The TRUTH About Being a QUITTER

As of April 1st, in an attempt to stop being a fool, I decided just like that to quit smoking. Cold turkey. Let me clarify that cold turkey was not a CHOICE I made either…it was my only option. I happen to be allergic to meds in the same group as the ones that will help me cope on quitting…so no help there. Just a wing and a prayer. I would like to share that I kept that emergency cigarette on the back porch through rain and shine until I completely forgot about it. I guess I would compare it to a pacifier or a child’s favorite blanket. I needed to know it was there ‘just in case’. I will say, after that first 7 days of struggle, and it WAS a struggle, I kept thinking of excuses on why I should give up, or how one puff would not hurt. Then I would go back and beat myself up saying “YOU WENT THROUGH HELL FOR 7 DAYS, WHY START OVER!?” and that would stop me for another day. Sit down, and lets have a convo about how this QUITTING really is. It sucks, in every way possible, it sucks. The first week was me scrambling around my house thinking of NOTHING but NOT smoking and cleaning everything I could get my hands on. When I wasn’t cleaning or when cleaning just wasn’t enough to stop the pull deep in my soul, I would get out of control furious. It was like a fire ball in my chest that got bigger and bigger until I was screaming and banging things. I was running one day and running was not lessening the anger, so I ran harder and faster, but still no change. My anger kept growing faster than I could run it out so I grabbed the bars on the treadmill and lifted that sucker into the air and slammed it on the ground WITH ME ON IT. Twice. The uncontrolled anger won that time and many other times. I had just enough sense to stay away from my kids and pets, thank you very much. They all knew the deal too but they wanted this MORE than I did. So there was about 3 weeks of this bad mood, of which I was aware it was only spurts but everyone now tells me was constant. Well, it finally goes down to where I can manage it, still being snippy at times and less able to be patient around stupidity. A couple days of ‘normal’, and I start sinking. It really feels that way. You just wake up one day and look in the mirror. Before, you were in a rush to handle your business so you had time for a smoke, but after…no reason to rush. Plenty of time to stare at everything ‘wrong’ about you. The world gets pretty heavy, slow, saggy…I can’t even describe it really. Physically, that’s what it felt like. Mentally I was not wanting to think about the next day, what bills needed paid, and I rarely paid attention to who had what homework and if the chores were done. I just didn’t care. I could see them playing, or arguing, or needing attention, but unless someone was hurt I was not blinking an eye. Honestly, all I wanted to do was sleep and be left alone. NOT GOOD FOR A BUSY MOM!!! NOT GOOD! I cried all the time for nothing, and I never bothered to talk to my husband. He should have been my support, but I just didn’t want to be bothered with being told to “feel better”. I know NOW he wouldn’t have done that, but in the shadows that I was in, I thought he would just be another person patting my on the back. I could not even tell him what I needed, which would confuse him and make him feel inadequate when he was already taking over all the things I was supposed to be doing at home. Seeing someone else do my job didn’t pull me out of my funk, it made me feel that I wasn’t needed, that life could go on without me. I was in a pretty sorry state. I tried to talk about it and I got a lot of support that I myself would give if I was reading it from someone else. (mostly anyway) I wanted it to work, I wanted to believe what they said, I wanted to feel better, and I wanted to be able to say ‘thank you’ for them being there. Instead, I shut off the computer. I shut everyone out, then I got my focus. I slowly pulled myself out of a hole, little by little, day by day. I kept the focus on me, with no distractions, and kept telling myself to keep going. I had NO IDEA all of this was from quitting smoking. All I wanted was for it to end, to be able to do the things I was doing before. This is NOT something that was explained to me as a side effect of quitting, so I am seriously putting that out there for you. Not kidding. It sucked worse than the anger. I was prepared for the anger. Granted, not to the extent it went at times, but I knew it was from quitting and it would pass. I coped. The depression, that was never expected and very difficult for me to deal with. After that cloud moved on (about 3 more weeks of it!) I was all silly happy again! I SHOULDN’T be with all the WEIGHT I gained, but I do indeed feel better. I might have gained the 30 it took a year to lose, but my happy is back. We all know that weight gain is a side effect of quitting, so I am prepared for that as well. I know it will happen, I have clothes for that purpose, and I have to work harder to fix the problem. I laugh about it, I poke fun at myself and my ‘chubby pants’, and I take my rear to the pool EVERY DAY to swim for two hours. That is a win/win situation for me and the kids. Our moods are better, we get plenty of sun and time together, and I am still NOT SMOKING! So, that’s the truth. Don’t just read a pamphlet about quitting, talk to real people and ask for the serious low down about it all. PLEASE don’t continue smoking out of fear, just use the knowledge to go into this prepared. And being prepared is what helped me with two out of three difficult steps. Good luck!