One Addiction for Another

When I decided to stop smoking, April 1 2012, I was a content and happy weight.  I was wearing the clothes I had boxed away for years, and was having fun shopping as well.
Then I stopped smoking.  Everyone warned me that I would gain weight, and I thought I watched it pretty well…at first.

Then anger, depression, anxiety all kicked in.  One, then the other then another.  It got to where I could not see which end was up most days and just wanted to make it through without snapping.

I can’t say I got bored.  I never really did.  Life got busy and harder.  I no longer took those breaks that I used to, and that is how I coped with life.  Now I was filling them with worry and anxious thoughts.  Food went in my mouth because it was supposed to, but it was whatever was around and quick.  I didn’t eat a lot, and sometimes I would go to bed with only picking at this or that daily.  I can guarantee it was never GOOD and HEALTHY food that went into my body those months. 
I gained weight.  Of course I did.  With all the stress I already had, becoming fat made things unbearable.   I won’t go into detail here, but I will say that I got help finally.  I finally got off that dangerous ride and was able to stop and think logically again.

For the first time in months, I looked down at the chicken nuggets I was eating.  McD’s.  I didn’t even want the nuggets, I wanted the Buffalo sauce!  Yes, that’s right.  I could dip chocolate in that stuff and would have been happy.  When I was normally taking a smoke break, I was thinking of that darn Buffalo sauce instead.  I would get the little kids meal and dip those nuggets over and over in big dripping dunks. 

My addiction to the cigarettes might have gone, but the addiction had been replaced by this Buffalo dipping sauce.  I had come to terms with it.  Once I did, that sauce suddenly tasted like melted plastic.  I even got a nugget that wasn’t fully cooked!  That was the last time I touched it.  The food at McD’s now tears my stomach up.  I have tested the theory twice, and that was enough to prove me right and not touch it again.  NO food from there at all.

Notice I said no FOOD.  My new addiction came shortly after.  The Chocolate Chip Frappe.  I tried one out of curiosity.  It was good.  A kick of coffee and a happy little surprise with each sip.  CHOCOLATE CHIPS!  Now how can any sane person resist?!  I craved them.  I would choose one of those frappe’s rather than have breakfast in the morning.  I excused it by calculating the calories.  If I didn’t eat breakfast, I could afford the calories in the shake.  I would even give myself a few more minutes in the morning so I would have time to go through the drive up.  So what excuse was there in the afternoon on the way home?  How about that my day was only half done and I was going to need something to keep me going?  That’s what I tell myself. 
Just because I am writing about it right now, doesn’t mean it is over.  Just because I acknowledge it, doesn’t mean the problem doesn’t still exist.  I have cut down.  Seriously cut down actually.  I have one every few days as a treat.  I think my last one was two days ago?  I can’t be sure.  But that’s how I know it is no longer an addiction.  I don’t NEED them.  I no longer crave them and make sure I have time and money to fill that craving.  Just like I used to with cigarettes.
I used to smoke after eating.  No problem after breakfast, or lunch, but after dinner was VERY hard for me.  Breakfast was quiet, all the kids were gone, so I could find other ways to cope.  (FB)  Lunch was at work, and that was usually whatever I could get in my mouth around people needing help.  I had to fight for my ten minute smoke break back in the day, so not getting one now was no longer an issue.  I didn’t have time, so I didn’t have a problem there either.  After dinner, when the kids are running around and having to be yelled at for not doing chores, that’s when I got in my freezer and grab chocolate.

A big bar of chocolate.  I buy them in bulk.  Not kidding.  They can sit in my freezer for months without being touched.  But they can all go in a week depending on how much is going on.  That chocolate bar is my after dinner cigarette.  Some days I can go without it, some days not.  Another addiction to replace the one I had.  I know it, I acknowledge it.  I try my best every day not to give in.  Do I stop buying them?  No.  I want them there, sitting in my freezer, like a security blanket.
So…Kudos to me for breaking the cig habit!  I am proud of that.  Being fat is the consequence to all the other health issues I could have instead. 
I am sure I will get life a little calmer, eventually.

I am sure I will break those little habits, eventually.

I am sure that one day I will no longer be replacing cigarettes with other addictions…

Eventually.