Marriology

There is some dispute on how “Happily Ever After” is supposed to work. Granted, I haven’t gotten too far into my “After” just yet, but I am lucky enough to be around parents and grandparents that have made it 40 and more years, even going into the great beyond together. I am probably not the best one to be writing this either, since I am on my second “After”, both getting as far as the 8th year… so feel free to correct me. I welcome the information for after the 10th year mark. If you disagree, then you are a little more perfect than the rest of us. Feel free to bask in the glow, and try not to think of when the other shoe will drop. J 1) If you get in the shower, always always bring in your own supplies. Never assume the towel you just draped there this morning will be there when you reach blindly out of the shower curtain. It won’t be. Your spouse has used it to wipe toothpaste off of his mouth, or to lay on the floor under his wet feet while he combs his hair and looks at this or that muscle. It is your job to provide the towels for him and THEN for yourself as well. (Honestly, who is going to fetch a towel when he bellows? He certainly doesn’t see the sense in getting out of a warm shower to breeze naked to the linen closet and freeze off his buns. But if YOU bellow, he ‘won’t hear you’ and you have to make the run just to be able to get OUT of the shower the same day.) 2) Speaking of that towel, it often wanders too. After you have frozen off your buns to fetch another towel, dried off, dressed and replaced it neatly for the hubby’s next use… you walk into your bedroom to find a nice wet towel draped on YOUR side of the bed. You now have two options: Sleep on his side of the bed that night or toss the towel on HIS side so he gets the same pleasure trying to sleep as you. J 3) IF your honey does chores, he will do that chore better than you. Not just better than you, but better than you ever dreamed and you have NO HOPE of ever doing it like he does. He will remind you of this as he does it oh-so-perfectly, and it is your job to praise him and confirm his proclamations. Your biggest mistake will be to argue his points or try to prove him wrong by actually DOING this chore yourself. Don’t do it. That is part of the game and YOU lose. The chore then becomes yours, and you will NOT get the praise for doing it as he received. You will also never be able to give it back or try to undo the damage. There are no takesies backsies. 4) If he is a mama’s boy, never EVER talk bad about his mom. Find a girlfriend to do this with. That little irritation you had because she commented on your cherry pie is just a little crack in the sidewalk when talking to your friends. It will turn into a hand grenade if you attempt to share your feelings with your spouse. If the MIL doesn’t like you, she will make sure you make this mistake often. I would advise that you not take them all to heart, work on going over those speed bumps and find out what it is that your hubby loves so much about her. If you choose to fight for his love against her, you will lose by how ever many years old your husband happens to be. Find a pillow to scream in then continue your quest to become the best daughter in law ever. How long can she resist your charms anyway? 5) Don’t comment on his clothing. He will remind you that you noticed him, dated him, married him in those clothes. He will be right. He doesn’t understand that styles change, or that you have a keen eye for what would look better on him to hide the faults he can’t see. Just buy the item you want to see on him. If it is a new item of clothing, you must hide his favorites ‘in the laundry’ first. Then when he grudgingly puts them on, you can moony eye him and dote on him to prove to him how good he looks. He MAY believe you, but there are ways to seal the deal that only a wife knows. He will look forward to putting on that item the next time. Do this the same way with shoes, hair styles, etc. Not sure if it works with a car yet… 6) Don’t nag. Please don’t. If you nag or yell more than once a day, you have slowly built filters in his ears. (and everyone else around you when you do this) There is a way to be heard when you need to be heard. Actually, there are several. (The towel on the bed trick is an example) Think strategically. Ask once with a smile, and get a response that is more than just him looking at you. After you get the response, give a kiss and walk away perfectly confident that you were heard and understood, and that what you asked will be done. It could be putting the tweezers away that sit on your shelf full of family photo’s. The next day, if they are still there, just put them away. J This will confuse him up more than anything. HE knows you asked HIM to put it away, but HE knows he did NOT put the item away, which mean it MUST be there somewhere and he is just overlooking it. His only choice will be for him to ask you for it, which you reply “you put it away yesterday, remember?”, or to continue looking for it just so he doesn’t have to admit to not doing as you so kindly asked. Either way, you continue about your business, only glancing at him once or twice without trying to burst out laughing. And when it comes to bigger things, the worst thing you can do is attempt to do what you asked of him YOURSELF. Flounder, be clumsy, try not to do much damage to yourself or the item but make it look like it will happen any moment. Make sure your theatrics are done where he can see. Moan, groan and say ‘uh-oh’ a lot. A man will want to ‘fix it’ and hopefully before it CAN’T be fixed! Pick your battles because if you do this too much he will surely catch on. 7) There IS a way to get your hubby to help with the school age kids and homework. Simply tell the kiddo’s to go see Daddy (within ear shot of Daddy) “since he is the BEST at this kind of work and if it wasn’t for him even I would be lost!” This means that Dad is now Superman in the child's eyes, and saying he doesn't have time shows weakness (his kids will think he is not really busy, just that he doesn't know the answers, and Dad CAN'T let that happen) So smile and drink your coffee while Daddy struggles through Math. (Or the dreaded science projects~shudder.) Okay, there are many (many many many) more ways to deal with things in a marriage, things you will run into, things you will have to struggle through in your Happily Ever After...but if you have fun with it and get creative it is entirely possible that you could be one that goes to the Great Beyond with your love at your side. I am still working on mine, but like I said before, I have great examples so this list will be updated as the years go by. Excuse me, I have to ask the husband about that front porch light getting replaced...

Shake My Head

While sitting in drive up at Arby’s in this little town and I ask for a #1 with curly fries and coke. Their reply: “Is that the sandwich or the meal?” “Uh, that would be a meal if I asked for the fries and drink right?” I said, trying to prompt thinking skills. “Yeah, but we are supposed to ask every time…” SMH ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ While standing at the counter in Subway, holding a bag of chips while they ring up my sandwich at the register. “Is that a meal?” they assume correctly, looking at the chips in my hand, “Yes, please” I reply. Their reply: “Is that with chips or a cookie?” SMH ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At the gas station in same little town as above, “Why isn’t there decaf coffee being sold any longer?” They told me they only sold one cup in four hours so they dumped it, saying “Besides, the Hazelnut is loads better anyway”, she replies sarcastically. “So the Hazelnut is Decaf then?” I ask. “uh, no?” she glares. “So why bring it up if I asked you about Decaf coffee?” Dumb look to follow but no more rude comments. SMH ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Feel Free to add your own SMH moments:

Debate of Experience

Should we use “Southern Protocol” and keep our feelings, personal thoughts, opinions, and life experience to ourselves for the sake of others? Man, what boring existence that would be, but that’s Just My Opinion. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I know there are song writers that use what personal things have happened to them to WRITE about it, then SING about it in a public forum. The person he/she is writing about knows it is about them, and I am sure they are not too happy to have their business out there. What about my favorite singer Pink? She used her songs to apologize, to fix her relationship, to show us that tough girls can be vulnerable too, that when you get knocked down you ARE strong enough to move forward. She uses HER experience to put her music out there, and to help others that hear it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tom Hanks is another interest of mine. He is a great actor (In My Opinion) that uses his experiences to create and produce movies, pieces of history that should not be forgotten, that features REAL people in REAL situations and how they got through it. I am sure some of the people in the production were looked at as the ‘bad guy’ in our eyes, and they (or their family) aren’t happy they were portrayed in that way. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What about Anne Frank? She wrote in her own private journal! She hid it! Someone found it, and someone made it public. Is her family upset? Are the people who are portrayed as ‘bad’ in her journal liking the fact that we made her thoughts, feelings, and experiences public? Is her family okay with this? This is real, it happened, and it brings back such pain and hurt of a terrible time in their lives. Yes, the family moved it forward to get the message out there. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Vincent Willem Van Gogh set the stage for Expressionism, a form of painting that expresses the artists inner feelings. He even did a self portrait with his ear bandaged after his self mutilation. Not only did he do this injury to himself to let go of his pain, knowing it could be seen, but he painted it to go down in history. He WANTED his story told. Do you think his parents and siblings wanted everyone to know of his mental instability? Do you think they wanted every9one to know he felt his childhood was “gloomy, cold and sterile”. His siblings didn’t mind sharing with people how oddly detached he was. The SERVANTS even had something to say about him as soon as his work became famous. He put himself out there to be judged. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Imagine what we would have lost out on if they had obeyed the “Southern Protocol”? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So why should we keep to ourselves, in fear of ‘maybe’ causing someone a little emotional pain just because they are affiliated with OUR life and what WE experienced in it? Isn’t our story worth telling? Can’t someone learn from it? Now, if you told the people with bruised feelings that it would be positive, that it would be uplifting, that they would be known for all the good they have done, then HECK YEAH they would let you tell YOUR story with them in the sidelines. Of Course. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My life has had difficulties, we all have, and I can honestly say there wasn’t anything in it that I could not rise above. I went down some dark paths, but I found a solution and I used my strengths and my resources (family) to get me OUT of that problem before it turned disastrous. I was lucky, I found those tools in myself, in the people I share my life with and the community. I feel strongly that someone, somewhere is looking for answers, that sits where I was at one point, and just needs that tiny window of hope or a word of advice from someone that has gone through it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Regardless of pouty faces and thinly disguised disgust, the people that take offense are MOST LIKELY the ones that have called me at all hours of the night asking for help with something they KNOW I have gone through. He/She knows I won’t discuss their situation without their express permission, but I WILL discuss MY OWN, even if it involves them. It’s a risk of being in my life. I can’t think of anyone that I would be able to talk about right now that I haven’t learned something from. If you know me and my style of writing, you know the only one I bash on is myself, or someone that DARES me and gives me permission. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In this case, this discussion was brought up by two different gentlemen, and after much ‘debate’ I have limited contact in a personal forum. Obviously they are too hurt by what I feel and think about my own life to allow me to continue to cause them such pain. Yes, I am being sarcastic. It is my style after all. Will that put a Muffler on ME? No. But it will put their Blinders back on THEM, which is how they choose to live. But if that were true, they better stop watching TV, Reading, looking at Art, and stop listening to music. Only then will their feelings truly be protected. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Good luck with that fellows. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Well, even in that deep misery I felt my energy revive, and I said to myself: in spite of everything I shall rise again, I will take up my pencil, which I have forsaken in great discouragement, and I will go on with my drawing, and from that moment everything has seemed transformed in me." ~Van Gogh

Great Smile

I have been told I have a great smile, a genuine smile. A compliment like that is unexpected and actually makes me smile MORE. I feel my lips stretch until my teeth show, and my eye’s crinkle. I love to smile, I love to SHARE that smile, and get one in return. It isn’t hard to do, it doesn’t cost me a dime, and it makes both me AND them happy for a second. So why is it so hard to smile just for me? I used to smile at funny personal thoughts where people would ask me what I was thinking. I used to smile at my silly looks and poses in the mirror while getting ready for work. Heck, even a laugh would break out at those times. It doesn’t exist for me anymore. I don’t give myself the same love and attention that I used to, and that I give to other people, even strangers! So I have a new goal for myself. (Yeah, add it to all the other ones I have yet to complete) I am going to practice giving myself the same quick love, a SMILE, when I see myself. I am going to look hella-vain when people catch me doing this, say, in a vehicle window reflection. But I am DETERMINED to give myself the same love I am willing to send out to a stranger! Why not?! I should be just as deserving. I HOPE it’s something like me just being out of practice, and not some punishment I am unknowingly putting on myself. It feels that way sometimes. But since I scold and punish myself often enough, it’s time for some self love too. Let’s see if this makes a difference..

What You Know

(This is for the person that claims I have it easy, that I am sheltered and have just begun to experience how REAL life is…) A very wise person once told me, “Jen, write what you know.” The stories I wrote were things I imagined, ‘what-if’s’, and ‘I-wish’ type stories. They had good idea’s but no real substance. I thought they were GREAT as a kid, but as an adult I can read them and I know what is missing. Knowledge. I could not describe falling in love, or a kiss, or any of the struggles being married really entailed. The fear of having your life threatened, your child in danger? I know it now. A murder a few doors down, or SWAT running through your backyard, gunshots? I can write about it. Abuse, adultery and abandonment? Got it in detail. Family battling with deadly illness, personal illness, losing someone from deadly illness? I know how it feels. Miscarriage, unplanned pregnancy? Yup, been there. Homelessness, financial battles, going hungry? I only needed to experience that once, thank you. I also have a romantic love story of loss and rediscovery. I have the blessing of 3 sets of blue eyes and a set of green to fight for daily. I am blessed with a white knight, whom can still get on my nerves. I have a family that stands behind me like a brick wall warding off danger. I have had adventures in Georgia, Virginia, Wyoming, Canada, Missouri, Colorado, South Dakota and Alaska to name a few, and the memories alone are worth writing about. I am lucky in a way that I KNOW these things. I know that we all have our own path, our own battles to fight, and I have had mine. I am sure this is not the end of them either. I am supposed to learn. I am supposed to grow. And I think, I feel, I am supposed to write and share as well. So when someone tells you to write what you know, and you stand there confused and cannot grab a single thought… Don’t worry. You will one day have a story to tell. One that does not match any other. And I hope you write it down, and that you can find a way to share it too. (REAL life is not just what YOU experienced. It is different for everyone, and you may believe your struggles are harder, more often, and they may be. But it is your struggle, your decisions, your life. Your experiences are uniquely your own to learn from, as are mine. Thank you for understanding.)

DELETE!!!

I can’t be the only one, but it’s not like I am going to go up to someone and ask either. I am wondering though, do you have the same issue or is it just me? If it IS just me, how do I go about fixing it?! Here is my issue: I have a file box in my head, one that has a bunch of dust on it, very rarely used, and never ever looked for. It sits back in the corner nice and quiet until, very unexpectedly, it FLIES open and a file is yanked out and shoved in my face. I hear, see, and experience a memory all over again. I am THERE, I hear what is being said, and I get the SAME feelings I did then. Let me give you some examples: 1)As a teen I was sitting on my bed, playing my keyboard (had to learn a song by the end of the week) and since it was so beautiful, I could not help singing along. Bette Midler, The Rose. To this day I sing along and my fingers keep the melody in the air as it plays. BUT, yes, the big But…someone came in the room and announced, “oh, there is a reason you play the piano because singing is not your thing.” I was embarrassed, hurt, and I shut up immediately. I don’t sing out loud in public, and not where anyone can hear me at all, since that day. I LOVE Pink, LOVE her, but I only sing to her songs if I am alone or walking AWAY from anyone that can hear me (I hope!). I am very discrete when I want to yell it out and bounce around like she does…but then that file is pulled out and shoved in my face. 2) A teen again, just learning to put on make-up, early high school. I am hogging the bathroom downstairs trying to do my hair and makeup. Finishing touch, the lipstick. I am very careful to put it on like it was showed to me by a makeup artist at Merle Norman. (My mother gifted me with a date with a makeup artist so I would not put it on too heavy since I was determined to wear it) Someone came in the bathroom, laughed at me and told me I put on my lipstick like I was playing in my grandmothers makeup bag. Well, okay then, I don’t know what I am doing. Guess what? Eyes get done, checks are done, and no lips….EVER. There are times when I put it on, then the file SLAPS me in the face and I find all these mistakes and wipe it off. The tint might still be there, so I add chapstick. You can’t screw THAT up can you? 3)I was riding with someone in their care, and we stopped at a red light. A woman walked across the cross walk, bouncing, barely bending her knees, taking REALLY big steps. It was obvious she had something wrong with her, and I am sure the people that loved her were glad she was walking. The driver turned to me and said, “Jen, that’s how YOU walk. If you ever wanted to know what it looks like, that’s it.” So when I walk with my family (SMASH in the face with a file), I don’t try to keep up anymore, since they are all over six foot tall and large steps are required. If I am laughing and joking with my kids and think my steps are too bouncy, I tone it down. 4) I was married young, a young mom, and although tired I still tried my best to please the ex. This meant dressing up for when he got home even though I was tired and drooled on. One day he looked at me with disgust and asked why I bothered putting on makeup at all, when it just looked like I got punched in the eye rather than looking nice. I thought it was too dark, I tried to fix it, no good. I tried calm colors like barely there pink, no luck. Same comment, same disgusted look. Even though we are ancient history, I still get SMACKED with that file when I am in the bathroom mirror. My hand shakes, I second and third guess my color choices….and sometimes I just wipe it off and go without. Are they true? Some say no, but no one will dare say yes. What if they ARE true? How can I go outside with my punched eye, goofy lipstick, bouncy walk and terrible voice? How can I go out in public like that?! What happens if I accidently do more than one at a time? Will someone come pick me up and take me back to the mental ward? This is all stuff that happened 15-20 years ago. I have had plenty of life experience since then. Why isn’t my file drawer FILLED with negative crap that people passing by have said to and about me? Why are there only those few things? And WHY or WHY after so many years do those stupid files make their way out to hit me in the face at the worst of times? If I could face the same experience again I would handle my business. I would tell the person that said I could not sing, “I know I can’t but I enjoy it, so if it bothers you then leave or you can feel free to join me.” To the person that laughs about how I walk, “Well, I am proud of my family and being the smallest one in it, I learned to walk BESIDE them by taking bigger steps. THEY are what matters, and I will find a way to stay by their side, even if that means looking goofy doing so.” For the one who said I can’t put on lipstick, “I have learned to live without it, and also learned that my lips are NOT my best feature.” To the ex that makes fun of my eye make-up, “I know you said it to belittle me, to force me to stay in so no one could see me. I have gotten more compliments on my eyes than anything else. So although you may be right occasionally, you are more often than not, WRONG. You lost.” Now all I have to do is fine a way to destroy that file box and every stinking file IN it. Or, in today's world, DELETE them!

Cursed by Karma

I am looking in the mirror, picking and poking at things that weren’t there just a few short years ago. Grey hair, wrinkles, extra pounds…the list is pretty long. Then I remember someone I examined and ridiculed internally back when I was young and snotty. Back in the day when you think your JLo Booty is gonna stay up where it belongs, and not a bit of cellulite touches your thighs and you don’t even do exercise to keep them looking so great. Smirk, judge, and hair flip. Yup, that was me. Well, Karma is a bitch. It seems that every one of those people I mentally judged has come back to haunt me, ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Now you stop and think, if it really worked this way, (and I am not entirely sure it doesn’t at this point), what will you be suffering with, in a couple years? That lady at work that doesn’t seem to realize she has a mustache? “They make stuff FOR that!” you scoff. Congrats, it seems you now have your own mustache and use every product you can find to help, and seem surprised that they don’t work. The woman with the beautiful face and upper body, but you stare in shock at the thighs that swing forward each step? “Do some lunges and leg lifts girl! You could be a complete package!” Well, you now have saddle bags, and it doesn’t go down no matter HOW many miles you run or HOW many leg lifts you do. The giggle girl with a great smile who’s arms continue waving even after her hands have stopped? “Pick up a weight once and a while, my gosh,” you judge. Now your arms are actually WORSE than hers, and even after the purchase of a Bow-flex you have some grand looking biceps, and still that skin hangs there… So go ahead. Judge the way she limps when she walks, or how tired she looks. Judge how many grays you see poking up around her head or wrinkles around her eyes. It’s going be you one day. Don’t shake your head and try to deny it! Karma is coming for you with every judgment you make on someone else. You are going to be in their shoes, with more than just that one annoying problem, and you will have to struggle with finding a solution, while someone else judges you from afar. I had my share of nasty thinking in my goody-two-shoe days. Thank goodness I never made a comment aloud. Who knows what Karma would be doing to me right now!!!

Grey Rainbow

I know it’s a type of depression, I know it can be fixed, and I know it can be fought through…but is it really worth it? I have family whom I love and adore, and that I miss greatly. I want to go home and spend time with them like I used to. I want those great adventures and crazy predicaments that we got ourselves in. I want all of that, which is what makes me truly happy. But then…. I am the only fat girl in my family. I am the only one that won’t be able to keep up on bike rides or hikes. I will be the one covered from head to toe when swimming. I am the one that will be left behind. I will be the one that avoids the camera when we try to document our adventure. I will be the one that doesn’t smile when I get tricked into a photo. I will be the one that doesn’t come over for potlucks because I will look foolish eating in front of everyone. With all that said, is missing my family the same amount of pain as actually seeing them again and feeling like I am not fit to be around on a daily basis? I keep thinking, while I am away, I should back off emotionally starting now. Besides, who really wants my grey attitude leaking into all of their wonderful colors?

Road Rage vs Common Sense

The irritation builds… ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ That slow car in front of you, going 10 miles UNDER the speed limit as you scoot as close as you dare BEGGING them to get the hint and speed up…. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ That guy that can see you coming a mile down the road, but he sits on the side road with his blinker on for ages until you approach and he picks that moment to dash in front of you…. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The car you are stuck behind as it enters the highway from the on ramp, who doesn’t understand that the highway is 20 miles faster than the road they just left, and you see a looming semi heading your way… ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The driver that doesn’t see the left hand turn light’s arrow come on, and sits there until it turns yellow then lurches out to make the turn although the cars behind it no longer can… ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The long line of cars pretending they can’t see you in a traffic jam as you wait and wait on a side road for that one kind soul to let you in… ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ That driver that zips around you on a solid line, even though you are going 4 miles OVER the speed limit and they barely miss your front bumper in their rush to be first in line for no where… ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The car in the parking lot that pretends they can’t see your reverse lights, drives up behind you, and sits there while it waits for the line to move… ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It’s that split second, in an evil world, where that one person lets go of control and does what the best of us only imagine. Hits another car. On purpose. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Today’s term is called Road Rage, brought on by the loss of Common Sense, which in fact is NOT on the drivers exam and allows many unqualified drivers to claim a license. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I know the feeling, I know the WANT to lose control, but don’t ever plan on doing so just because of the risk of injury to the other driver. I myself have made such mistakes as I have listed above, but once realizing it I raise my hand and mouth the words “sorry” to the other driver. I never pretend I don’t know what I did, and I do my best to let them know so that IF they are having a day such as the one listed above, maybe my little apology will slow the rage. Again, if it were not for the lack of common sense, we wouldn’t have road rage. That’s my math.

Fabulously UN Fabulous

At 36 years old, I still try. Yeah, I do. I still try to put on the t-shirts that show cleavage, even though the cleavage is considerable lower or takes a bit of smart gadgetry to put it back where it belongs. I wear the tighter jeans, but don’t DARE try the skinny jeans and wouldn’t even if I was skinny. I do the strange makeup the girls this day and age use (uh oh, I just said ‘day and age’) with extra sparkle and weird shapes and colors. I do my nails to coordinate my outfit when I have time, and even (sometimes) have toes to match. I get a cute haircut, use the flat iron and curler when I have a spare minute. Chunky, colorful jewelry can be fun too! I can be ‘hip’ by using my son’s babysitter as an example. It’s fun! For a day or two. Then the mom jeans come out, the ones that are baggy but comfortable and your kids don’t want to stand next to you. The pair of jeans where your gut can hang out and it looks like a baggy wrinkle in the front. My glossy, straight, dark brown locks become frizzy and a lighter shade of brown with some grey added. Eventually it ends up in a barrette or even a (gasp!) rubber band. Cleavage? Please. Any comfortable bra will do most days. My fun sandals go to flip flops or ballet slippers…as close to house slippers as I can get away with. My nails are still painted, but my 4th of July spirit clings on longer than it should and doesn’t quite match my pink shirt. There is no makeup on my face at all. In fact, I can’t even find my eyeliner pencil and every one of my freckles can be seen. I don’t know yet if that means my wrinkles can be seen as well, only because I don’t look that close. My eyes are usually closed as I brush my teeth. It’s safer that way. Easier to pretend. I am 36. Is that old? I think it all depends on how you feel, what you allow yourself to look like, and how you allow others to MAKE you feel. In my jeans and ponytail, I can chase my kids and squirt them with a hose. My makeup doesn’t run because I don’t have any on. My dye job and beautiful glossy hair doesn’t ruin or turn green at the pool when I play ‘boat’ for my little ones. My haircut isn’t fancy, but as long as it stays out of my eyes when I play hide and seek, then it works for me. Nails? Well, they ARE painted, but they don’t match my outfits for sure and I can pretend the chipping isn't noticeable at all. I am Absolutely, Outrageously, Undecidedly, Fabulously UN fabulous.

Reality Bites...your Wallet

Wow, it happened again, another special "16 and Pregnant". Why do we keep doing this to the public? Money talks, especially to teens who think it runs the world and the more you have the more important you are. Well, if the kid is working, then good for them on the few dollars they make a week. I would say it's about $300 a pay period, and for a teen that has to rely on their parents, saying "three hundred" probably puts them in shock. I am sure they feel like millionaires. So take them, and that little paycheck to the grocery store of their choice. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is where class begins.... You think you are pregnant, so buy the test to find out: 6.00 for the cheap one, but they REALLY need to know the TRUTH so they buy quality for $18.00. Awwww, it comes out positive! Hooray, parents. Right. So to announce this to your boyfriend you buy a cute pair of baby socks, in hopes he doesn't just slam the car door in your face. That would be maybe $3.00 for a wish upon a star and some sprinkling of good vibes. Good luck with all that. If the boy has good parents then he will be made to pay some money sometime if he has a job, but don't count on it. (I have four sons, so don't think I am just being mean. That's how it is right now.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Now, more than likely you are on your parents insurance, so the birth will be 'free' (by insurance and by them-not by you, which means 'free' to you) OR you can always join the system and take free healthcare. Or, rather, your mom will be in the welfare office with you filling out the forms you can't be bothered with and handing you such things like a Social Security Card that you never realized you had before this point. Also Free. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ About the crib? If you harassed your parents, and you are one of the spoiled kind, you got the catalog crib you were lusting after. If you live in reality, you went down to the Salvation Army and got that dark brown wooden one with the bite marks and cleaned it up real good. Another $50.00. Oops, it doesn't come with a mattress! Imagine that. Another 100.00 for a CLEAN one brand new. Did you think it would fill itself with blankets and sheets? $5.00 per sheet (non designer) and $30.00 for a crib set (no fancy cartoons here). Unlike YOUR bed, these get soiled and cleaned almost daily, so you will need at least three sheets. $15.00 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oops, your baby still doesn't have diapers or clothes or food. Better get on that. A normal teen this day and age doesn't breast feed. Sorry, but they just became sexual objects a few months ago, no way they are going to be used to feed a baby. So, formula it is. 3 oz every two hours for two weeks is $88.00 bucks. That's the generic kind. I hope your baby doesn't have an allergy and require the costly kind, or that baby has gas issues and need to change the type of formula that generics don't make. That would be 144.00 just for the non gassy kind. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Diapers are 96 diapers for 14 bucks. Not bad? This box is used up in 8 days, so buy two for the two week mark (until another payday). $24.00. Oh, don't forget the wipes! $10 but you also have to buy two boxes since you use them TWICE as much as the diapers. (unless you plan to use just one wipe per poop) That would be $20.00 for two weeks. These are store brand also. If you want to be all special and buy the brand names, put another $10.00 on the cost just for the label. If baby has sensitive skin, be prepared to pay this extra cost. Okay, so the baby is fed and diapered, and has a place to sleep. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Clothes. Hopefully all your friends were reeeeaaaalllyyy supportive of your 'surprise' pregnancy and threw you this magnificent baby shower. Or reality hits and a few friends actually took time out of their busy teen day to buy a cute outfit or two while eating some cupcakes your mom laid out beside the bowl of chips. So more than likely YOU have to buy the clothes. I would recommend the Salvation Army yet again, if you want to keep the kid warm. Cute? You don't have the cash for cute. So estimating about 4 outfits a day, that would be $40.00 at Walmart or $10.00 at SA. Yes sweetie, you really will NEED four a day, and not just to play dress up. Baby puke, poop and pee is a daily even hourly thing. We will assume you will NOT be washing clothes daily so you can use these over and over and decide that you will need at least one week of clothing. $280 at Walmart or $70 at SA. (Hey, you can find some good deals there) Hopefully you take some time out to wash some baby clothes once a week, maybe the same day you find time to take that shower. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So, what does that leave you with? In the negative. And that is with your parents paying for YOUR needs like soap and toilet paper. It also doesn't cover your maternity clothes when you can't make your jeans fit. It doesn't cover the shots your baby will need to stay healthy. It doesn't cover RENT for you and your child since more than likely you will be in mommy and daddy's care still. When you are up crying right along side that baby because you are so tired and frustrated, the cuteness no longer just an image in your head about how 'Fun' having a baby will be, please think about giving a REALITY BITES class to your friends. That way they will see the REAL of it and keep their bodies to themselves and their money in their pocket. You lost that chance. Reality just bit you in the butt, as well as your wallet.

'Pretending' to Help? Yeah

All other posts I have been to offer the form 1172-2 to be signed by the soldier and turned in later by a dependent for their ID card renewal. I was not 'allowed' to have the form and was told the only option I had was for my DS husband to stand with me in line. A sign posted in their office clearly states that I can have the form and turn it in signed later. My husband was able to show up later (without me) and talked with the manager who argued military regulations back and forth. In the end my husband just plain asked for the form again to bring to me with his signature. The manager told him he could have the 1172-2 if he went to the back of the line. (even though he was already at the desk with the manager) Also, there is enough staff where the desk does not have to close for lunch. It would not be so busy if they staggered the lunches and continued to work through the day like other successful businesses. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Reply: Thank you for taking the time to complete our survey and we’re sorry that you were not satisfied with you recent visit to the ID Card Facility. In accordance with AR 600-8-14, IDENTIFICATION CARDS FOR MEMBERS OF THE UNIFORMED SERVICES, THEIR ELIGIBLE FAMILY MEMBERS, AND OTHER ELIGIBLE PERSONNEL, dated 17 June 2009. We have a responsibility to protect Personally Identifiable Information (PII) which means the only person that can authorized any ID Technician to access their record in DEERS is the sponsor him or herself. Dependents do not have the authority to access a sponsor’s record in DEERS without a Power of Attorney or a “SIGNED” DD Form 1172-2 by the sponsor. That means the sponsor is the only one that can request this form from our office. In reference to the sign posted outside the ID Card Facility this is exactly what the sign states verbatim: DEPENDENT ID CARDS: If sponsor isn’t present, then must have signed 1172 by the sponsor or Power of Attorney. Nowhere on the sign does it state that a dependent can be issued the form to take to the sponsor. The DD Form 1172-2 must be signed in the presence of a Verifying Official (ID Tech in this office) or the sponsor’s signature must be notarized by a notary. Your sponsor may have been sitting at the manager’s desk, however, the managers desk is not an ID card producing workstation so there is no way that the manager could have printed the form for your sponsor and all the time that your sponsor spent at the manager’s desk could have been used to sign in like all other customers and received customer service. Your husband could have made an appointment at https://rapids-appointments.dmdc.osd.mil/ to receive your ID and saved valuable time. This could have prevented both of you from making three trips to the ID Card Facility. Your sponsor could have also visited his Battalion or Brigade S1 for advice and correct procedure on obtaining an ID card. The ID Card Facility is closed during lunch to allow the printers to cool down, thus preventing delays caused by overheating and errors while processing cards. Lastly we have no control here at FLW on how other ID Card Facilities conduct their business. I can assure you that we follow all rules and regulations. V/R ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Response: The form I asked them for I went home and printed out myself. My soldier signed it and got it notarized on his time, then gave it back to me. They could have HANDED ME A BLANK FORM which they refused to do. 'How can we help' is how you fix ruffled feathers. "Here ma'am, bring this form 1172-2 to your husband to sign when he has a chance and just bring it back to us and we will get you that ID." I asked specifically HOW I could get it done without him standing there holding my hand. They answered with, "There is no other way, he has to be in line waiting with you". A blank form should be able to be issued. I hope that cleared up some confusion on what happened. I will fill the ICE complaint form out in detail next time. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Reply from V/R: Thanks for your feedback. Yes, it is your choice to get a blank form, complete it, and then go get it notarized. However why do that when DEERS will complete the form for you? The time that was spent filling out the form and going to JAG, we could have issued your ID Card. It's you choice, however more easier procedures are in place to assist customers. I don't think that any of my employees were trying to inconvenience you, they probably just found it unusual that you would want to go through those procedures. Lesson learned, we will review procedures and move forward. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Me Again: (shaking my head at the many contradictions so far) You just said that I can not have them print out the form with all the info on it because I was not the soldier? Hmmm. It only gets printed out for the soldier, not the dependent. Since I, as the dependent, was the only one there at the time, it was a solution that would have worked. Point being, as a Drill Sgt in Red Phase, he can't leave. (very rarely) I had to do this, and I was met with problems not solutions. I found a solution ON MY OWN and will continue to do so as long as the support is not there. I appreciate you trying to help and responding to the complaint. Thank you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ His reply: (which was a good cop out) You're very welcome! V/R ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ End point: You can ONLY get an ID card on FLW by making your soldier go in because they will NOT print the prefilled application out for you. So if you have to do this on your own, print out the blank form at home, fill it out yourself, have the hubby sign it, notarize it at ANY bank, and bring it in. Otherwise your hubby has to take even LONGER by going into JAG, getting a Power of Attorney for you, and THEN you can do the whole process without him. With a spouse that can NOT break away but for a few moments, the notarized 1172-2 form is faster. More of a pain for YOU, but faster for HIM so he can get back to work. The DEERS office does not care about HIS time and what he is involved in, but you do, so do your best to make things easier for your spouse since they won't.

The TRUTH About Being a QUITTER

As of April 1st, in an attempt to stop being a fool, I decided just like that to quit smoking. Cold turkey. Let me clarify that cold turkey was not a CHOICE I made either…it was my only option. I happen to be allergic to meds in the same group as the ones that will help me cope on quitting…so no help there. Just a wing and a prayer. I would like to share that I kept that emergency cigarette on the back porch through rain and shine until I completely forgot about it. I guess I would compare it to a pacifier or a child’s favorite blanket. I needed to know it was there ‘just in case’. I will say, after that first 7 days of struggle, and it WAS a struggle, I kept thinking of excuses on why I should give up, or how one puff would not hurt. Then I would go back and beat myself up saying “YOU WENT THROUGH HELL FOR 7 DAYS, WHY START OVER!?” and that would stop me for another day. Sit down, and lets have a convo about how this QUITTING really is. It sucks, in every way possible, it sucks. The first week was me scrambling around my house thinking of NOTHING but NOT smoking and cleaning everything I could get my hands on. When I wasn’t cleaning or when cleaning just wasn’t enough to stop the pull deep in my soul, I would get out of control furious. It was like a fire ball in my chest that got bigger and bigger until I was screaming and banging things. I was running one day and running was not lessening the anger, so I ran harder and faster, but still no change. My anger kept growing faster than I could run it out so I grabbed the bars on the treadmill and lifted that sucker into the air and slammed it on the ground WITH ME ON IT. Twice. The uncontrolled anger won that time and many other times. I had just enough sense to stay away from my kids and pets, thank you very much. They all knew the deal too but they wanted this MORE than I did. So there was about 3 weeks of this bad mood, of which I was aware it was only spurts but everyone now tells me was constant. Well, it finally goes down to where I can manage it, still being snippy at times and less able to be patient around stupidity. A couple days of ‘normal’, and I start sinking. It really feels that way. You just wake up one day and look in the mirror. Before, you were in a rush to handle your business so you had time for a smoke, but after…no reason to rush. Plenty of time to stare at everything ‘wrong’ about you. The world gets pretty heavy, slow, saggy…I can’t even describe it really. Physically, that’s what it felt like. Mentally I was not wanting to think about the next day, what bills needed paid, and I rarely paid attention to who had what homework and if the chores were done. I just didn’t care. I could see them playing, or arguing, or needing attention, but unless someone was hurt I was not blinking an eye. Honestly, all I wanted to do was sleep and be left alone. NOT GOOD FOR A BUSY MOM!!! NOT GOOD! I cried all the time for nothing, and I never bothered to talk to my husband. He should have been my support, but I just didn’t want to be bothered with being told to “feel better”. I know NOW he wouldn’t have done that, but in the shadows that I was in, I thought he would just be another person patting my on the back. I could not even tell him what I needed, which would confuse him and make him feel inadequate when he was already taking over all the things I was supposed to be doing at home. Seeing someone else do my job didn’t pull me out of my funk, it made me feel that I wasn’t needed, that life could go on without me. I was in a pretty sorry state. I tried to talk about it and I got a lot of support that I myself would give if I was reading it from someone else. (mostly anyway) I wanted it to work, I wanted to believe what they said, I wanted to feel better, and I wanted to be able to say ‘thank you’ for them being there. Instead, I shut off the computer. I shut everyone out, then I got my focus. I slowly pulled myself out of a hole, little by little, day by day. I kept the focus on me, with no distractions, and kept telling myself to keep going. I had NO IDEA all of this was from quitting smoking. All I wanted was for it to end, to be able to do the things I was doing before. This is NOT something that was explained to me as a side effect of quitting, so I am seriously putting that out there for you. Not kidding. It sucked worse than the anger. I was prepared for the anger. Granted, not to the extent it went at times, but I knew it was from quitting and it would pass. I coped. The depression, that was never expected and very difficult for me to deal with. After that cloud moved on (about 3 more weeks of it!) I was all silly happy again! I SHOULDN’T be with all the WEIGHT I gained, but I do indeed feel better. I might have gained the 30 it took a year to lose, but my happy is back. We all know that weight gain is a side effect of quitting, so I am prepared for that as well. I know it will happen, I have clothes for that purpose, and I have to work harder to fix the problem. I laugh about it, I poke fun at myself and my ‘chubby pants’, and I take my rear to the pool EVERY DAY to swim for two hours. That is a win/win situation for me and the kids. Our moods are better, we get plenty of sun and time together, and I am still NOT SMOKING! So, that’s the truth. Don’t just read a pamphlet about quitting, talk to real people and ask for the serious low down about it all. PLEASE don’t continue smoking out of fear, just use the knowledge to go into this prepared. And being prepared is what helped me with two out of three difficult steps. Good luck!

Pride vs Arrogance

I am a ‘big girl’. Past blogs have shown how I feel about that so let me move on… Being a big girl means that it’s just a tad harder for me to ‘like’ what I see and dress up a body that I am not particularly fond of most of the time. There are days that feeling pretty actually happens. I have a sense of pride on how my hair turned out that day or the fact that my makeup brings my eyes out more than usual. I like that the polish I chose for my fingers and toes brings out my tan more or that for ONCE I have blemish free skin! Those are prideful moments. How I feel when I get in my car, turn on my favorite song and sing in a voice I don’t recognize as my own scratchy out of tune one. I can smile as I dance to the beat of my stereo and realize that my normally shy self is dancing crazy with people staring at me and I don’t care. That’s pride in myself and my appearance. I am caring about me, what I think, how I feel and what I look like just for myself and not for others. I will never fit the mold that society says I should be in. I will never be the exact shape and size that I draw for myself in the mirror. I will keep trying to be my ‘best’ whatever my best is. And I am sure I will have down days when love for myself is not there. I live for those days of pride, for being comfortable with the little things that I DO like about myself. I have seen people take it too far. Blasting their stereo so that the windows vibrate. Wearing so much jewelry that their fingers clink together and they rattle when they walk. Bringing out the color in their eyes with makeup painted on. Clothing too tight to breath, and rolls of skin hanging out of every available crease. That is not pride. That is arrogance. They believe so highly of themselves that they MUST share it with the world. We don’t get a choice in experiencing this with them. Arrogance is forcing us to experience it with you, and our opinions could very well differ. Having Pride in yourself is exactly that, pride in YOURSELF. It is for you to experience. And more than likely, that subtle love rubs off onto others.

In a Perfect World

A female friend posted this picture on her wall, and I made a silly comment "Can we get a cute poem for our thighs?" just to be silly. Well, a Mr. Wheat then commented his opinion, and since this is actually Just Opinions, I thought I would share his comments: "This is not a picture for males to appreciate." I replied that some men do, but in longer context. This is his explanation about his own wife and post baby body. And do keep an open mind! "I told her to get herself to work. These are things we can control and manipulate with diet and workout routines. No reason not to get right back into shape. She of course had extra lbs on her after giving birth, that's a normal part of the process. Nobody's body will go without SOME permanent thing such as some stretch marks but I know plenty in person who look the same or even better by 6-8 months post delivery by just working hard for it. Looks absolutely matter, I'd not try to pretend that a sexual attraction isn't the start of most every single romantic relationship, that'd be silly. Nobody is perfect but I don't feel it's any reason not to make the best of what we are born with and what we suffer in life through experiences like childbirth. It will fade as you said, so I'll celebrate the moment and extend it as possible with some gym time dedication and the only result would be a healthier body." We were appalled, and yes, offended! And we told him so, so he explained himself... "Working out, yes get to work. Not everyone is blessed with sports illustrated bodies, 98% of people just have to work their butts off to accomplish goals. I see nothing wrong with hard work to get in shape." And yes, I agree with this point, but not for someone ELSE to tell their loved one such. Not unless they plan to do the work along with making such comments. Its work to carry the kid for almost a year, it's work to birth HIS baby, why the heck should we jump back in the gym just because he thinks we should? He wasn't happy with me and my 'big mouth' when I stated not all men think or feel such a way. "I cut no slack to those who fail to help themselves, most certainly not my wife. I don't think you can speak for what the entire world would have done. Furthermore, if you DON'T know someone maybe you should bite your tongue before making personal attacks on them. Thanks." No, I don't know him. I only commented and read. I think that's all I need to do. But, just so I was giving him a fair shot at what he did and did not truly believe, I checked out HIS page. This is what I found on Mr. Wheat's page: "OK, I've seen the same things posted by women about body image over and over. So let me clarify for you ladies. THIS IS WHAT A WOMAN SHOULD LOOK LIKE IN A PERFECT WORLD."

In a Perfect World, imagine all the changes we would have to make on both male and female. Get started Mr. Wheat, let me know how close YOU get to perfection before your time is up.

Note to Self Esteem "Come Back!"

Okay, per past blogs, you know that my weight is something I am struggling with. No, I am not one of those ‘skinny’ ladies that imagine a pooch of a belly. No, I am not ‘big boned’ either. I am of average size 5’6” holding on my average frame a person and a half. If normal for me is a buck fifty, then I have 40 cents I need to spend. Not healthy. Not happy. I stopped smoking on April 1st. I thought it would not affect me. The biggest fear a woman smoker has while quitting is to gain weight. Tah-dah! I am not invincible. Now instead of fighting smoking, I am fighting weight gain and low self esteem. The ladies at work are losing their winter weight together by walking. You can see them slim down while showing off their spring and summer clothes as the weather warms up. Me? I run a mile in the morning, sometimes two, and try to get back on it at night for a 2nd or 3rd mile of the day. What do I get for it? Sweat, and continued use of my winter clothes. I have a serious attitude. I have called myself some not-so-good names in the mirror. And my poor husband…sigh. So imagine my surprise: A gentle man comes in all the time for change. He either drives a big truck or his Harley. He is usually pretty quiet, and gruff acting. Imagine my surprise when he asked for my number (which he did not get), gave me a wink, and did a kiss noise as he drove away. Hmmm. What gives? Another gentleman comes in regularly to handle his business accounts. Always laughing and smiling. Well, this morning he says “you look good!” I smile with a polite thank you, and he responds with “I’m not joking. I say that to be friendly with everyone, but for you I am telling the truth.” Serious face on him, shocked face on me.~~~~~~ Maybe they can’t see the bottom half of me, since it’s all work done at a window of the bank. Maybe their view is fogged or skewed by the glass window. ~~~~~~~But then a coworker walked behind me and said “looking better and better every day”. (Joking happens all the time, I don’t take offense easy to comments) I turned and said “No, it’s getting worse, don’t lie please.” To where he answered, “I am not your husband, so I have no reason to lie about how you look. I am not lying.” So I stood there dumbfounded. ~~~~~I see it in the mirror and I see it on the scale. I am not traditionally ‘pretty’ where my looks could hide a few extra pounds. They are clearly visible to me. Ten negative pounds ago I was taking pictures and flaunting my curves. Ten plus pounds later I am squeezing extra curves into my clothes!~~~ If I were to put value into what someone else thinks, which I normally don’t, why can’t I believe what three different men tell me?! They are the opposite sex, and as far as they are saying, I can still attract their attention. So why doesn’t this lift my spirits? Why can’t I see myself the way they see me?! Did my self esteem disappear pound for pound? If you see it, or know of some bait used to catch it, please let me know. (This done while ignoring the grumbling in my stomach, begging for food rather than water and pretzels for lunch.)

Things I Never Knew

This is pretty morbid, but there is a personal issue going on that brought this subject up for me. Like many of my posts, this is just something to THINK about, not intended to depress but more to take action if you see this in yourself. If you died today, would you feel that your child had the full benefit of knowing you? Would he be able to share a story with his own child about a memory he has of you? Would she discuss the great works you did, and feel pride that she is your child? Would he be able to say “This is what my father believed” or “This is how my mother felt about this”. Would she remember your smile, your laugh? Would he be able to pick up an object that belonged to you, and tell that objects story? Would she have a picture of you on her wall? If your child died today, would you feel you knew them? Would you grieve with the knowledge that they knew their whole life that they were loved and cherished by you? Would they leave this world knowing they always had your support in everything they did and everything they are? Or would you go through their belongings in an attempt to learn what they thought and felt? Would a picture of them in soccer make you wonder why you don’t remember attending a game? Would a their journal entry make you say “I never knew” this happened or that she felt this way? In those final moments, whenever they may be, I want our eyes to meet in love and not a word or regret come from our lips. I never want to look back and wonder about the Things I Never Knew.

Tattoo's vs. a Job

Hair and tattoo’s. That’s what I want to talk about today. In fact, it is something that has bugged me since I was a teen. You own a business, say, a coffee shop, and someone comes to your counter and asks for an application. Of course you would give it to them, but in your heart you are saying ‘no way’. Why? Because half of their hair is shaved off and the other half is purple and blue. A young lady came into the bank where I work to turn in her application. She was dressed nice, her hair was clean and neat, and she had a kind smile. Then she slid her hand across the counter and the answer was again, “no” in my head. She must have been near a baby when she got tattoo’s on the back of both hands. The design was a Dream Catcher (very pretty Indian art) with feathers down every finger. Very nice, but it should not be on such a visible part of the body. To apply for a job where your hands are seen more than your face, it is unwise to apply with the art being a distraction. To me it does not portray ‘individuality or creativity’, it is an obvious ploy for attention, to be noticed in a sea of suits and ties. Is that a bad thing? Not necessarily. When your JOB is to GET attention for your art, then have at it!! If you are a hair dresser for the young group, go for the funky young styles (but keep it where you can still go to a nice restaurant without being kicked out). If you work for a tattoo parlor, by all means, ink yourself from head to toe. Show case your art! Don’t go into a business where the dress is suit and tie and you have a nose ring shining in the florescent lights. It’s common sense. If you want the art, put it where it can be tastefully covered. (I am a tattoo lover myself…my HUSBAND is my art board!) If you want the funky hair color, do it for a day or event with wash out color. If you want a funky style, then STYLE it funky for that day or event, don’t CUT IT where you can’t get away from it when you have a board meeting to go to. There is a soldier at the gate that has Egyptian symbols on the back of his hand and down each finger of just one hand. He is Military Police officer, demanding respect, but for me when I see that hand painted up, I honestly want to tell him to wear a glove. I don’t know why exactly, I can’t pin point it, but for me and several others (including *SHOCK* my kids) we lost a little of the fear or respect we should have for him with the markings on his hand. In our eyes, the MP’s on post are supposed to be darn near perfect. They don’t break rules, the keep US from breaking them. The tattoo on his hand throws off that image. It just does. In 1996 the Army changed the rules on tattoo’s to get more men to join…and in 2012 they are changing it back. I say good for them. A good friend of mine has a hubby that runs a tattoo shop, but he can put on a suit and look GOOD. His wife is his art board with impressive works covering her back, but she can dress up and go to a high society ball if she wanted. They know what they are doing. They have the work they want, they project the image they need for the business and for a PTA meeting both at the same time. THAT shows respect. I guess it comes with age. Be dumb when you are young, but try try try not to do anything permanent to your body until you are making a living on your own. (like ear plugs…geez)

What happened to the Editor?!

The girls at work were oohing and aahing at the newspaper that gets delivered to work. (yes, it seems this itty bitty town DOES have a newspaper) They were reading the sports section, which surprised me. Somebody's ex was getting drafted onto a real football team and they were all excited for him since he came from this small town. Good reason to ooh and aah, yes. So, I decided to read the whole thing to find out how it all came about for this small town boy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I am reading along, having a nice trip, then my eyes hit a speed bump. Ugh, a miss use of the word 'to'. Okay, shake my head, deal and move on. My eyes hit another speed bump with the initials NfL. Yes, you saw it right. NfL. If you can't see anything wrong, we will just continue on. I find myself on the next paragraph, wondering when it will end...it runs on and on with no period....errrr. Another mistake, then another, and yet another. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a paid for newspaper, one where the writers are paid for their columns. This is a professional paper BUT even if it wasn't the thing is TYPED. What does that mean? If you are using the computer to put your paper together, and if you have ANY cheap, decent writing program, it IS going to tell you where the mistakes are for the most part. There should NOT be six mistakes in one short story. Even if the kid (I hope it's a young adult anyway) hurried and wrote this thing out on a type-writer, then his boss still has to read and approve. You don't run a newspaper without recognizing THIS many grammatical errors. (See that? I spelled 'grammatical' wrong and my computer told me to fix it! How can you honestly ignore that little red line!!!)~~~~~~~~~ No I am not a perfectionist, I make mistakes. I make them ALL OVER this blog. But when I proof read I find them. When I post them and read them again in different type, I find more. The point is that I FIND them and fix them. I was told I was nit picking by the ladies. It wasn't something they cared to listen to (and that may happen here too) but the only guy at work had a good view of the issue and a proposed solution. He suggested I highlight the mistakes and mail it back to them just so they know to be careful. But the ladies claimed he might have been having an 'off' day. So I compromised. I think I will watch for the paper and take a peek next time to see what they have to offer. It may just be this writer, and it may just be this article. So I will take my mothers advice. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "How long do you still have to live there Jen? Take my advice, don't rock the boat while you are still so far away from shore." Well said mother, well said. I don't want to get beat up by offended newspaper 'columnists' or angry editors. If there is an editor?

Bulge Battle

This past weekend I found out the battle of the bulge was actually a real battle, and not one pertaining to fat cells. That was just a side note, a bit of curiosity, maybe even something you can laugh at me for being so ignorant about. For me though, the Battle of the Bulge is daily, and it is a real battle too. My weapons have been my treadmill, walking the dog, frozen dinners the size of the palm of my hand, magic pills, and even a body wrap!! My enemies have been boredom, quitting smoking, stress of being a mother and wife, and of course junk food showing up in my house then into my mouth. It is a battle, and it is one that we have reached a stalemate on. I would not say I am losing, or the bulge is winning…not yet. I am sure someone walking down the street would have no problem making the judgment of loss but they don’t know where the war began as well as I do. But let me tell you about this secret weapon someone talked me into. I am not going to give the name of it so you don’t get suckered like I did, and so I don’t hurt the seller’s feelings. I am sure you guessed with that statement that the product was a nice idea but big FAIL. (It think the clue in for me should have been the lack of before and after pictures, but I just assumed she was just getting the site up and running as a new distributor and didn’t have more than the one picture-duh) So my dummy butt, desperate for help in that Middle Area, gets talked into calling her for more info. She even went as far as telling me it could help with quitting smoking, which was a selling point for me. Supposedly you put this wrap around your middle and leave it there for 45 min to 8 hours, as long as you can stand it. When you take it off, your middle has lost several inches and the stretch marks have become less visible. Well folks, I bought into the scam. I wanted that miracle that could do several things all at once! So I excitedly followed the directions on applying the wrap, taking measurements, grabbed my water, and sat around waiting for the miracle to happen. I lasted three hours, all the while drinking cup after cup of ice water and running to the bathroom every five minutes. I was smiling like ‘hooray, all these bathroom trips mean that I am getting rid of all the toxins!!!” (insert goofy grin and bouncing for joy here) Three hours later I excitedly took the wrap off, washed off all the chemicals, and took out the tape measure again. A GAIN OF ONE INCH!! What!? In a panic, I jump on the scale. A GAIN OF THREE POUNDS! I read all the instructions again, thinking maybe I flipped the wrap backwards so it worked backwards. Oh! A clause! Hooray! It said something like the toxins are causing your cells to swell and the inches WILL go down the more water you drink. Ugh, so that must be it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three days later, tons of water, it was finally time to see the results. My 72 hours of tox clean was up and what ever the results were today should be great. Hooray! I lost an inch!!! Hmmmm, but wait...I also lost 3 lbs.... Think about it Jen. You lost the inch and the pounds that you GAINED in just three hours of using the magic wrap. It took you THREE DAYS to get your body back to what it was just seconds BEFORE putting a wrap on your belly!!! So in the long run, you lost NOTHING. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Now I have a box of miracle wraps sitting under my sink. My hubby asked that I just assume that's how all first tries go, and try again like they recommend after 72 hours. I did, same result. I am STUCK with this crap. I have deleted the seller of the product off my page, I have deleted the product's company off my page. I have once again been suckered into the quick fixes all because of a desperate need to stand on the scale and in front of the mirror and LIKE what I see. Maybe it's not a new body I need. Maybe it's new eyeballs... Either way, I am still fighting the Bulge Battle on my own the good old fashioned way, exercise and eating right.

Extinct by Gangs

I love old houses. I love how unique they are and the materials that were used to make them so long ago. Brick is my favorite. And I love the houses in the old neighborhoods where the houses touch on both sides and the run of houses flow like a snake up and down the neighborhood hills. Then you realize, they are empty. The windows are boarded up, the cement steps are cracked and tilted, the upstairs windows are cracked or broken out completely. No one lives in them. Good solid walls, strong roofs, and no one lives there…WHY?! They went ‘extinct’ due to gang violence and low incomes. Gangs fought with each other to ‘claim’ the neighborhood without looking back to see what it was they were fighting for. The once green lawns so carefully tended by the gruff old men, the women who chatted from porch rail to porch rail, the kids jumping rope and coloring with chalk on the sidewalks at their neighbors door. All gone. People became afraid to go outside. Children were getting hurt or killed by stray bullets. Mothers went against mother because of the things their sons and daughters had done to each other. They neighborhood became a war zone, and people moved out. If it were still green, still friendly, still close, the recession would not have caused them to move from their cherished homes. They would have worked harder, longer, or worked more than one job, just to stay there. But why live in a place you fear? The Gang who set out to lay claim to their neighborhood wins. But what do they win? When the smoke clears, they wipe the sweat from their brow, smile and turn around…there is nothing left to own and they move on to the next neighborhood. They don’t feel bad about what they did, they don’t regret making happy families move, they don’t care about the battered old buildings left to crumble. They are satisfied about ‘winning’ and finally being able to claim the neighborhood as their own. So right now there is nothing to fear, the gangs are gone, except for an older member here or there now laying against the wall in a stupor. I wonder, if I was rich (which I am far from being), could I bring these homes back to life? Would anyone move in again and make it their own? Would the memory of what the Gangs took from this place be stronger than the dream of it coming alive again? So right now we let them sit, the only residents being the rats in the basement, the cats on the first floor and the pigeons in the attic. As for the humans, they have become extinct by gangs.

What moves Man?

I was having a discussion this morning with a very good conversationalist and an even better debater (if there is such a word), and it was nice to get the blood flowing again with different views being shared back and forth. I try to remember my stand in such cases that can get pretty rough for some, that it is “Just My Opinion” and I don’t have to be loud or upset to share my view. I rather enjoy listening as well. It gives me a respect for the other person’s view. We went on a few different directions, but there was something I got out of it at one point that I wanted to share, something that I was thinking about long after the discussion. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It is in our human nature to want to FIND the person that hurt or killed a child. It is in our nature to want to make that person PAY for what they did. The face of a child that suffered at the hands of another can set the entire human race into a frenzy. Some would like to say it is that way for all crimes/murders, but I don’t feel that is the case. Yes we have a sense of right or wrong and yes we think that person should pay in a crime on another adult, but not as strong as a defenseless CHILD. That stir’s feelings in us that sometimes become hard to control and easily create mobs of vengeance. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So what happens when a crime is committed BY youth? Defense attorneys will do all they can to show the public the weaker person, describe in detail their younger years, and make us view them as younger than they truly are…a defenseless child. Our hearts open to the image of an injured child. It’s in our nature. In some cases we MUST look past the play on words and look at the ‘child’ that really is. Look at the choices she made on her own, look at the decisions he chose to make, that got them in the place they are now. That face, that story, that image of being a child needs to be removed when needed so that a decision can be fairly made on discipline. When attempting to sway a jury to have pity they will use this ‘child’ image for not only them but the public as well. The public no longer wants to listen to the other side of the story, they want vengeance for that ‘child’. This isn’t what we discussed, it was much more in depth, this was the tip of a tiny iceberg. But this is certainly something that got my attention, and I am curious if anyone else see’s what I see…. Let me know.

Hi, I’m Fat, How are You?

Hi. My name is Jenny, and I am fat. Yes, I said it. I look in the mirror and wonder how my size 14 dress pants that used to flow along the hips and thighs now fit more like leggings. I have to decide whether or not to risk going to work in pants that may very well split before the day is through. Which will go first, the button or the zipper? I currently have four pair of jeans sitting on my couch with the copper zipper missing a tooth at the lowest point possible on the exact same spot for all pair. I thought it was a defect in the zipper (since they are all the same brand jean) but it turns out it is a defect in the WEARER. Time to come to terms with the fact that this once size 12 butt has grown past the emergency pants in size 14. NOW WHAT?! I don’t have many options, in fact, I don’t have ANY options. I followed some sick person’s advice (probably my own) and did not “give myself an excuse to get fat again by getting rid of my fat girl clothes”. Thank goodness I kept the next size up just because they were comfortable. Well I got bumped to those 14’s for a good while, and thought, “Okay, if I am here, this is a good place and maybe I can learn to live with it. I won’t be happy per say, but I can live with it.” Well, it’s been 16 days of not smoking now, and I was warned that quitting could cause weight gain. After one week of success, I didn’t think it would be a problem…my 14’s still fit comfortably, in fact I still needed a belt for them. Two weeks later, still no problem, although a belt is not a necessity any longer. On the 14th day (funny how that happened) my butt took the shape of the car seat in a three plus hour car ride! By the end of the trip I had gained 9 pounds and my ankles were swollen. I thought, don’t worry, it’s just water retention, you can fix this in no time. Two days later, my teeth practically floating and many dashes to the bathroom I have only lost 2 of the 9 I gained on that trip!!! ERRRR. I haven’t touched the treadmill since the first or second day of not smoking because I honestly tried to break it. Not kidding. (I found doing pop a wheelies on a treadmill is entirely possible if you are angry enough). I take a ‘magic pill’ that is supposed to help with mood AND losing weight…but I only get one benefit and that’s a better mood. Somewhat. I am not giving that up. It seems every time I check out the TV there is a commercial for Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers or Nutrisystem. They YELL at me!!! But how in the world can I be so selfish to take money from my family that we can’t really spare, just to eat controlled diet food?! I feel like Rumplestiltskin when he stomped his feet so hard in anger that the floor split open and gobbled him up. Sometimes I wish it would, especially when I have to wear ‘leggings’ to work in disguise as dress pants. Eeww. So, what do I do, really? Do I fall prey to the advertizing and look for a quick fix in premade meals? Do I buy a bigger size and pretend I am happy where I am, that I am just MEANT to be this way? Or do I give it one last shot the ‘old fashioned way’?! No more garbage, choose the foods that can be fuel for my body. Five small meals or 3 normal sizes, but stay in 1200 calories a day. Water. Drink LOTS of water. Thirty minutes of exercise a day, no excuses. (And this does not mean to count every step I normally take in a day and decide it’s exercise either. This means to get my butt back on the treadmill.) And how about those 8 hours of sleep that I used to have scheduled in? Yeah, I need those. Bed by 10pm and up at 6am is not unrealistic. I WAS doing these things. So what room really do I have to complain? I stopped doing the work, I gained, simple math really. I know, I know, it would be nice if I was one of those girls that didn’t have to work so hard at it. I’m not. That’s life. So, hello there. My name is Jenny, and I am still fat, but working on it.

Negative Nancy

I overheard someone talking about the fact that they were going to finish college. This was new to them, it was scary for them, but they had an idea and they were going toward it. They had the basic information, and were going about the scary financial aid. Then Negative Nancy shows up and casts a dark cloud over the excitement, talking about how hard it is going to be to pay off the loans. The College Bound adult had to explain themselves and their plan through that rain cloud Negative Nancy brought with them. Since the first try didn't work, Negative Nancy talks about how the classes that College Bound chose would not really do much for the chosen career. The problem is that Negative Nancy causes College Bound to second guess themselves. Not just on things like financial or specific classes, but just GOING to college. The people that are around know that for this particular case it is more that they fear College Bound succeeding and moving forward, because Negative Nancy will be left behind. Being negative, causing that doubt in another, is a form of control. So, Negative Nancy, if you like that control so much, please use it for GOOD. Control YOURSELF, push YOURSELF, force YOURSELF to try new things and go new places. Don’t hold someone back out of your own insecurities.

Valid Thoughts-Bad Timing

I have seen and been a part of several discussions that have turned into arguments, and it takes all I have as a natural mediator to calm both sides down. It’s not that I agree with one or the other, or even disagree for that matter, it’s just a matter of timing. Bad timing is when a discussion about the rights of fathers comes up when the person you are talking around /beside is going through a custody fight and has child support issues. Bad timing is talking about your child misbehaving and the attempts you have made to be a ‘good mother’ when the person you are talking around, their child has gone to jail for drunk driving. Or bringing up a political view point in a crowd of known argumentative people. Bringing up a religious view when a coworker is struggling through lent or another required suffrage. I have to admit though that I have certainly gone into one of those high stress rooms and blurted out a comment that got them going. Lucky for me, I didn’t have to stay there. J I know, evil. I have also enjoyed a piece of chocolate around someone that had sworn to give it up…another seriously evil thing to have done on my part. But when it comes to personal hurt, personal suffering for someone or their family, it just takes that tiny bit of knowledge or common sense to watch what discussion you get into. If you don’t realize at the time, and they react more with feeling than with thought, then be understanding and back down carefully. This does not mean that you are WRONG in what you think, it does not mean you can not have this discussion later, it just means that they are not hearing you with their heads. They are hearing you with their hearts and it hurts. That moment it is not about you sharing your opinion, it is about giving them the space they need to handle their own issue, and taking the topic to a friendlier area or waiting until a later date. Don’t talk about why a certain religion or religious holiday doesn’t make sense to you ON THAT HOLIDAY. Wait until it’s over. Then feel free. (Honestly, I love the fact that one person can spout out about how other religion is wrong…but they don’t practice the religion they claim to be a part of. Honestly, what say do you have?) So, it’s not that you don’t have a valid point, one that someone would love to debate with you on…it’s just a matter of timing and how to bow out without making others think you changed your view. I don’t mind being a mediator but I would MUCH rather enjoy the debate with two understanding and friendly parties.

Know-It-All?

If you are a know it all, no one wants to know. Trust me. We really don’t. If we are struggling with an issue, it is our ‘task’ or our ‘challenge’ to learn how to get through it. Of course you can come up while we are in the middle of our own mystery, and put in your two cents, but honestly we WANT and NEED to figure it out. While our brains are processing our next step, as well as all possibilities in the end result, we can NOT have you come and start over our process. Yes, you may be right. But it’s human nature to want to ‘see what happens’ with our own way of doing things. Now, if it’s immoral or illegal, yeah, jump right in and stop the process…~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AND just because, Mr. Know It All, you know for a fact based on experience, that your idea does certainly work…you do NOT know that my idea will fail. There are many ways of doing things, and you found one. Now let me find another, or slowly come around to your way ON MY OWN. Who knows, maybe my way will be surprisingly easier or more efficient. Yes you KNOW, but you don’t KNOW it ALL.

Non SMOKER

I haven't been on my blog for a good while because I have decided to stop smoking. Since I don't do well with medications, I am doing this cold turkey. It has been 10 days now. My issue is the negativity that I seem to share. I don't like it. I am not normally a negative person. Yeah I have my issues but they usually pass pretty quick. This time I can get mad at something small, and I explode. My first couple of days I was trying to break things. It was uncontrollable, that rage. It's gotten bearable. I still want one, I still crave it. Someone said nicotine goes out of the system in 72 hours, so even though that 72 hours has passed I am still waiting for that relief I am supposed to feel. Habits take 21 days to change, so I clean instead of smoke...I guess the husband and kids will like that more than I do. I haven't been able to sit and read, lounge in a tub, none of the peaceful calming things I used to do. I have to move. I have to keep doing SOMEthing so that I don't pick up a cig. I keep this on my grill out on the back deck....

It's been rained on, burnt dry by the sun and gotten nasty beyond smoking. But I keep it there. If I ever want a cigarette bad enough from this point forward, it will have to be THAT one. Disgusting. Eventually my attitude will improve as well, and my blogs will begin again. I want my old self back just as bad as you do. Actually, I want the new IMPROVED me. :)