Shake My Head

While sitting in drive up at Arby’s in this little town and I ask for a #1 with curly fries and coke. Their reply: “Is that the sandwich or the meal?” “Uh, that would be a meal if I asked for the fries and drink right?” I said, trying to prompt thinking skills. “Yeah, but we are supposed to ask every time…” SMH ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ While standing at the counter in Subway, holding a bag of chips while they ring up my sandwich at the register. “Is that a meal?” they assume correctly, looking at the chips in my hand, “Yes, please” I reply. Their reply: “Is that with chips or a cookie?” SMH ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At the gas station in same little town as above, “Why isn’t there decaf coffee being sold any longer?” They told me they only sold one cup in four hours so they dumped it, saying “Besides, the Hazelnut is loads better anyway”, she replies sarcastically. “So the Hazelnut is Decaf then?” I ask. “uh, no?” she glares. “So why bring it up if I asked you about Decaf coffee?” Dumb look to follow but no more rude comments. SMH ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Feel Free to add your own SMH moments:

Debate of Experience

Should we use “Southern Protocol” and keep our feelings, personal thoughts, opinions, and life experience to ourselves for the sake of others? Man, what boring existence that would be, but that’s Just My Opinion. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I know there are song writers that use what personal things have happened to them to WRITE about it, then SING about it in a public forum. The person he/she is writing about knows it is about them, and I am sure they are not too happy to have their business out there. What about my favorite singer Pink? She used her songs to apologize, to fix her relationship, to show us that tough girls can be vulnerable too, that when you get knocked down you ARE strong enough to move forward. She uses HER experience to put her music out there, and to help others that hear it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tom Hanks is another interest of mine. He is a great actor (In My Opinion) that uses his experiences to create and produce movies, pieces of history that should not be forgotten, that features REAL people in REAL situations and how they got through it. I am sure some of the people in the production were looked at as the ‘bad guy’ in our eyes, and they (or their family) aren’t happy they were portrayed in that way. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What about Anne Frank? She wrote in her own private journal! She hid it! Someone found it, and someone made it public. Is her family upset? Are the people who are portrayed as ‘bad’ in her journal liking the fact that we made her thoughts, feelings, and experiences public? Is her family okay with this? This is real, it happened, and it brings back such pain and hurt of a terrible time in their lives. Yes, the family moved it forward to get the message out there. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Vincent Willem Van Gogh set the stage for Expressionism, a form of painting that expresses the artists inner feelings. He even did a self portrait with his ear bandaged after his self mutilation. Not only did he do this injury to himself to let go of his pain, knowing it could be seen, but he painted it to go down in history. He WANTED his story told. Do you think his parents and siblings wanted everyone to know of his mental instability? Do you think they wanted every9one to know he felt his childhood was “gloomy, cold and sterile”. His siblings didn’t mind sharing with people how oddly detached he was. The SERVANTS even had something to say about him as soon as his work became famous. He put himself out there to be judged. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Imagine what we would have lost out on if they had obeyed the “Southern Protocol”? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So why should we keep to ourselves, in fear of ‘maybe’ causing someone a little emotional pain just because they are affiliated with OUR life and what WE experienced in it? Isn’t our story worth telling? Can’t someone learn from it? Now, if you told the people with bruised feelings that it would be positive, that it would be uplifting, that they would be known for all the good they have done, then HECK YEAH they would let you tell YOUR story with them in the sidelines. Of Course. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My life has had difficulties, we all have, and I can honestly say there wasn’t anything in it that I could not rise above. I went down some dark paths, but I found a solution and I used my strengths and my resources (family) to get me OUT of that problem before it turned disastrous. I was lucky, I found those tools in myself, in the people I share my life with and the community. I feel strongly that someone, somewhere is looking for answers, that sits where I was at one point, and just needs that tiny window of hope or a word of advice from someone that has gone through it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Regardless of pouty faces and thinly disguised disgust, the people that take offense are MOST LIKELY the ones that have called me at all hours of the night asking for help with something they KNOW I have gone through. He/She knows I won’t discuss their situation without their express permission, but I WILL discuss MY OWN, even if it involves them. It’s a risk of being in my life. I can’t think of anyone that I would be able to talk about right now that I haven’t learned something from. If you know me and my style of writing, you know the only one I bash on is myself, or someone that DARES me and gives me permission. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In this case, this discussion was brought up by two different gentlemen, and after much ‘debate’ I have limited contact in a personal forum. Obviously they are too hurt by what I feel and think about my own life to allow me to continue to cause them such pain. Yes, I am being sarcastic. It is my style after all. Will that put a Muffler on ME? No. But it will put their Blinders back on THEM, which is how they choose to live. But if that were true, they better stop watching TV, Reading, looking at Art, and stop listening to music. Only then will their feelings truly be protected. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Good luck with that fellows. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Well, even in that deep misery I felt my energy revive, and I said to myself: in spite of everything I shall rise again, I will take up my pencil, which I have forsaken in great discouragement, and I will go on with my drawing, and from that moment everything has seemed transformed in me." ~Van Gogh

Great Smile

I have been told I have a great smile, a genuine smile. A compliment like that is unexpected and actually makes me smile MORE. I feel my lips stretch until my teeth show, and my eye’s crinkle. I love to smile, I love to SHARE that smile, and get one in return. It isn’t hard to do, it doesn’t cost me a dime, and it makes both me AND them happy for a second. So why is it so hard to smile just for me? I used to smile at funny personal thoughts where people would ask me what I was thinking. I used to smile at my silly looks and poses in the mirror while getting ready for work. Heck, even a laugh would break out at those times. It doesn’t exist for me anymore. I don’t give myself the same love and attention that I used to, and that I give to other people, even strangers! So I have a new goal for myself. (Yeah, add it to all the other ones I have yet to complete) I am going to practice giving myself the same quick love, a SMILE, when I see myself. I am going to look hella-vain when people catch me doing this, say, in a vehicle window reflection. But I am DETERMINED to give myself the same love I am willing to send out to a stranger! Why not?! I should be just as deserving. I HOPE it’s something like me just being out of practice, and not some punishment I am unknowingly putting on myself. It feels that way sometimes. But since I scold and punish myself often enough, it’s time for some self love too. Let’s see if this makes a difference..

What You Know

(This is for the person that claims I have it easy, that I am sheltered and have just begun to experience how REAL life is…) A very wise person once told me, “Jen, write what you know.” The stories I wrote were things I imagined, ‘what-if’s’, and ‘I-wish’ type stories. They had good idea’s but no real substance. I thought they were GREAT as a kid, but as an adult I can read them and I know what is missing. Knowledge. I could not describe falling in love, or a kiss, or any of the struggles being married really entailed. The fear of having your life threatened, your child in danger? I know it now. A murder a few doors down, or SWAT running through your backyard, gunshots? I can write about it. Abuse, adultery and abandonment? Got it in detail. Family battling with deadly illness, personal illness, losing someone from deadly illness? I know how it feels. Miscarriage, unplanned pregnancy? Yup, been there. Homelessness, financial battles, going hungry? I only needed to experience that once, thank you. I also have a romantic love story of loss and rediscovery. I have the blessing of 3 sets of blue eyes and a set of green to fight for daily. I am blessed with a white knight, whom can still get on my nerves. I have a family that stands behind me like a brick wall warding off danger. I have had adventures in Georgia, Virginia, Wyoming, Canada, Missouri, Colorado, South Dakota and Alaska to name a few, and the memories alone are worth writing about. I am lucky in a way that I KNOW these things. I know that we all have our own path, our own battles to fight, and I have had mine. I am sure this is not the end of them either. I am supposed to learn. I am supposed to grow. And I think, I feel, I am supposed to write and share as well. So when someone tells you to write what you know, and you stand there confused and cannot grab a single thought… Don’t worry. You will one day have a story to tell. One that does not match any other. And I hope you write it down, and that you can find a way to share it too. (REAL life is not just what YOU experienced. It is different for everyone, and you may believe your struggles are harder, more often, and they may be. But it is your struggle, your decisions, your life. Your experiences are uniquely your own to learn from, as are mine. Thank you for understanding.)