Monday, April 22, 2013

Broken Bird

I remember words from a friend several years ago, ones that seem to stick with me when I see a relationship end.  Good or Bad ending, his words still come to mind.
He said once, “It seems I am always the one that finds the broken birds.  I spend time and care, I nurse them back to health, and they fly away.  It’s not fair.  I wish once, just once, I could get one that isn’t broken and will want to stay.” 
He’s right.  It isn’t fair.  And what is worse, is that he had the spirit, the personal nature that wanted to give that love and care to a person on a daily basis.  That’s why the broken birds were drawn to him.  He was able to meet their needs.  No matter how grateful, how loving, when they were healed they had the strong need to move on.  They no longer fit in that type of relationship.

Let me see if I can explain, since I was here once myself as this broken bird.

You think you have endured.  That after everything has gone wrong and you have righted it all, you are now on your two feet and stronger than before.  I thought I was.  I got rid of baggage that was LONG overdue, at least by a couple years.  It felt great and scary at the same time.  After a while of independence, I found myself nicely dating again.  I felt safe, protected, and I hadn’t felt that in so long that I snuggled in and got comfortable.  Well, great things began to happen in that sheltered existence.  Wounds I didn’t know I had started to heal.  I could look in the mirror and feel pretty.  I could smile and laugh at everything and nothing.  My thoughts had value, and were listened to with interest.  I didn’t fear confrontation and I learned how to discuss things without expecting an argument or fight.  I believed in myself, my actions, and my future.  The wound under his band-aid had healed, and I didn’t even know there was one.

I was pushing away.  I was feeling smothered.  I felt buried and I wanted to be free.  He was still kind, still giving, but it wasn’t what I needed anymore.  I needed to stretch out.  I felt bad that he would suffer, and I knew I would suffer as well.  I loved him, truly I did, and would never forget.  But it was the kind of love that bird has for a healer…it was gratitude, strong and loving gratitude.

He knew what was coming.  I was going to push against the restraints, but afraid to hurt him by actually breaking free.  I suffered, and so did he.  He set me down one day, explained this concept to me, and told me it was time to leave.  Suddenly the fear of being let go frightened me beyond belief.  I was going to have to make it without his safety, his protection, and I suddenly screamed for his continued security.
Like a band-aid being ripped off, it stung.  But given a while, I was glad to have it off.  It was still sore for a while, but the wound itself slowly faded. 

It wasn’t fair to him.  It was another person he had to push away for their own good.  Another person that didn’t come to him unbroken.  One he had to work on to make whole again, but one he couldn’t keep.  He spent countless hours of his time, energy and love, and had nothing to show for it.  He had to start over.  And it ISN’T fair. 

Each one of us that have a missing piece should take the time to fix it or fill it before moving toward other relationship.  I know, your question is ‘how do we know?’  Well, go figure.  If you just had a bunch of issues with a relationship you got out of, there are bound to be wounds.  There should be a mandatory 6 months or more wait and self reflecting before trying it all again.  I didn’t listen to a very wise man I shall call ‘father’ who stated that I would get in the same mess if I didn’t give it time.  Well, thank goodness I found this guy instead.  It is terrible to say, but he is typically known as
THE REBOUND
Terrible, just terrible.  Oh it hurts to even think of it that way.  There are so many that WANT to be the rebound.  Ones that PREY on the relationship wounded and weak.  Usually this is okay, because the Rebound still does the job of helping the person move on.  Sometimes they cause further issues, but they are usually easy to forget. 
Well, Rebounds that don’t INTEND to be the rebound find themselves in relationships after relationships that seem to end quietly without any bad feeling between either person.  No, they are not easily forgotten, but they are not remembered as they would like to be.  They want their own.  They want someone that is just for them, and over time, they grow wounds that need healing as well.
In the end, these Rebounds in fact, turn into the Broken Bird.



Tuesday, April 9, 2013

One Addiction for Another

When I decided to stop smoking, April 1 2012, I was a content and happy weight.  I was wearing the clothes I had boxed away for years, and was having fun shopping as well.
Then I stopped smoking.  Everyone warned me that I would gain weight, and I thought I watched it pretty well…at first.
Then anger, depression, anxiety all kicked in.  One, then the other then another.  It got to where I could not see which end was up most days and just wanted to make it through without snapping.
I can’t say I got bored.  I never really did.  Life got busy and harder.  I no longer took those breaks that I used to, and that is how I coped with life.  Now I was filling them with worry and anxious thoughts.  Food went in my mouth because it was supposed to, but it was whatever was around and quick.  I didn’t eat a lot, and sometimes I would go to bed with only picking at this or that daily.  I can guarantee it was never GOOD and HEALTHY food that went into my body those months. 
I gained weight.  Of course I did.  With all the stress I already had, becoming fat made things unbearable.   I won’t go into detail here, but I will say that I got help finally.  I finally got off that dangerous ride and was able to stop and think logically again.
For the first time in months, I looked down at the chicken nuggets I was eating.  McD’s.  I didn’t even want the nuggets, I wanted the Buffalo sauce!  Yes, that’s right.  I could dip chocolate in that stuff and would have been happy.  When I was normally taking a smoke break, I was thinking of that darn Buffalo sauce instead.  I would get the little kids meal and dip those nuggets over and over in big dripping dunks. 
My addiction to the cigarettes might have gone, but the addiction had been replaced by this Buffalo dipping sauce.  I had come to terms with it.  Once I did, that sauce suddenly tasted like melted plastic.  I even got a nugget that wasn’t fully cooked!  That was the last time I touched it.  The food at McD’s now tears my stomach up.  I have tested the theory twice, and that was enough to prove me right and not touch it again.  NO food from there at all.
Notice I said no FOOD.  My new addiction came shortly after.  The Chocolate Chip Frappe.  I tried one out of curiosity.  It was good.  A kick of coffee and a happy little surprise with each sip.  CHOCOLATE CHIPS!  Now how can any sane person resist?!  I craved them.  I would choose one of those frappe’s rather than have breakfast in the morning.  I excused it by calculating the calories.  If I didn’t eat breakfast, I could afford the calories in the shake.  I would even give myself a few more minutes in the morning so I would have time to go through the drive up.  So what excuse was there in the afternoon on the way home?  How about that my day was only half done and I was going to need something to keep me going?  That’s what I tell myself. 
Just because I am writing about it right now, doesn’t mean it is over.  Just because I acknowledge it, doesn’t mean the problem doesn’t still exist.  I have cut down.  Seriously cut down actually.  I have one every few days as a treat.  I think my last one was two days ago?  I can’t be sure.  But that’s how I know it is no longer an addiction.  I don’t NEED them.  I no longer crave them and make sure I have time and money to fill that craving.  Just like I used to with cigarettes.
I used to smoke after eating.  No problem after breakfast, or lunch, but after dinner was VERY hard for me.  Breakfast was quiet, all the kids were gone, so I could find other ways to cope.  (FB)  Lunch was at work, and that was usually whatever I could get in my mouth around people needing help.  I had to fight for my ten minute smoke break back in the day, so not getting one now was no longer an issue.  I didn’t have time, so I didn’t have a problem there either.  After dinner, when the kids are running around and having to be yelled at for not doing chores, that’s when I got in my freezer and grab chocolate.
A big bar of chocolate.  I buy them in bulk.  Not kidding.  They can sit in my freezer for months without being touched.  But they can all go in a week depending on how much is going on.  That chocolate bar is my after dinner cigarette.  Some days I can go without it, some days not.  Another addiction to replace the one I had.  I know it, I acknowledge it.  I try my best every day not to give in.  Do I stop buying them?  No.  I want them there, sitting in my freezer, like a security blanket.
So…Kudos to me for breaking the cig habit!  I am proud of that.  Being fat is the consequence to all the other health issues I could have instead. 
I am sure I will get life a little calmer, eventually.
I am sure I will break those little habits, eventually.
I am sure that one day I will no longer be replacing cigarettes with other addictions…
Eventually.