omit information, but if you see it as a fault in yourself and you know they would be upset, then FIX YOURSELF don't share it. Looking? Come now, we all do it. Some swear they don't, but they do. Just because merchandise looks good doesn't mean we are going to buy it. Why bother when the person inside the good looks is just more work? Look, admire, turn and walk away. Easy. Next would be flirting...this is a tough one for me. We all have different ideas on this one and not one of the five could agree. So I decided to say my piece, and I am probably wrong, which I am often. I don't think flirting is necessarily BAD. It can be banter back and forth that goes no where, it's just for fun between two people that know beyond a doubt that it is exactly that, just fun. You see old happily married men wink at young girls behind the counter at a store just to see them smile. That is flirting, and that is okay. If it goes past this to any of the next examples, then there is a problem way deeper than harmless flirting. Exchanging phone numbers. No. Big no. I have been asked for mine, and I did not know what to say because they acted as if we would go out for lunch or some such thing when I knew it was more than that but did not want to assume. So I did what any honest woman would do... I gave it to him...with the last number being wrong. So if he asks you to repeat it you just have to remember the last number you changed. :) Yup, done it. Sorry guys. Talking on the phone or computer to the opposite sex and getting personal. No. I 'flirt' with only the ones that KNOW it is just for fun, and the screen is up right there for my husband to see. More often than not it is a mutual friend of ours that I am harassing. If you are going to talk on the phone or the computer, you better make sure that your spouse can read/listen to the whole thing without getting upset. If you don't feel comfortable letting your spouse do this, than yes, you are in the wrong. Meeting up with someone? Depends. Meeting up WITH mutual partners, that is okay. Without? No. My rules for our house were set between my husband and I long before we were married. No man in the house if he is not home...no woman in the house if I am not home. Period. It doesn't happen. I don't care if she is nearing 100 years old, there is no reason for it. My husband is often told to go on lunch meetings, and if there is a small group, he makes sure one or more is male. Kissing? It's cheating. Don't say "Well I didn't sleep with him, it was just a kiss", because it wasn't just a kiss. Yeah, your conscience woke up just in time, but even that simple kiss was cheating. Sex? Yeah, you went ahead and cheated. No sob story of you feeling lonely, or being separated, or he cheated first, can get you out of this one. If you are with someone, and you enjoy a sexual relationship with another, you cheated. No questions asked. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I can go on and on about how all it takes is for you to say, "I'm done" and walk away, but someone is going to have something to say about it. It really is that simple. Yeah it sucks that they are going to scream and yell, but it will hurt them a LOT less if you did it honestly rather than screw around behind their back. One knife is better than two... but enough on that.~~~~~~~~~~~ Cheaters have excuses...they say things to 'fix' it, to make it better for themselves, to get themselves out of trouble, and us dummies WANT to feel better so we accept it. Honestly, with how much we take from the Cheaters so we don't feel betrayed and still have hope, just goes to show that Cheaters DO win sometimes.

Do You Remember?

Music...It's what my husband uses to communicate even after all these years. Music is one of those things that help me remember certain things, people and places...good memories. I remember the old stereo speakers blinking all sorts of colors when my mom put on her 'Monkies' album (and 'album' is a circle vinyl CD that we used to put a needle on while it spun around to play the music) I remember memorizing all the songs because she sat down on the floor with us and told us the words while she sang. She would explain what it meant, and we were mesmerized by her voice. I remember being afraid at night when all three of us little girls shared a room and we would beg our big sister to sing "Silent Night". Most times I fell asleep in the middle of it. She has our mother's voice. I still use it as a comfort when things get stressful. I remember sitting in my brothers "off limits" room (except to me it seemed)and listening to "Acappella" while listening to the stupid stuff my brother and his friend did the night before. I liked the close relationship we had and that he felt he could talk to me or around me without fear...and I still have that with him. It also reminds me of the times before drama and stress of growing up, when nothing bad really happened and if it did I was oblivious. I remember my boyfriend going off to the Army but calling me before he left to tell me to turn on the radio. A music request came just for me from him called "Right Here Waiting" and that song both comforted and haunted me for years after. Just the first three notes would have me crying or quickly changing the channel for 13 years. It's also the song I got married to many, MANY years later. (To Him) I can't stand Simon and Garfunkel except for one song...If I hear it I will know it. One of the first memories I have of my parents are them dancing to that song. I learned from that one song, and the vision it brings, what love means and what it looks like. I felt it. I might have been small but I know that peace they gave in the room when they forgot my sister and I were there watching them just for a moment. When I miss my Dad I sing "Zipadee Do Dah" because that's what he used to sing for no reason other than he was happy and that was one of the songs he could sing really well. (Okay, I have to say that I would have to take after my dad in the singing department...it's not good, but we mean well) He always came up with silly songs but I don't think he ever completed them. All I know is he enjoyed doing it, and being silly, and us kids were a great audience. I remember "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" by Whitney Houston ONLY because my mom showed us how to swivel our hips to it. She could hit all the high notes, and I have never heard anyone but Whitney sing that song as well as my mom could. Figure eight girls, figure eight! She knew what she was talking about, that dance still works when it needs to. Do YOU Remember?