Marriology

There is some dispute on how “Happily Ever After” is supposed to work. Granted, I haven’t gotten too far into my “After” just yet, but I am lucky enough to be around parents and grandparents that have made it 40 and more years, even going into the great beyond together. I am probably not the best one to be writing this either, since I am on my second “After”, both getting as far as the 8th year… so feel free to correct me. I welcome the information for after the 10th year mark. If you disagree, then you are a little more perfect than the rest of us. Feel free to bask in the glow, and try not to think of when the other shoe will drop. J 1) If you get in the shower, always always bring in your own supplies. Never assume the towel you just draped there this morning will be there when you reach blindly out of the shower curtain. It won’t be. Your spouse has used it to wipe toothpaste off of his mouth, or to lay on the floor under his wet feet while he combs his hair and looks at this or that muscle. It is your job to provide the towels for him and THEN for yourself as well. (Honestly, who is going to fetch a towel when he bellows? He certainly doesn’t see the sense in getting out of a warm shower to breeze naked to the linen closet and freeze off his buns. But if YOU bellow, he ‘won’t hear you’ and you have to make the run just to be able to get OUT of the shower the same day.) 2) Speaking of that towel, it often wanders too. After you have frozen off your buns to fetch another towel, dried off, dressed and replaced it neatly for the hubby’s next use… you walk into your bedroom to find a nice wet towel draped on YOUR side of the bed. You now have two options: Sleep on his side of the bed that night or toss the towel on HIS side so he gets the same pleasure trying to sleep as you. J 3) IF your honey does chores, he will do that chore better than you. Not just better than you, but better than you ever dreamed and you have NO HOPE of ever doing it like he does. He will remind you of this as he does it oh-so-perfectly, and it is your job to praise him and confirm his proclamations. Your biggest mistake will be to argue his points or try to prove him wrong by actually DOING this chore yourself. Don’t do it. That is part of the game and YOU lose. The chore then becomes yours, and you will NOT get the praise for doing it as he received. You will also never be able to give it back or try to undo the damage. There are no takesies backsies. 4) If he is a mama’s boy, never EVER talk bad about his mom. Find a girlfriend to do this with. That little irritation you had because she commented on your cherry pie is just a little crack in the sidewalk when talking to your friends. It will turn into a hand grenade if you attempt to share your feelings with your spouse. If the MIL doesn’t like you, she will make sure you make this mistake often. I would advise that you not take them all to heart, work on going over those speed bumps and find out what it is that your hubby loves so much about her. If you choose to fight for his love against her, you will lose by how ever many years old your husband happens to be. Find a pillow to scream in then continue your quest to become the best daughter in law ever. How long can she resist your charms anyway? 5) Don’t comment on his clothing. He will remind you that you noticed him, dated him, married him in those clothes. He will be right. He doesn’t understand that styles change, or that you have a keen eye for what would look better on him to hide the faults he can’t see. Just buy the item you want to see on him. If it is a new item of clothing, you must hide his favorites ‘in the laundry’ first. Then when he grudgingly puts them on, you can moony eye him and dote on him to prove to him how good he looks. He MAY believe you, but there are ways to seal the deal that only a wife knows. He will look forward to putting on that item the next time. Do this the same way with shoes, hair styles, etc. Not sure if it works with a car yet… 6) Don’t nag. Please don’t. If you nag or yell more than once a day, you have slowly built filters in his ears. (and everyone else around you when you do this) There is a way to be heard when you need to be heard. Actually, there are several. (The towel on the bed trick is an example) Think strategically. Ask once with a smile, and get a response that is more than just him looking at you. After you get the response, give a kiss and walk away perfectly confident that you were heard and understood, and that what you asked will be done. It could be putting the tweezers away that sit on your shelf full of family photo’s. The next day, if they are still there, just put them away. J This will confuse him up more than anything. HE knows you asked HIM to put it away, but HE knows he did NOT put the item away, which mean it MUST be there somewhere and he is just overlooking it. His only choice will be for him to ask you for it, which you reply “you put it away yesterday, remember?”, or to continue looking for it just so he doesn’t have to admit to not doing as you so kindly asked. Either way, you continue about your business, only glancing at him once or twice without trying to burst out laughing. And when it comes to bigger things, the worst thing you can do is attempt to do what you asked of him YOURSELF. Flounder, be clumsy, try not to do much damage to yourself or the item but make it look like it will happen any moment. Make sure your theatrics are done where he can see. Moan, groan and say ‘uh-oh’ a lot. A man will want to ‘fix it’ and hopefully before it CAN’T be fixed! Pick your battles because if you do this too much he will surely catch on. 7) There IS a way to get your hubby to help with the school age kids and homework. Simply tell the kiddo’s to go see Daddy (within ear shot of Daddy) “since he is the BEST at this kind of work and if it wasn’t for him even I would be lost!” This means that Dad is now Superman in the child's eyes, and saying he doesn't have time shows weakness (his kids will think he is not really busy, just that he doesn't know the answers, and Dad CAN'T let that happen) So smile and drink your coffee while Daddy struggles through Math. (Or the dreaded science projects~shudder.) Okay, there are many (many many many) more ways to deal with things in a marriage, things you will run into, things you will have to struggle through in your Happily Ever After...but if you have fun with it and get creative it is entirely possible that you could be one that goes to the Great Beyond with your love at your side. I am still working on mine, but like I said before, I have great examples so this list will be updated as the years go by. Excuse me, I have to ask the husband about that front porch light getting replaced...