Respectful Opinions from Children

We all know the parenting rule of showing your child respect so they learn it themselves. 

We have been shown that if we talk disrespectfully about someone or something with our child present, then they believe what you say and think and will use it themselves.  Their thoughts and actions will reflect on what you showed them. 

If you talk badly about another race, your child will believe badly about that race and may not hold their tongue about your opinions.  This will prevent friendships that could have helped them grow.  Your thoughts and opinions prevented opportunities in life that your child will truly regret.

If you talk disrespectfully about your ex spouse, and the child is there listening to such talk about the other parent, they will think and believe the same.  They will act out what you have shared in their behavior when they are with the other parent.  They may even say some of the same things you have said against their parent and creating turmoil where there shouldn't have been.

If you post on FaceBook with very strong opinions against the president, welfare, a business, or even a coworker and your child is on your friends list, you can be sure that they are reading your thoughts.  They might not have cared a moment before the post, but your strong opinions for or against caught their attention.  No need for them to do research and decide for themselves what they believe.  They now share your opinion.

My question is how do we teach our children to share their views and opinions respectfully?  First, we have to give them the space to have their own opinion.  When they come to us with brows down and a sharp tongue, we need to listen about why they are so angry.  Then we must require they think about it and find the other side of the coin.  We may want them to lean our way, to believe as we believe, but that isn't fair or right.

We must also watch not just what they say, but what they write as well.  We have to pay attention to the sites they are on and what information they are spreading.  We must remind them that it is best not to comment on a post where it could be one sided and someone's feelings could be hurt.

Most of all, we have to watch what WE say, we have to watch how WE act and we must watch what WE post on networking sites while our children are learning and growing.  SHOW them how to be respectful out in the world with their thoughts, voices, actions and written word.

It is your job to teach respectful opinions from your children.

Dents and Holes

 If you know my husband and I, then you know we have an entire shelf on our bookcase dedicated to all sorts of self help books, life inspiration books, and teen trouble shooting books.  No single book has had the miracle answers, but many of them had some great ideas that we tried out.  Some worked and others didn't.

My husband and I read this book by Gary Chapman called the 5 Love Languages. Interesting.  Well, to be honest, it was slow in many places and the only reason we didn't skim read is because we thought that one important fact would be skipped over.  So like being forced to eat our peas at dinner and eating them one at a time, we forced our way to the 'test's' in the back.  That's the fun part! 

What did we find out?  We found out that my husband needs Words of Affirmation to feel loved and I needed Action.  I was doing for him what needed to be done for me.  I was making his coffee, picking up uniforms from the cleaners when he asked, and making sure he had a dinner he enjoyed and the things were done around the house to his standard.  I was grew more and more resentful as the years went by because he didn't notice a thing!!!

He was telling me he loved me when he came home and before he left for work.  He was saying he appreciated having his things were he could find them or that I could find what he asked for.  He was saying he was glad that I took care of the kids and their activities the way I did because he didn't have the patience.  He told me that the dogs do well listening to me above all others.  But I would nod and move on.  It was just a bunch of words. 

Well, I showed him affection the way I wanted it back.  I wanted action, not words.  I wanted to be SHOWN, not told.  He showed me affection the way he needed it back, in affirming words.  He wanted it confirmed that he was doing things right, and I rarely responded in a way that made him feel I had noticed he spoke.

Reading that book, we had that "Ah ha!" moment.  Since then (this past Thursday night) we have worked on forcing ourselves to change how we give our love to the other.  In a way the other person recognized and needed. 

He decided to 'show' me he loved me by taking on the morning chores of shopping and bill paying.  He never really complained, he laughed most of the frustration off, even though it took him several hours to finish up. 

I 'told' him how much I appreciated him taking over a difficult task for me, especially on payday, and was very pleased that he had paid less for the groceries than the bill normally is.  I affirmed that I was grateful for his patience in chaos, and that the family had their needs met because of his help.

He 'showed' me he loved me by picking up a child from practice, even though I was the same distance away and normally did the task. 

I 'told' him how grateful I was to be able to go right home and stay there after work instead of leaving the house again. 

He smiled more, so did I.  We figured out that this book is worth reading if you are at one of those bumps in marriage that you hear others talk about and think you are going to miss out on because you are just that in love.  No marriage is perfect.  It takes work.  I am thankful that my husband (who hates reading) actually did this with me and took the tools he learned to fix some things.  It's new, it might not last forever, or it may be sporadic, but we have the tools.

Have you thought about finding some tools to patch up some dents and holes in your marriage?  Or do you have one that is 'just that good' and think you don't need it?  Well, if you change your mind, I recommend this book.  Seriously.
Just like when your mama says eat your vegetables, they are good for you, please push yourself past the slow parts and you will benefit by getting the full information.  It's worth it.

It sure enlightened us:
http://books.usatoday.com/book/gary-chapman-the-5-love-languages/l17345

Be Content

I have a question, one that I have asked many times over in the last three years.  "If no one was there to brag about what they had or where they have gone or what they have done...would you then be content with your own accomplishments?"

So many times my family members have looked at a car or house or clothing or electronics of another person and gotten upset that they don't have those objects, nor the means to get them.  When talking to them, I want to know for myself if I do the same thing...and I do. 

I am a simple person.  My husband doesn't need to buy me diamonds, because he knows I won't wear them for fear of losing them.  He no longer buys me clothes because he knows my preference would be Walmart or Target to save money.  I would rather fix something I already own than to dump it and buy something new, and I will wear the heck out of it before I give up on it.  (My last van I was emotionally attached to)

My husband see's the grand houses that people his rank own.  He wonders why after so many years int he service, does he not have something similar to show for it.  He see's the huge powerful trucks and looks with disgust at his little gray car.

What do I see when I look at the same thing?  I want a house where I plan to settle for good, not just any house in any state the military drags us.  I don't want a huge house for a small family, especially since they will be moving out.  I didn't have my own room and they don't either.  A big house turns cold without people in it, and the electric bill doesn't help to warm your heart as your family leaves.  I want my little house on a spot where I can see the woods and ocean at the same time.  I will be patient until then. 

As for the huge trucks, the show pieces, the gas guzzlers?  There is no reason to own one other than to brag and be vain.  For a person that goes mudding, a crappy truck worth destroying is best.  For the person that goes 4 wheeling or car crushing in shows?  A crap truck worth destroying (but looks good with a fake exterior) is also what is used.  So who uses the big lifted trucks?  Well, men with money that want bragging rights.  That's it.  A vanity item that shows status.  Well, my husband has six kids, a loyal wife, and two dogs that meet him at the door.  I would hope he sees the value of this over a show piece.

I have friends that have gone from one state to another in one weekend on shopping sprees.  Yes, I was envious, they make the same amount of money as I do, how in the world did they manage the gas money?  Well, a little plastic card works wonders for that freedom.  I don't have one.  I have never applied to the many many offers in the mail.  I knew from working at a protection company that it was a sure way into debt.  I choose not to go that route.  If that means no weekend runs to other states with a car full of clothes that will get lost in my closet after a few wears then so be it.  I have peace of mind, and that is harder to come by and has higher value to me.

So, if these people weren't standing in front of you, if you could just shut it all out and look at just yourself, would you be satisfied?  Would you be content with who you are, what you have, and where you are going in life?  If not, make some changes.  I am.  But they are all about me, not the outside world or all the glimmering lives that others lead.  It's my quest to Be Content with just being me and living my life. 

"You were born with all the gifts and qualities that you will need to be successful in this life."

Photo and Blog

© 2012 Jennifer Rath

I Choose...

~I choose to wake up every morning with enough time to relax before starting my day.

OR

~I choose to hit the snooze button if that extra nine minutes will do me some good.

~I choose to have a good breakfast in the morning with all the right vitamins to give me energy through the day.

OR

~I choose to have that cup of coffee and Pop tart while I browse the networking sites.

~I choose to stick to a strict schedule so that my children are prepared and healthy both emotionally and physically.

OR

~I choose to give them pizza for dinner, give them a goody at the store, and pop them in bed with me after staying up an hour too late.

~I choose to get my butt out on the treadmill for at least 30 minutes a day and fight the bulge age brings with it.

OR

~I choose to enjoy that piece of birthday cake without counting the calories in every bite.

~I choose to wake up in a good mood and share that mood with others as the day goes by with a smile for everyone I come in contact with.

OR

~I choose to keep to myself, letting my furrowed brow be a deterrent to any unsuspecting conversationalists.

~I choose to be pleasant, to hold my tongue and my opinions for the sake of argument.

OR

~I choose to let loose with screams and rage until the heaviness in my chest has lifted.

~I choose to be understanding, meek and mild, totally forgiving when I have been forgotten or mistreated.

OR

~I choose to stand tall, to move forward, to do what I love and fill MY time with ME without any excuses or explanations.

Every day I get that choice what to do with my body, mind, heart, soul and life.  It is mine, and I can share it how I please, or keep it to myself as well.

I control ME and no one else.

MY life is MY choice.  

Why show the Worst?

I have had the chance to watch TV both last night and this morning. Watching Television is not something I do. I listen to it, yes, while I am wandering around the house DOING things. My husband has control of the remote, which I gladly gave. Most times, if I actually sit with the family to watch, I usually fall asleep on the hubby's lap.
I decided last night that I was going to start my vacation early, which meant sitting on the couch with control of the remote. Bad, baaaaad move. I did NOT like what I found.

Why is it that we, a nation with so many prejudices, find it entertaining to watch shows that create MORE prejudice by how people are portrayed?

*First there was Jersey Shore. This random group of crazy kids/young adults, get picked to do a show by how nuts they can be, claiming they are the true portrayal of the Jersey Shore. Makes me NOT want to go there.
*Then there was Buckwild. We have images of hick, and these kids decide to match what we imagine Huck Fin and Tom Sawyer to be. They scream, they fight, they play in mud, drive dirty trucks, and generally talk so slurred you can't understand what they say. And they claim their "Holler" (place they live) is the norm in West Virginia. More teens/young adults, acting a fool, and keeping people from visiting their state.
*Oh, we can't forget Washington Heights, can we? It hasn't premiered yet, but just the commercials make me cringe. A bunch of teens/young adults again, all with issues. This group happens to be mixed between preppy and gangsta, both in clothing and attitude. Now we will have it set in our minds that THIS behavior is the 'norm' in Washington Heights and won't want to visit there either.

I know what you are thinking, if we did a show about the normal life of normal people, we would be SUPER bored. Probably. I guess we all need a little Honey Boo Boo to make ourselves feel a little better about who we are. I only needed to see THAT once.
So why show the Worst in people? Because the Best doesn't get you the ratings. I guess I will have a little less false advertizing in my home and get my kids out there to make their own judgments.
I don't want to promote this stuff, but just in case you want to look for yourself to see what I am talking about without doing a lot of research, here are the links: (copy paste, I don't want them linked to my page so I didn't activate the links, lol)

http://watching-tv.ew.com/2013/01/03/buckwild-review-mtv/

http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1699645/jersey-shore-buckwild-advice.jhtml

Joey vs. Spock

Joseph is my son, seven years old, and has Asperger’s. This means he has a whole new way of looking at things that I have never seen before, and I get to share in his adventures. I often write down and share “Things Joey Says” because it makes you say hmmmmmm. Joey is a logical thinker. Things must make sense in his life for him to understand or follow through with what you have asked of him. If it doesn’t, he will pause and fairly let you explain, but just once. This is your ONE and ONLY chance to get him to comply. Example: “Joey, drink your Hot Chocolate before it gets cold” “It’s too hot and will burn my lips” “Well, its Warm Chocolate then, and just fine to drink. It is not called Cold Chocolate because THAT is actually Chocolate MILK.” (Here is a Hmmmmm moment for him. This seems logical. But do I really have him?) He picks up the glass and looks in it. “It still feels like it is going to burn my lips though…” he questions me. “Then do the cool down secret.” “Secret?” (I think I might have him. No one can resist a secret!) “Yes. As you tip the cup, and the liquid is coming toward you, sip IN with equal parts air and (careful here) Warm Chocolate. The air cools the Warm Chocolate down BEFORE it passes your lips. And THAT my friend, is why adults like to SIP their coffee. NOW you know the secret.” He smiles, he tips, he sips, SCORE!!! Logic wins. Now imagine his bed time stories…they must come from a book. It’s true then, the ones that he can see in the pages. The ones he can read the words himself if he wanted to, that is ‘true’ to him and he believes it without any questions. Now, if you tried to look to the ceiling and make something up on the spot, you will NEVER leave the room. He will question every aspect of your fairy tale until you want to shout THE END and go running with whatever amount of hair you have left. It’s best to grab a book. Last night he crawled in bed with his dad and I. (Not fun, and not our preferred method of rest, let me tell you) and asked for a story. Dad was sitting up doing some last minute things (on the ever present phone) and I was NOT willing to go grab a book. I wanted the fantasy on a whim like I had with my other (now teen) sons. I decided that with no book, and that Joey was just going to have to participate in this story telling himself. How can he question what HE tells US?! Attempt One: “Joey, pick five things you can see in the room, then tell me a story about it” “No thanks. You do it Dad.” All eyes on dad….no sound…a sigh…phone goes down….”Okay” Dad picks five things and the story is about 3 sentences long. This is NOT acceptable to Joseph as a bedtime story and demands a re-do, which his father refuses. Joey claims he can do better! (Well played Dad) He launches into a story about a wonderful breakfast (I guess he was hungry when he went to bed?) This means that the character must go across a lake in a boat, get out of the boat, tie the boat up, walk across the grass, go into the cabin, pull out the pan, put the egg in the pan, put spices on it (salt and pepper to be exact), cut the egg up, then eat it. The Perfect Breakfast! And the story was told with only the pictures in his head. (The words he picked were Person, House, Egg and Pan) There was no need for him to add the rest of the details, but to him, it has to make sense. A person doesn’t just show up somewhere, he has to take a trip to get there. You can’t just get out of a boat, you have to moor it and tie it, then walk to your destination. (Daddy put his phone aside once or twice to listen too) All I wanted to know was WHAT was in this PERFECT breakfast!? If I don’t give him a good reason to fall asleep, whatever we are doing right now is perfectly acceptable to continue. And what parent has EVER given their child an acceptable reason to fall asleep? I don’t think there is one. So my mommy desperation kicked in. Use the imagination God gave you, I demanded myself. “Joey, do you know why people in books and TV talk about Dream Land? Do you know why everyone calls it the same thing?” Pause. “Why?” “Because it is a Real Place that people go to all the time. Do you want to go?” “No it isn’t. That means go to sleep!” he laughs at me, thinking he caught me. But I have planned for this and have more up my sleeve. “Actually, it exists at the exact same time as the world you are in right now does. The big brothers are already there. They get to go there EVERY night and do what they want, even fly or breath under water.” To make it ‘Real’, I must add my own experience…”I don’t like flying very high up, because it’s scary to me, so I just stay close to the ground and go over cars or sometimes trees and things…” Add in the wispy voice, as if I am wishing to be there right now, doing the things I am talking about. “What else can you do there?” (I think I have him but let’s drive this sucker home!) “ I have done a lot. It depends on what you like. You can be super strong, and lots of other things. I want to go back right now. We are only sleeping in this world, and that is boring, so I get to go to Dream Land and play until it’s time to get up!” “How do you get there?!” (the logic is still there, even though the little boy wonder is in his voice) “It’s easy. You fall asleep. You make your eyes dark by closing them, and then you listen to the fan, because that is the noise in the tube between here and Dreamland.” I got no response, but I didn’t dare say anything else. I knew by how quiet he was being, by how still he was that his little logical brain was spinning with the possibilities but still fighting him on if this was real or not. “Dad, shut off your phone. My eyes need dark. I am trying to go to Dreamland!” Dad shut off the phone and lay down too. I think he was looking forward to Dreamland just as much as we were now. Sometimes, you CAN make the illogical completely logical. Insert triumphant smile here.

Marriology

There is some dispute on how “Happily Ever After” is supposed to work. Granted, I haven’t gotten too far into my “After” just yet, but I am lucky enough to be around parents and grandparents that have made it 40 and more years, even going into the great beyond together. I am probably not the best one to be writing this either, since I am on my second “After”, both getting as far as the 8th year… so feel free to correct me. I welcome the information for after the 10th year mark. If you disagree, then you are a little more perfect than the rest of us. Feel free to bask in the glow, and try not to think of when the other shoe will drop. J 1) If you get in the shower, always always bring in your own supplies. Never assume the towel you just draped there this morning will be there when you reach blindly out of the shower curtain. It won’t be. Your spouse has used it to wipe toothpaste off of his mouth, or to lay on the floor under his wet feet while he combs his hair and looks at this or that muscle. It is your job to provide the towels for him and THEN for yourself as well. (Honestly, who is going to fetch a towel when he bellows? He certainly doesn’t see the sense in getting out of a warm shower to breeze naked to the linen closet and freeze off his buns. But if YOU bellow, he ‘won’t hear you’ and you have to make the run just to be able to get OUT of the shower the same day.) 2) Speaking of that towel, it often wanders too. After you have frozen off your buns to fetch another towel, dried off, dressed and replaced it neatly for the hubby’s next use… you walk into your bedroom to find a nice wet towel draped on YOUR side of the bed. You now have two options: Sleep on his side of the bed that night or toss the towel on HIS side so he gets the same pleasure trying to sleep as you. J 3) IF your honey does chores, he will do that chore better than you. Not just better than you, but better than you ever dreamed and you have NO HOPE of ever doing it like he does. He will remind you of this as he does it oh-so-perfectly, and it is your job to praise him and confirm his proclamations. Your biggest mistake will be to argue his points or try to prove him wrong by actually DOING this chore yourself. Don’t do it. That is part of the game and YOU lose. The chore then becomes yours, and you will NOT get the praise for doing it as he received. You will also never be able to give it back or try to undo the damage. There are no takesies backsies. 4) If he is a mama’s boy, never EVER talk bad about his mom. Find a girlfriend to do this with. That little irritation you had because she commented on your cherry pie is just a little crack in the sidewalk when talking to your friends. It will turn into a hand grenade if you attempt to share your feelings with your spouse. If the MIL doesn’t like you, she will make sure you make this mistake often. I would advise that you not take them all to heart, work on going over those speed bumps and find out what it is that your hubby loves so much about her. If you choose to fight for his love against her, you will lose by how ever many years old your husband happens to be. Find a pillow to scream in then continue your quest to become the best daughter in law ever. How long can she resist your charms anyway? 5) Don’t comment on his clothing. He will remind you that you noticed him, dated him, married him in those clothes. He will be right. He doesn’t understand that styles change, or that you have a keen eye for what would look better on him to hide the faults he can’t see. Just buy the item you want to see on him. If it is a new item of clothing, you must hide his favorites ‘in the laundry’ first. Then when he grudgingly puts them on, you can moony eye him and dote on him to prove to him how good he looks. He MAY believe you, but there are ways to seal the deal that only a wife knows. He will look forward to putting on that item the next time. Do this the same way with shoes, hair styles, etc. Not sure if it works with a car yet… 6) Don’t nag. Please don’t. If you nag or yell more than once a day, you have slowly built filters in his ears. (and everyone else around you when you do this) There is a way to be heard when you need to be heard. Actually, there are several. (The towel on the bed trick is an example) Think strategically. Ask once with a smile, and get a response that is more than just him looking at you. After you get the response, give a kiss and walk away perfectly confident that you were heard and understood, and that what you asked will be done. It could be putting the tweezers away that sit on your shelf full of family photo’s. The next day, if they are still there, just put them away. J This will confuse him up more than anything. HE knows you asked HIM to put it away, but HE knows he did NOT put the item away, which mean it MUST be there somewhere and he is just overlooking it. His only choice will be for him to ask you for it, which you reply “you put it away yesterday, remember?”, or to continue looking for it just so he doesn’t have to admit to not doing as you so kindly asked. Either way, you continue about your business, only glancing at him once or twice without trying to burst out laughing. And when it comes to bigger things, the worst thing you can do is attempt to do what you asked of him YOURSELF. Flounder, be clumsy, try not to do much damage to yourself or the item but make it look like it will happen any moment. Make sure your theatrics are done where he can see. Moan, groan and say ‘uh-oh’ a lot. A man will want to ‘fix it’ and hopefully before it CAN’T be fixed! Pick your battles because if you do this too much he will surely catch on. 7) There IS a way to get your hubby to help with the school age kids and homework. Simply tell the kiddo’s to go see Daddy (within ear shot of Daddy) “since he is the BEST at this kind of work and if it wasn’t for him even I would be lost!” This means that Dad is now Superman in the child's eyes, and saying he doesn't have time shows weakness (his kids will think he is not really busy, just that he doesn't know the answers, and Dad CAN'T let that happen) So smile and drink your coffee while Daddy struggles through Math. (Or the dreaded science projects~shudder.) Okay, there are many (many many many) more ways to deal with things in a marriage, things you will run into, things you will have to struggle through in your Happily Ever After...but if you have fun with it and get creative it is entirely possible that you could be one that goes to the Great Beyond with your love at your side. I am still working on mine, but like I said before, I have great examples so this list will be updated as the years go by. Excuse me, I have to ask the husband about that front porch light getting replaced...