Broken Bird

I remember words from a friend several years ago, ones that seem to stick with me when I see a relationship end.  Good or Bad ending, his words still come to mind.

He said once, “It seems I am always the one that finds the broken birds.  I spend time and care, I nurse them back to health, and they fly away.  It’s not fair.  I wish once, just once, I could get one that isn’t broken and will want to stay.” 
He’s right.  It isn’t fair.  And what is worse, is that he had the spirit, the personal nature that wanted to give that love and care to a person on a daily basis.  That’s why the broken birds were drawn to him.  He was able to meet their needs.  No matter how grateful, how loving, when they were healed they had the strong need to move on.  They no longer fit in that type of relationship.

Let me see if I can explain, since I was here once myself as this broken bird.

You think you have endured.  That after everything has gone wrong and you have righted it all, you are now on your two feet and stronger than before.  I thought I was.  I got rid of baggage that was LONG overdue, at least by a couple years.  It felt great and scary at the same time.  After a while of independence, I found myself nicely dating again.  I felt safe, protected, and I hadn’t felt that in so long that I snuggled in and got comfortable.  Well, great things began to happen in that sheltered existence.  Wounds I didn’t know I had started to heal.  I could look in the mirror and feel pretty.  I could smile and laugh at everything and nothing.  My thoughts had value, and were listened to with interest.  I didn’t fear confrontation and I learned how to discuss things without expecting an argument or fight.  I believed in myself, my actions, and my future.  The wound under his band-aid had healed, and I didn’t even know there was one.

I was pushing away.  I was feeling smothered.  I felt buried and I wanted to be free.  He was still kind, still giving, but it wasn’t what I needed anymore.  I needed to stretch out.  I felt bad that he would suffer, and I knew I would suffer as well.  I loved him, truly I did, and would never forget.  But it was the kind of love that bird has for a healer…it was gratitude, strong and loving gratitude.

He knew what was coming.  I was going to push against the restraints, but afraid to hurt him by actually breaking free.  I suffered, and so did he.  He set me down one day, explained this concept to me, and told me it was time to leave.  Suddenly the fear of being let go frightened me beyond belief.  I was going to have to make it without his safety, his protection, and I suddenly screamed for his continued security.

Like a band-aid being ripped off, it stung.  But given a while, I was glad to have it off.  It was still sore for a while, but the wound itself slowly faded. 

It wasn’t fair to him.  It was another person he had to push away for their own good.  Another person that didn’t come to him unbroken.  One he had to work on to make whole again, but one he couldn’t keep.  He spent countless hours of his time, energy and love, and had nothing to show for it.  He had to start over.  And it ISN’T fair. 

Each one of us that have a missing piece should take the time to fix it or fill it before moving toward other relationship.  I know, your question is ‘how do we know?’  Well, go figure.  If you just had a bunch of issues with a relationship you got out of, there are bound to be wounds.  There should be a mandatory 6 months or more wait and self reflecting before trying it all again.  I didn’t listen to a very wise man I shall call ‘father’ who stated that I would get in the same mess if I didn’t give it time.  Well, thank goodness I found this guy instead.  It is terrible to say, but he is typically known as

THE REBOUND

Terrible, just terrible.  Oh it hurts to even think of it that way.  There are so many that WANT to be the rebound.  Ones that PREY on the relationship wounded and weak.  Usually this is okay, because the Rebound still does the job of helping the person move on.  Sometimes they cause further issues, but they are usually easy to forget. 

Well, Rebounds that don’t INTEND to be the rebound find themselves in relationships after relationships that seem to end quietly without any bad feeling between either person.  No, they are not easily forgotten, but they are not remembered as they would like to be.  They want their own.  They want someone that is just for them, and over time, they grow wounds that need healing as well.

In the end, these Rebounds in fact, turn into the Broken Bird.

One Addiction for Another

When I decided to stop smoking, April 1 2012, I was a content and happy weight.  I was wearing the clothes I had boxed away for years, and was having fun shopping as well.
Then I stopped smoking.  Everyone warned me that I would gain weight, and I thought I watched it pretty well…at first.

Then anger, depression, anxiety all kicked in.  One, then the other then another.  It got to where I could not see which end was up most days and just wanted to make it through without snapping.

I can’t say I got bored.  I never really did.  Life got busy and harder.  I no longer took those breaks that I used to, and that is how I coped with life.  Now I was filling them with worry and anxious thoughts.  Food went in my mouth because it was supposed to, but it was whatever was around and quick.  I didn’t eat a lot, and sometimes I would go to bed with only picking at this or that daily.  I can guarantee it was never GOOD and HEALTHY food that went into my body those months. 
I gained weight.  Of course I did.  With all the stress I already had, becoming fat made things unbearable.   I won’t go into detail here, but I will say that I got help finally.  I finally got off that dangerous ride and was able to stop and think logically again.

For the first time in months, I looked down at the chicken nuggets I was eating.  McD’s.  I didn’t even want the nuggets, I wanted the Buffalo sauce!  Yes, that’s right.  I could dip chocolate in that stuff and would have been happy.  When I was normally taking a smoke break, I was thinking of that darn Buffalo sauce instead.  I would get the little kids meal and dip those nuggets over and over in big dripping dunks. 

My addiction to the cigarettes might have gone, but the addiction had been replaced by this Buffalo dipping sauce.  I had come to terms with it.  Once I did, that sauce suddenly tasted like melted plastic.  I even got a nugget that wasn’t fully cooked!  That was the last time I touched it.  The food at McD’s now tears my stomach up.  I have tested the theory twice, and that was enough to prove me right and not touch it again.  NO food from there at all.

Notice I said no FOOD.  My new addiction came shortly after.  The Chocolate Chip Frappe.  I tried one out of curiosity.  It was good.  A kick of coffee and a happy little surprise with each sip.  CHOCOLATE CHIPS!  Now how can any sane person resist?!  I craved them.  I would choose one of those frappe’s rather than have breakfast in the morning.  I excused it by calculating the calories.  If I didn’t eat breakfast, I could afford the calories in the shake.  I would even give myself a few more minutes in the morning so I would have time to go through the drive up.  So what excuse was there in the afternoon on the way home?  How about that my day was only half done and I was going to need something to keep me going?  That’s what I tell myself. 
Just because I am writing about it right now, doesn’t mean it is over.  Just because I acknowledge it, doesn’t mean the problem doesn’t still exist.  I have cut down.  Seriously cut down actually.  I have one every few days as a treat.  I think my last one was two days ago?  I can’t be sure.  But that’s how I know it is no longer an addiction.  I don’t NEED them.  I no longer crave them and make sure I have time and money to fill that craving.  Just like I used to with cigarettes.
I used to smoke after eating.  No problem after breakfast, or lunch, but after dinner was VERY hard for me.  Breakfast was quiet, all the kids were gone, so I could find other ways to cope.  (FB)  Lunch was at work, and that was usually whatever I could get in my mouth around people needing help.  I had to fight for my ten minute smoke break back in the day, so not getting one now was no longer an issue.  I didn’t have time, so I didn’t have a problem there either.  After dinner, when the kids are running around and having to be yelled at for not doing chores, that’s when I got in my freezer and grab chocolate.

A big bar of chocolate.  I buy them in bulk.  Not kidding.  They can sit in my freezer for months without being touched.  But they can all go in a week depending on how much is going on.  That chocolate bar is my after dinner cigarette.  Some days I can go without it, some days not.  Another addiction to replace the one I had.  I know it, I acknowledge it.  I try my best every day not to give in.  Do I stop buying them?  No.  I want them there, sitting in my freezer, like a security blanket.
So…Kudos to me for breaking the cig habit!  I am proud of that.  Being fat is the consequence to all the other health issues I could have instead. 
I am sure I will get life a little calmer, eventually.

I am sure I will break those little habits, eventually.

I am sure that one day I will no longer be replacing cigarettes with other addictions…

Eventually.

Teen Mom

Hey 15 year old, remember this time last year that your mom was yelling at you to wake up and get ready before you missed the bus?

Remember her making your breakfast while you were snotty acting and taking too much time to do your makeup? 

 Remember her telling you to do your best and that she knew you would have a great life if you applied yourself? 

All you could do was grumble about how school shouldn't start so early and how she pissed you off by waking you up before the sun. 

Well, how does it feel now to be where you are? Waking up every two hours because YOUR child is crying? 

 Being forced to watch your friends board the bus that not long ago you didn't want to ride, while you are standing at the window with your baby?

 And you look down at her, your way out of going to school, and you realize how much harder this cop out is. 

 And although you would never label her a mistake, you still know in your heart that you certainly made the wrong decision.

 And you whisper in her ear, where your own mother can't hear lest she be right, "You are going to BE something some day..."

Enjoy Spanking?

Just to be clear, right from the start, I AM an advocate for spanking a child.  Now, you already have your hackles up I am sure, so go ahead and be mad if you want and stop reading.  I got a few very well deserved whacks when I was a kid and THANK GOODNESS for that!  I can tell you, I was a wild and mouthy child, and had I not gotten put in my place when I stepped over bounds, I could very well be an evil woman right now.  We all have it in us, and each one of us needs to be lead in a way that keeps us on the straight and narrow.  I was the "she needs a spanking" type, and my older sis was a "she needs a talking to" type.  Our parents knew it, and they did their job right.  I am that kind of parent.  The rule in our house? 

"If you intentionally put yourself or someone else in danger, you deserve a spanking."  I can't think of any other instance where it is really needed in our home. 

Oh, there are plenty other times I WANT to give them out, trust me.  But I always have that 'stop and think' moment. 
1) Am I striking out because they made me angry?
2) Am I controlling my anger or allowing them to control it?
3) Does hitting them make me feel better or make them listen?
4) Is there compliance with this punishment or is there a better/calmer way to handle it?
5) If hitting because they made me angry is okay, why can't we do this to strangers?  (If you responded 'because my kids are mine', well, they aren't property)
6) Are they staring at you open mouthed, wide eyed, and with their hands up to protect themselves?  THEN SPANKING IS NOT OKAY.

If you have gone through the first three, more than likely you have calmed down and told them to get out of your sight.  They stomped up the stairs to their room and slammed their door.  In actuality they are relieved and wait for you to come up and talk while handing out a reasonable punishment they will be thankful to receive rather than what was coming. 

I had a nurse tell me that 'more discipline' for my autistic son (before diagnoses) would help greatly, and she made a swing motion with her hand.  Although I agree that a firmer hand is needed for him, he really doesn't care if you hit him.  Pain ends in minutes.  He will continue with what he was doing before he was hit, because he was not given a reason NOT to. 

So parents, you know your kids, you know your self.  You know if you are feeling a bit guilty reading this then you are one that needs to lengthen your fuse and find other ways to manage. 

As for that lady in the Walmart parking lot who hit her kid for falling behind on the walk to the door?  You should have taken his hand and walked with him in the beginning, rather than grab his hand to hold him still so you could hit him, then let go and expect him to keep up again.  You, ma'am, are an ass and obviously enjoy spanking.

Respectful Opinions from Children

We all know the parenting rule of showing your child respect so they learn it themselves. 

We have been shown that if we talk disrespectfully about someone or something with our child present, then they believe what you say and think and will use it themselves.  Their thoughts and actions will reflect on what you showed them. 

If you talk badly about another race, your child will believe badly about that race and may not hold their tongue about your opinions.  This will prevent friendships that could have helped them grow.  Your thoughts and opinions prevented opportunities in life that your child will truly regret.

If you talk disrespectfully about your ex spouse, and the child is there listening to such talk about the other parent, they will think and believe the same.  They will act out what you have shared in their behavior when they are with the other parent.  They may even say some of the same things you have said against their parent and creating turmoil where there shouldn't have been.

If you post on FaceBook with very strong opinions against the president, welfare, a business, or even a coworker and your child is on your friends list, you can be sure that they are reading your thoughts.  They might not have cared a moment before the post, but your strong opinions for or against caught their attention.  No need for them to do research and decide for themselves what they believe.  They now share your opinion.

My question is how do we teach our children to share their views and opinions respectfully?  First, we have to give them the space to have their own opinion.  When they come to us with brows down and a sharp tongue, we need to listen about why they are so angry.  Then we must require they think about it and find the other side of the coin.  We may want them to lean our way, to believe as we believe, but that isn't fair or right.

We must also watch not just what they say, but what they write as well.  We have to pay attention to the sites they are on and what information they are spreading.  We must remind them that it is best not to comment on a post where it could be one sided and someone's feelings could be hurt.

Most of all, we have to watch what WE say, we have to watch how WE act and we must watch what WE post on networking sites while our children are learning and growing.  SHOW them how to be respectful out in the world with their thoughts, voices, actions and written word.

It is your job to teach respectful opinions from your children.

Dents and Holes

 If you know my husband and I, then you know we have an entire shelf on our bookcase dedicated to all sorts of self help books, life inspiration books, and teen trouble shooting books.  No single book has had the miracle answers, but many of them had some great ideas that we tried out.  Some worked and others didn't.

My husband and I read this book by Gary Chapman called the 5 Love Languages. Interesting.  Well, to be honest, it was slow in many places and the only reason we didn't skim read is because we thought that one important fact would be skipped over.  So like being forced to eat our peas at dinner and eating them one at a time, we forced our way to the 'test's' in the back.  That's the fun part! 

What did we find out?  We found out that my husband needs Words of Affirmation to feel loved and I needed Action.  I was doing for him what needed to be done for me.  I was making his coffee, picking up uniforms from the cleaners when he asked, and making sure he had a dinner he enjoyed and the things were done around the house to his standard.  I was grew more and more resentful as the years went by because he didn't notice a thing!!!

He was telling me he loved me when he came home and before he left for work.  He was saying he appreciated having his things were he could find them or that I could find what he asked for.  He was saying he was glad that I took care of the kids and their activities the way I did because he didn't have the patience.  He told me that the dogs do well listening to me above all others.  But I would nod and move on.  It was just a bunch of words. 

Well, I showed him affection the way I wanted it back.  I wanted action, not words.  I wanted to be SHOWN, not told.  He showed me affection the way he needed it back, in affirming words.  He wanted it confirmed that he was doing things right, and I rarely responded in a way that made him feel I had noticed he spoke.

Reading that book, we had that "Ah ha!" moment.  Since then (this past Thursday night) we have worked on forcing ourselves to change how we give our love to the other.  In a way the other person recognized and needed. 

He decided to 'show' me he loved me by taking on the morning chores of shopping and bill paying.  He never really complained, he laughed most of the frustration off, even though it took him several hours to finish up. 

I 'told' him how much I appreciated him taking over a difficult task for me, especially on payday, and was very pleased that he had paid less for the groceries than the bill normally is.  I affirmed that I was grateful for his patience in chaos, and that the family had their needs met because of his help.

He 'showed' me he loved me by picking up a child from practice, even though I was the same distance away and normally did the task. 

I 'told' him how grateful I was to be able to go right home and stay there after work instead of leaving the house again. 

He smiled more, so did I.  We figured out that this book is worth reading if you are at one of those bumps in marriage that you hear others talk about and think you are going to miss out on because you are just that in love.  No marriage is perfect.  It takes work.  I am thankful that my husband (who hates reading) actually did this with me and took the tools he learned to fix some things.  It's new, it might not last forever, or it may be sporadic, but we have the tools.

Have you thought about finding some tools to patch up some dents and holes in your marriage?  Or do you have one that is 'just that good' and think you don't need it?  Well, if you change your mind, I recommend this book.  Seriously.
Just like when your mama says eat your vegetables, they are good for you, please push yourself past the slow parts and you will benefit by getting the full information.  It's worth it.

It sure enlightened us:
http://books.usatoday.com/book/gary-chapman-the-5-love-languages/l17345

Be Content

I have a question, one that I have asked many times over in the last three years.  "If no one was there to brag about what they had or where they have gone or what they have done...would you then be content with your own accomplishments?"

So many times my family members have looked at a car or house or clothing or electronics of another person and gotten upset that they don't have those objects, nor the means to get them.  When talking to them, I want to know for myself if I do the same thing...and I do. 

I am a simple person.  My husband doesn't need to buy me diamonds, because he knows I won't wear them for fear of losing them.  He no longer buys me clothes because he knows my preference would be Walmart or Target to save money.  I would rather fix something I already own than to dump it and buy something new, and I will wear the heck out of it before I give up on it.  (My last van I was emotionally attached to)

My husband see's the grand houses that people his rank own.  He wonders why after so many years int he service, does he not have something similar to show for it.  He see's the huge powerful trucks and looks with disgust at his little gray car.

What do I see when I look at the same thing?  I want a house where I plan to settle for good, not just any house in any state the military drags us.  I don't want a huge house for a small family, especially since they will be moving out.  I didn't have my own room and they don't either.  A big house turns cold without people in it, and the electric bill doesn't help to warm your heart as your family leaves.  I want my little house on a spot where I can see the woods and ocean at the same time.  I will be patient until then. 

As for the huge trucks, the show pieces, the gas guzzlers?  There is no reason to own one other than to brag and be vain.  For a person that goes mudding, a crappy truck worth destroying is best.  For the person that goes 4 wheeling or car crushing in shows?  A crap truck worth destroying (but looks good with a fake exterior) is also what is used.  So who uses the big lifted trucks?  Well, men with money that want bragging rights.  That's it.  A vanity item that shows status.  Well, my husband has six kids, a loyal wife, and two dogs that meet him at the door.  I would hope he sees the value of this over a show piece.

I have friends that have gone from one state to another in one weekend on shopping sprees.  Yes, I was envious, they make the same amount of money as I do, how in the world did they manage the gas money?  Well, a little plastic card works wonders for that freedom.  I don't have one.  I have never applied to the many many offers in the mail.  I knew from working at a protection company that it was a sure way into debt.  I choose not to go that route.  If that means no weekend runs to other states with a car full of clothes that will get lost in my closet after a few wears then so be it.  I have peace of mind, and that is harder to come by and has higher value to me.

So, if these people weren't standing in front of you, if you could just shut it all out and look at just yourself, would you be satisfied?  Would you be content with who you are, what you have, and where you are going in life?  If not, make some changes.  I am.  But they are all about me, not the outside world or all the glimmering lives that others lead.  It's my quest to Be Content with just being me and living my life. 

"You were born with all the gifts and qualities that you will need to be successful in this life."

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© 2012 Jennifer Rath