Marriology

There is some dispute on how “Happily Ever After” is supposed to work. Granted, I haven’t gotten too far into my “After” just yet, but I am lucky enough to be around parents and grandparents that have made it 40 and more years, even going into the great beyond together. I am probably not the best one to be writing this either, since I am on my second “After”, both getting as far as the 8th year… so feel free to correct me. I welcome the information for after the 10th year mark. If you disagree, then you are a little more perfect than the rest of us. Feel free to bask in the glow, and try not to think of when the other shoe will drop. J 1) If you get in the shower, always always bring in your own supplies. Never assume the towel you just draped there this morning will be there when you reach blindly out of the shower curtain. It won’t be. Your spouse has used it to wipe toothpaste off of his mouth, or to lay on the floor under his wet feet while he combs his hair and looks at this or that muscle. It is your job to provide the towels for him and THEN for yourself as well. (Honestly, who is going to fetch a towel when he bellows? He certainly doesn’t see the sense in getting out of a warm shower to breeze naked to the linen closet and freeze off his buns. But if YOU bellow, he ‘won’t hear you’ and you have to make the run just to be able to get OUT of the shower the same day.) 2) Speaking of that towel, it often wanders too. After you have frozen off your buns to fetch another towel, dried off, dressed and replaced it neatly for the hubby’s next use… you walk into your bedroom to find a nice wet towel draped on YOUR side of the bed. You now have two options: Sleep on his side of the bed that night or toss the towel on HIS side so he gets the same pleasure trying to sleep as you. J 3) IF your honey does chores, he will do that chore better than you. Not just better than you, but better than you ever dreamed and you have NO HOPE of ever doing it like he does. He will remind you of this as he does it oh-so-perfectly, and it is your job to praise him and confirm his proclamations. Your biggest mistake will be to argue his points or try to prove him wrong by actually DOING this chore yourself. Don’t do it. That is part of the game and YOU lose. The chore then becomes yours, and you will NOT get the praise for doing it as he received. You will also never be able to give it back or try to undo the damage. There are no takesies backsies. 4) If he is a mama’s boy, never EVER talk bad about his mom. Find a girlfriend to do this with. That little irritation you had because she commented on your cherry pie is just a little crack in the sidewalk when talking to your friends. It will turn into a hand grenade if you attempt to share your feelings with your spouse. If the MIL doesn’t like you, she will make sure you make this mistake often. I would advise that you not take them all to heart, work on going over those speed bumps and find out what it is that your hubby loves so much about her. If you choose to fight for his love against her, you will lose by how ever many years old your husband happens to be. Find a pillow to scream in then continue your quest to become the best daughter in law ever. How long can she resist your charms anyway? 5) Don’t comment on his clothing. He will remind you that you noticed him, dated him, married him in those clothes. He will be right. He doesn’t understand that styles change, or that you have a keen eye for what would look better on him to hide the faults he can’t see. Just buy the item you want to see on him. If it is a new item of clothing, you must hide his favorites ‘in the laundry’ first. Then when he grudgingly puts them on, you can moony eye him and dote on him to prove to him how good he looks. He MAY believe you, but there are ways to seal the deal that only a wife knows. He will look forward to putting on that item the next time. Do this the same way with shoes, hair styles, etc. Not sure if it works with a car yet… 6) Don’t nag. Please don’t. If you nag or yell more than once a day, you have slowly built filters in his ears. (and everyone else around you when you do this) There is a way to be heard when you need to be heard. Actually, there are several. (The towel on the bed trick is an example) Think strategically. Ask once with a smile, and get a response that is more than just him looking at you. After you get the response, give a kiss and walk away perfectly confident that you were heard and understood, and that what you asked will be done. It could be putting the tweezers away that sit on your shelf full of family photo’s. The next day, if they are still there, just put them away. J This will confuse him up more than anything. HE knows you asked HIM to put it away, but HE knows he did NOT put the item away, which mean it MUST be there somewhere and he is just overlooking it. His only choice will be for him to ask you for it, which you reply “you put it away yesterday, remember?”, or to continue looking for it just so he doesn’t have to admit to not doing as you so kindly asked. Either way, you continue about your business, only glancing at him once or twice without trying to burst out laughing. And when it comes to bigger things, the worst thing you can do is attempt to do what you asked of him YOURSELF. Flounder, be clumsy, try not to do much damage to yourself or the item but make it look like it will happen any moment. Make sure your theatrics are done where he can see. Moan, groan and say ‘uh-oh’ a lot. A man will want to ‘fix it’ and hopefully before it CAN’T be fixed! Pick your battles because if you do this too much he will surely catch on. 7) There IS a way to get your hubby to help with the school age kids and homework. Simply tell the kiddo’s to go see Daddy (within ear shot of Daddy) “since he is the BEST at this kind of work and if it wasn’t for him even I would be lost!” This means that Dad is now Superman in the child's eyes, and saying he doesn't have time shows weakness (his kids will think he is not really busy, just that he doesn't know the answers, and Dad CAN'T let that happen) So smile and drink your coffee while Daddy struggles through Math. (Or the dreaded science projects~shudder.) Okay, there are many (many many many) more ways to deal with things in a marriage, things you will run into, things you will have to struggle through in your Happily Ever After...but if you have fun with it and get creative it is entirely possible that you could be one that goes to the Great Beyond with your love at your side. I am still working on mine, but like I said before, I have great examples so this list will be updated as the years go by. Excuse me, I have to ask the husband about that front porch light getting replaced...

Shake My Head

While sitting in drive up at Arby’s in this little town and I ask for a #1 with curly fries and coke. Their reply: “Is that the sandwich or the meal?” “Uh, that would be a meal if I asked for the fries and drink right?” I said, trying to prompt thinking skills. “Yeah, but we are supposed to ask every time…” SMH ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ While standing at the counter in Subway, holding a bag of chips while they ring up my sandwich at the register. “Is that a meal?” they assume correctly, looking at the chips in my hand, “Yes, please” I reply. Their reply: “Is that with chips or a cookie?” SMH ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At the gas station in same little town as above, “Why isn’t there decaf coffee being sold any longer?” They told me they only sold one cup in four hours so they dumped it, saying “Besides, the Hazelnut is loads better anyway”, she replies sarcastically. “So the Hazelnut is Decaf then?” I ask. “uh, no?” she glares. “So why bring it up if I asked you about Decaf coffee?” Dumb look to follow but no more rude comments. SMH ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Feel Free to add your own SMH moments:

Debate of Experience

Should we use “Southern Protocol” and keep our feelings, personal thoughts, opinions, and life experience to ourselves for the sake of others? Man, what boring existence that would be, but that’s Just My Opinion. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I know there are song writers that use what personal things have happened to them to WRITE about it, then SING about it in a public forum. The person he/she is writing about knows it is about them, and I am sure they are not too happy to have their business out there. What about my favorite singer Pink? She used her songs to apologize, to fix her relationship, to show us that tough girls can be vulnerable too, that when you get knocked down you ARE strong enough to move forward. She uses HER experience to put her music out there, and to help others that hear it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tom Hanks is another interest of mine. He is a great actor (In My Opinion) that uses his experiences to create and produce movies, pieces of history that should not be forgotten, that features REAL people in REAL situations and how they got through it. I am sure some of the people in the production were looked at as the ‘bad guy’ in our eyes, and they (or their family) aren’t happy they were portrayed in that way. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What about Anne Frank? She wrote in her own private journal! She hid it! Someone found it, and someone made it public. Is her family upset? Are the people who are portrayed as ‘bad’ in her journal liking the fact that we made her thoughts, feelings, and experiences public? Is her family okay with this? This is real, it happened, and it brings back such pain and hurt of a terrible time in their lives. Yes, the family moved it forward to get the message out there. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Vincent Willem Van Gogh set the stage for Expressionism, a form of painting that expresses the artists inner feelings. He even did a self portrait with his ear bandaged after his self mutilation. Not only did he do this injury to himself to let go of his pain, knowing it could be seen, but he painted it to go down in history. He WANTED his story told. Do you think his parents and siblings wanted everyone to know of his mental instability? Do you think they wanted every9one to know he felt his childhood was “gloomy, cold and sterile”. His siblings didn’t mind sharing with people how oddly detached he was. The SERVANTS even had something to say about him as soon as his work became famous. He put himself out there to be judged. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Imagine what we would have lost out on if they had obeyed the “Southern Protocol”? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So why should we keep to ourselves, in fear of ‘maybe’ causing someone a little emotional pain just because they are affiliated with OUR life and what WE experienced in it? Isn’t our story worth telling? Can’t someone learn from it? Now, if you told the people with bruised feelings that it would be positive, that it would be uplifting, that they would be known for all the good they have done, then HECK YEAH they would let you tell YOUR story with them in the sidelines. Of Course. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My life has had difficulties, we all have, and I can honestly say there wasn’t anything in it that I could not rise above. I went down some dark paths, but I found a solution and I used my strengths and my resources (family) to get me OUT of that problem before it turned disastrous. I was lucky, I found those tools in myself, in the people I share my life with and the community. I feel strongly that someone, somewhere is looking for answers, that sits where I was at one point, and just needs that tiny window of hope or a word of advice from someone that has gone through it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Regardless of pouty faces and thinly disguised disgust, the people that take offense are MOST LIKELY the ones that have called me at all hours of the night asking for help with something they KNOW I have gone through. He/She knows I won’t discuss their situation without their express permission, but I WILL discuss MY OWN, even if it involves them. It’s a risk of being in my life. I can’t think of anyone that I would be able to talk about right now that I haven’t learned something from. If you know me and my style of writing, you know the only one I bash on is myself, or someone that DARES me and gives me permission. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In this case, this discussion was brought up by two different gentlemen, and after much ‘debate’ I have limited contact in a personal forum. Obviously they are too hurt by what I feel and think about my own life to allow me to continue to cause them such pain. Yes, I am being sarcastic. It is my style after all. Will that put a Muffler on ME? No. But it will put their Blinders back on THEM, which is how they choose to live. But if that were true, they better stop watching TV, Reading, looking at Art, and stop listening to music. Only then will their feelings truly be protected. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Good luck with that fellows. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Well, even in that deep misery I felt my energy revive, and I said to myself: in spite of everything I shall rise again, I will take up my pencil, which I have forsaken in great discouragement, and I will go on with my drawing, and from that moment everything has seemed transformed in me." ~Van Gogh

Great Smile

I have been told I have a great smile, a genuine smile. A compliment like that is unexpected and actually makes me smile MORE. I feel my lips stretch until my teeth show, and my eye’s crinkle. I love to smile, I love to SHARE that smile, and get one in return. It isn’t hard to do, it doesn’t cost me a dime, and it makes both me AND them happy for a second. So why is it so hard to smile just for me? I used to smile at funny personal thoughts where people would ask me what I was thinking. I used to smile at my silly looks and poses in the mirror while getting ready for work. Heck, even a laugh would break out at those times. It doesn’t exist for me anymore. I don’t give myself the same love and attention that I used to, and that I give to other people, even strangers! So I have a new goal for myself. (Yeah, add it to all the other ones I have yet to complete) I am going to practice giving myself the same quick love, a SMILE, when I see myself. I am going to look hella-vain when people catch me doing this, say, in a vehicle window reflection. But I am DETERMINED to give myself the same love I am willing to send out to a stranger! Why not?! I should be just as deserving. I HOPE it’s something like me just being out of practice, and not some punishment I am unknowingly putting on myself. It feels that way sometimes. But since I scold and punish myself often enough, it’s time for some self love too. Let’s see if this makes a difference..

What You Know

(This is for the person that claims I have it easy, that I am sheltered and have just begun to experience how REAL life is…) A very wise person once told me, “Jen, write what you know.” The stories I wrote were things I imagined, ‘what-if’s’, and ‘I-wish’ type stories. They had good idea’s but no real substance. I thought they were GREAT as a kid, but as an adult I can read them and I know what is missing. Knowledge. I could not describe falling in love, or a kiss, or any of the struggles being married really entailed. The fear of having your life threatened, your child in danger? I know it now. A murder a few doors down, or SWAT running through your backyard, gunshots? I can write about it. Abuse, adultery and abandonment? Got it in detail. Family battling with deadly illness, personal illness, losing someone from deadly illness? I know how it feels. Miscarriage, unplanned pregnancy? Yup, been there. Homelessness, financial battles, going hungry? I only needed to experience that once, thank you. I also have a romantic love story of loss and rediscovery. I have the blessing of 3 sets of blue eyes and a set of green to fight for daily. I am blessed with a white knight, whom can still get on my nerves. I have a family that stands behind me like a brick wall warding off danger. I have had adventures in Georgia, Virginia, Wyoming, Canada, Missouri, Colorado, South Dakota and Alaska to name a few, and the memories alone are worth writing about. I am lucky in a way that I KNOW these things. I know that we all have our own path, our own battles to fight, and I have had mine. I am sure this is not the end of them either. I am supposed to learn. I am supposed to grow. And I think, I feel, I am supposed to write and share as well. So when someone tells you to write what you know, and you stand there confused and cannot grab a single thought… Don’t worry. You will one day have a story to tell. One that does not match any other. And I hope you write it down, and that you can find a way to share it too. (REAL life is not just what YOU experienced. It is different for everyone, and you may believe your struggles are harder, more often, and they may be. But it is your struggle, your decisions, your life. Your experiences are uniquely your own to learn from, as are mine. Thank you for understanding.)

DELETE!!!

I can’t be the only one, but it’s not like I am going to go up to someone and ask either. I am wondering though, do you have the same issue or is it just me? If it IS just me, how do I go about fixing it?! Here is my issue: I have a file box in my head, one that has a bunch of dust on it, very rarely used, and never ever looked for. It sits back in the corner nice and quiet until, very unexpectedly, it FLIES open and a file is yanked out and shoved in my face. I hear, see, and experience a memory all over again. I am THERE, I hear what is being said, and I get the SAME feelings I did then. Let me give you some examples: 1)As a teen I was sitting on my bed, playing my keyboard (had to learn a song by the end of the week) and since it was so beautiful, I could not help singing along. Bette Midler, The Rose. To this day I sing along and my fingers keep the melody in the air as it plays. BUT, yes, the big But…someone came in the room and announced, “oh, there is a reason you play the piano because singing is not your thing.” I was embarrassed, hurt, and I shut up immediately. I don’t sing out loud in public, and not where anyone can hear me at all, since that day. I LOVE Pink, LOVE her, but I only sing to her songs if I am alone or walking AWAY from anyone that can hear me (I hope!). I am very discrete when I want to yell it out and bounce around like she does…but then that file is pulled out and shoved in my face. 2) A teen again, just learning to put on make-up, early high school. I am hogging the bathroom downstairs trying to do my hair and makeup. Finishing touch, the lipstick. I am very careful to put it on like it was showed to me by a makeup artist at Merle Norman. (My mother gifted me with a date with a makeup artist so I would not put it on too heavy since I was determined to wear it) Someone came in the bathroom, laughed at me and told me I put on my lipstick like I was playing in my grandmothers makeup bag. Well, okay then, I don’t know what I am doing. Guess what? Eyes get done, checks are done, and no lips….EVER. There are times when I put it on, then the file SLAPS me in the face and I find all these mistakes and wipe it off. The tint might still be there, so I add chapstick. You can’t screw THAT up can you? 3)I was riding with someone in their care, and we stopped at a red light. A woman walked across the cross walk, bouncing, barely bending her knees, taking REALLY big steps. It was obvious she had something wrong with her, and I am sure the people that loved her were glad she was walking. The driver turned to me and said, “Jen, that’s how YOU walk. If you ever wanted to know what it looks like, that’s it.” So when I walk with my family (SMASH in the face with a file), I don’t try to keep up anymore, since they are all over six foot tall and large steps are required. If I am laughing and joking with my kids and think my steps are too bouncy, I tone it down. 4) I was married young, a young mom, and although tired I still tried my best to please the ex. This meant dressing up for when he got home even though I was tired and drooled on. One day he looked at me with disgust and asked why I bothered putting on makeup at all, when it just looked like I got punched in the eye rather than looking nice. I thought it was too dark, I tried to fix it, no good. I tried calm colors like barely there pink, no luck. Same comment, same disgusted look. Even though we are ancient history, I still get SMACKED with that file when I am in the bathroom mirror. My hand shakes, I second and third guess my color choices….and sometimes I just wipe it off and go without. Are they true? Some say no, but no one will dare say yes. What if they ARE true? How can I go outside with my punched eye, goofy lipstick, bouncy walk and terrible voice? How can I go out in public like that?! What happens if I accidently do more than one at a time? Will someone come pick me up and take me back to the mental ward? This is all stuff that happened 15-20 years ago. I have had plenty of life experience since then. Why isn’t my file drawer FILLED with negative crap that people passing by have said to and about me? Why are there only those few things? And WHY or WHY after so many years do those stupid files make their way out to hit me in the face at the worst of times? If I could face the same experience again I would handle my business. I would tell the person that said I could not sing, “I know I can’t but I enjoy it, so if it bothers you then leave or you can feel free to join me.” To the person that laughs about how I walk, “Well, I am proud of my family and being the smallest one in it, I learned to walk BESIDE them by taking bigger steps. THEY are what matters, and I will find a way to stay by their side, even if that means looking goofy doing so.” For the one who said I can’t put on lipstick, “I have learned to live without it, and also learned that my lips are NOT my best feature.” To the ex that makes fun of my eye make-up, “I know you said it to belittle me, to force me to stay in so no one could see me. I have gotten more compliments on my eyes than anything else. So although you may be right occasionally, you are more often than not, WRONG. You lost.” Now all I have to do is fine a way to destroy that file box and every stinking file IN it. Or, in today's world, DELETE them!

Cursed by Karma

I am looking in the mirror, picking and poking at things that weren’t there just a few short years ago. Grey hair, wrinkles, extra pounds…the list is pretty long. Then I remember someone I examined and ridiculed internally back when I was young and snotty. Back in the day when you think your JLo Booty is gonna stay up where it belongs, and not a bit of cellulite touches your thighs and you don’t even do exercise to keep them looking so great. Smirk, judge, and hair flip. Yup, that was me. Well, Karma is a bitch. It seems that every one of those people I mentally judged has come back to haunt me, ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Now you stop and think, if it really worked this way, (and I am not entirely sure it doesn’t at this point), what will you be suffering with, in a couple years? That lady at work that doesn’t seem to realize she has a mustache? “They make stuff FOR that!” you scoff. Congrats, it seems you now have your own mustache and use every product you can find to help, and seem surprised that they don’t work. The woman with the beautiful face and upper body, but you stare in shock at the thighs that swing forward each step? “Do some lunges and leg lifts girl! You could be a complete package!” Well, you now have saddle bags, and it doesn’t go down no matter HOW many miles you run or HOW many leg lifts you do. The giggle girl with a great smile who’s arms continue waving even after her hands have stopped? “Pick up a weight once and a while, my gosh,” you judge. Now your arms are actually WORSE than hers, and even after the purchase of a Bow-flex you have some grand looking biceps, and still that skin hangs there… So go ahead. Judge the way she limps when she walks, or how tired she looks. Judge how many grays you see poking up around her head or wrinkles around her eyes. It’s going be you one day. Don’t shake your head and try to deny it! Karma is coming for you with every judgment you make on someone else. You are going to be in their shoes, with more than just that one annoying problem, and you will have to struggle with finding a solution, while someone else judges you from afar. I had my share of nasty thinking in my goody-two-shoe days. Thank goodness I never made a comment aloud. Who knows what Karma would be doing to me right now!!!