Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Responsible Party?

We sign a bunch of forms in the beginning of the school year.  One form happens to be allowing your child to use the computer and access the internet.  The school has a LOT of stipulations on that paper, including what email accounts your child can use.  It also states that they will be monitored.  You know your child  needs to research things for projects, and it's not like you are just letting them in a room to play around because it says right there that certain sites are locked out of their use AND the teacher will be there doing what you would normally do at home.  So HOW IS IT that a child can find pictures of the opposite sex they find attractive, copy and past up to 10 on a page, print up to four pages of this type off using the school printer right there in the room, then find time to write love notes all over it....ALL DURING CLASS HOURS.  Okay, so slap a kid on the hand..."Do not do this during school hours."  Otherwise the research and comments are normal for their age.  So what happens when the teacher finds the FINISHED product and takes it to the parent saying "this is what your kid did all computer lab!"  Who should you really get upset at when they bring it to your attention.  One of my thoughts was "glad to know my child is normal!  Whew!", next was "what a waste of school time" and the third and most irritating was "you are complaining to me about how my child used their time?  WHERE WERE YOU!?"  Research, copy paste 4 pages, print, write.  That is a LOT of time for no one to notice the child was NOT on task, don't you think?  So who was it REALLY that was not on task?  Sorry, in this case, it is in fact the teacher.  And if you had paid attention to your emails from a week before Mr Teacher, you would know that this child has a learning difficulty, they don't understand what you are teaching, they get bored, they do other things.  If you would address this situation first, the child would get excited about learning and would be using the computer for REAL work rather than something to pass the time.  But again, it comes down to you, Mr. Teacher to doing your job.  We parents can't come to school and do it for you, so we keep you informed, we give you options, we tell you our concerns, we sign your stupid paperwork.  YOU have to do the rest.  You are not a glorified babysitter, you are a TEACHer.  So, if you can't do it, your school has the programs and the people that can.  All you have to do is take the ball the parent got rolling for you, and keep it ROLLING.  Don't waste the parents time but showing us things the kid did while you were wasting THEIR time.  Stupid move on your part.  So yes, I will talk to my child, let them know that being curious is completely normal, but not during school hours.  Better?  I did my part.  Now go back to your computer, find the emails I have sent you for weeks now, and get going on finding a way to teach my child that they will understand.  Otherwise I will be coming to sit in your class and write down all the things you do during the school day that wastes my child's and my time.  (Still wondering what you were doing, Mr. Teacher, during that computer lab?  A half hour worth of copy,paste,and print, and you really never noticed?  What were YOU doing?!  How about adding your report to the one you gave me for my kid.)

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Old Fashioned BIG GUNS

When do you pull out the 'big guns' when needing discipline for your kids? Do you do the June Cleaver and warn "wait until your father comes home!" I know many women think it's old fashioned, that we are giving the power to the fathers and causing grief for ourselves by making him the primary disciplinarian. Well, in my home, we use this. I am home with my children more than my husband is, where he see's them about a 1/2 hour to 3 hours a night if at all. This puts me in the position of having to do all the discipline myself most of the time. I have to keep them on schedule, remind them of chores, get them where they need to be ready and on time...so it's ME that usually gets the attitude and unfinished chores. I have to handle it. No one else is there to do it. It is MY responsibility to handle it 95% of the time. But there are those occasions that enough is enough, that they have rolled right over me and I feel like I am losing every battle. So, YES, I call in the big guns.~~~~~~~I actually give him the problem and walk away. Not fair? Maybe not. But it works. It's not like they haven't been warned. Both their father and them were told that I was washing my hands of it. Not just that, but the children are given multiple warnings before it gets to the 'Big Gun' point. They know it's coming, they have a chance to fix the issue. They can choose. Most times they think I won't bother dad with such trivial stuff after a hard day of work, and sometimes they are right. Ha ha ha, I have to smile. I do this on purpose. They think they have leverage because I don't always 'tell' on them, but it's ME that has the leverage. SURPRISE! You never know when that will be. I might change my mind at the last second BUT I may not. You never know until he walks in the door and calls your name. I choose when to bring out that weapon, not them. My husband likes this deal. He has heard that it makes the father look mean to his kids if he is only called in to fix the damage. But not so. He gets to play and laze around with them, he doesn't have to fix the small stuff. When I call him, he does his thing, the wrinkles are ironed out and he goes back to the way things were. He is HAPPY with this arrangement. He can't handle all the day to day irritations, he leaves that to the more patient one, me. So, does this arrangement cause the kids to see their dad as a bully, a parent that is above the other? Not hardly. The kids see me and hear me daily show them how life works. Only when they have gone past a point do they get their dad. But the time they have reached that point, they know he's coming. ~~~~~~~~~It was the same way in my house when I was young. My mom had to deal with our problems constantly, so she looked like the mean one always nagging and scolding, but my dad laughed and played. But oh my gosh when my mom called in my dad, we went running!!! We KNEW he wasn't there to play when he called our name, and we always knew WHY he was calling us in. We weren't dumb, we knew he loved us, and we knew why we were getting punished. We pushed mama too far, past the point of her scolding and nagging and we were IN FOR IT. Old fashioned or not, calling in the BIG GUNS worked then and it works now for my family.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Future of...Me?

With my husband having the job he does, I have 14 hours on my own to think-8 to sleep-and 2 with him listening to his day and trying to catch up on kid happenings. Fourteen hours to think does not always end up good. As I am going around the house picking up the clothes and dishes from the morning rush, then caring for the two dogs under my feet, I look at myself a little two hard. I think about little things like "maybe I should be on the treadmill, but then I would leave all this stuff undone" to big things like "I have a small job and love my ladies there, but shouldn't I be doing more?" This morning I had that conversation with myself, about getting a full time job...actually getting active about it. I am nearing forty years old and I don't have a 'career' or something fulfilling that I actually get paid for. Something I am proud of at the end of the day and can say I accomplished something. Am I running out of time? Will anyone hire someone my age with no college? Have I missed my chance? My chance at what? What am I good at that would do some good in this world? What are my skills that would be useful to someone else? Did I have them and lose them? Are they not discover yet? How do I go about discovering them? And on and on and on....~~~~~~~~Then my teenagers told me today was the last day to buy tickets for a dance I had just heard about this moment. I hurried up and got dressed for work, put the dogs in the pens with food, ran out the house to an ATM, ran into the school to pay for the tickets (which my son ended up buying double of) and get my tail to work. At work I get emails about my littlest son. My son has special needs and his teacher had to ask for extra assistance today to help him. I sit through my part time job with very little to do but twirl my thumbs and think about all the things undone at home and my poor dogs being locked up an hour longer than usual in my rush out of the house. As soon as the clock says my boredom for the day is over, I rush to a school conference for my littlest to try to see how I can help him adjust. I become overwhelmed at how hard he has to struggle and how limited I am as his mother to help. With the extra burden of guilt I rush home to take a remaining child head count (1-2-3 teens accounted for) and dinner complete before they rush off to church youth night. In the mean time teen #2 has a broken phone that the service company said would be fixed 48 hours ago, so while on call with them I am looking for teen #3 in the neighborhood. After getting the phone fixed with only a little patience left, the little one with the rough day says he just wants to swing. Well, swinging is good for the soul so mama could use it too. Still looking for teen #3 we go to the park for a moment. It's now six pm and teen #3 decides to come home to my yelling while he feeds his neglected dogs and I force him to sit down and eat dinner. Little one won't eat, not new, give him a vitamin shake, problem solved, but guilt rises. Onto cleaning the kitchen while getting the little one in the tub but keeping the dogs OUT of the tub, which I failed at all two out of three. My youngest didn't mind sharing a bath. Sigh.~~~~~~~~ So now that the littlest is asleep and teen #3 is on his way, and I wait for teen #1 & #2, I try to think of my original questions. Well, I got my answer.~~~~~ What is my future? WHO CARES!!!! I have more to do as a mother and a wife and for myself personally that a frigging career can WAIT!!! I am doing what God sent me to do. I am trying my hardest to be productive in my HOME, to send the finished product of my CHILDREN out into the world, where THEY will make a difference. I am supporting my husband who DOES make a difference, who brings home the bacon, and lends me an ear and support when he can. How can I not be proud of what I do at the end of the day? I DID accomplish something!! I don't need a boss, I AM the boss. I might not be GREAT at this job but I am GOOD at it. I use my skills every day, I discover them daily, and I got my chance when God gave me my husband and children. I don't need strangers or a huge paycheck to be WORTH something. My future is....RIGHT NOW, DAY TO DAY, and living every single moment to the fullest. And it's mine. It is ME.

Screaming Again?

Do you ever get irritated at that kid in Walmart that is screaming and throwing a tantrum because he/she didn't get what they wanted or something didn't go as planned? You shake your head, think all these bad thoughts about the parents, and cover your ears as you walk away. Now imagine a grown up in their place...Funny huh?~~~~~~~~~~~~ We do the same thing, we shake our head and walk away in embarrassment. They didn't get what they want or something didn't go as planned and they have a break down right there in front of everyone. Mostly in a reaction against the kids. Why is it not okay for a CHILD, one who is still learning how to control their behavior, but we make it okay for the adults?~~~~~~~~~~~ It's not an exact quote but Hall Runkel remarked "Your child can not just learn to control their own feelings and behavior when they are getting screamed at, they must first control YOUR feelings and behavior and THEN their own." How is that fair? We want them to do as they are told, even if they don't agree or if it upsets them. That is something they have to learn to live with and work around, all while controlling outbursts they REALLY want to have. While we set these standards on our kids, we don't set the same standard for ourselves. How can you really be surprised if your child feels it is okay to scream and fuss at someone? It's what they know, it's what you showed is okay, and it is something they WILL DO until they are shown another way. ~~~~~~~~~~ So why do you have different standards for yourself? Because you are an adult and have the 'right' to do what you want? You are probably right, in a way. But you were given the job as a teacher, and if you think this is right for you, then you are teaching that it is right for your child. Anywhere. Anytime. If you can erupt, you best believe they can too. If you think it is embarrassing for your child to behave in this manner in a public place, imagine how your child feels for you to lose that control as well. How embarrassing.~~~~~~~~~~ This morning I lost my temper. I wanted to dump a bowl of cereal over my child's head. Seriously I did. So I shrunk myself to child size to see if that childish behavior could be accepted. Nope. Didn't work. But that image of myself as a child sure did. I calmed myself real quick and left the room rather than yell and scream. If he can't control his own feelings, how is he supposed to take on the added responsibility of controlling mine? So when you catch yourself screaming again about something, imagine what your mama would do to you if you were a kid!

Monday, February 20, 2012

Broken Bird

Comment of a friend of mine, a male. "I always seem to get the broken birds, and when I get them all patched up, they fly away. No more broken birds for me." This was said over seven years ago, and he has found himself two more broken birds since then. I guess he is just the old fashioned type, where he feels it is his duty to protect us women. I asked if he thought we were less 'tough' in life than the males and his reply was 'you are supposed to be.' I guess that doesn't really answer my question, but his honesty doesn't make me think any less of him. For him, this is a true statement. He feels that opening doors, changing tires, plowing snow, even yelling at sales men is his DUTY as a male. He says his mother was hurt, and he took care of her himself from a very young age, as well as protected his sisters as he grew up. He didn't have a father, and he had no other brothers, so he grew up learning this on his own. I was his broken bird, although when he said so at the time, I got REALLY angry. Surprisingly, it was at the time we were going our separate ways peacefully. I just thought we had grown apart...but later I thought about it. He was right, we out grew each other...my NEED for him was gone. Not my respect for him as a person, but my real need for his support and encouragement was no longer a daily thing. I had respect for myself and could stand on my two feet. He was right. As soon as he was done healing the Broken Bird, they flew the nest. There is no real blame for it. Neither party is then getting their needs met. He wants to protect, shelter and love her like a treasure....while she has grown to stand up on her own, become independent, and believe in herself. Sheltering becomes stifling, protecting becomes obsession, and love doesn't feel like real love anymore. It is human nature to grow and better themselves. It is not her fault that she doesn't want to be protected any longer. And it's not his fault for wanting to protect still.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Eventually he will find the woman that doesn't mind the man being in charge, taking care of her, protecting her, and cherishing her. This may mean she agrees to stay home, raise kids, cook dinner and clean house. It may not. To a lot of people this may seem 'old fashioned' but there are BOTH male and female that still feel this way and want this lifestyle.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I think it's very possible that one day, after healing and releasing so many broken birds, one of them may choose to stay. And that's okay.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Cheaters Win Sometimes

I have this topic from four of my ladies and one man, but their experiences are soooo different that I have to be pretty broad to write what they want me to. I can relate to three of them, the ones that were cheated ON...but I was very open minded and listened to the cheaters as well. I have to say, yes, I understand what you as a person went through to make that choice, but honestly, I still don't think things needed to be that way. I can't and won't change my values, even if I give my understanding on individual cases. So how do we let or make this happen?~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mistresses and Lovers have been around since the dawn of time. It wasn't right then, and it isn't right now, but it happens, it is COMMON. More common than Faithfulness. What is your view of cheating? Some have it so anchored down to it being even the thought of another person. My question is how does anyone, especially your loved one, know who and what you are thinking unless you decide to see what happens and TELL them about it? I don't mean that you have to omit information, but if you see it as a fault in yourself and you know they would be upset, then FIX YOURSELF don't share it. Looking? Come now, we all do it. Some swear they don't, but they do. Just because merchandise looks good doesn't mean we are going to buy it. Why bother when the person inside the good looks is just more work? Look, admire, turn and walk away. Easy. Next would be flirting...this is a tough one for me. We all have different ideas on this one and not one of the five could agree. So I decided to say my piece, and I am probably wrong, which I am often. I don't think flirting is necessarily BAD. It can be banter back and forth that goes no where, it's just for fun between two people that know beyond a doubt that it is exactly that, just fun. You see old happily married men wink at young girls behind the counter at a store just to see them smile. That is flirting, and that is okay. If it goes past this to any of the next examples, then there is a problem way deeper than harmless flirting. Exchanging phone numbers. No. Big no. I have been asked for mine, and I did not know what to say because they acted as if we would go out for lunch or some such thing when I knew it was more than that but did not want to assume. So I did what any honest woman would do... I gave it to him...with the last number being wrong. So if he asks you to repeat it you just have to remember the last number you changed. :) Yup, done it. Sorry guys. Talking on the phone or computer to the opposite sex and getting personal. No. I 'flirt' with only the ones that KNOW it is just for fun, and the screen is up right there for my husband to see. More often than not it is a mutual friend of ours that I am harassing. If you are going to talk on the phone or the computer, you better make sure that your spouse can read/listen to the whole thing without getting upset. If you don't feel comfortable letting your spouse do this, than yes, you are in the wrong. Meeting up with someone? Depends. Meeting up WITH mutual partners, that is okay. Without? No. My rules for our house were set between my husband and I long before we were married. No man in the house if he is not home...no woman in the house if I am not home. Period. It doesn't happen. I don't care if she is nearing 100 years old, there is no reason for it. My husband is often told to go on lunch meetings, and if there is a small group, he makes sure one or more is male. Kissing? It's cheating. Don't say "Well I didn't sleep with him, it was just a kiss", because it wasn't just a kiss. Yeah, your conscience woke up just in time, but even that simple kiss was cheating. Sex? Yeah, you went ahead and cheated. No sob story of you feeling lonely, or being separated, or he cheated first, can get you out of this one. If you are with someone, and you enjoy a sexual relationship with another, you cheated. No questions asked. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I can go on and on about how all it takes is for you to say, "I'm done" and walk away, but someone is going to have something to say about it. It really is that simple. Yeah it sucks that they are going to scream and yell, but it will hurt them a LOT less if you did it honestly rather than screw around behind their back. One knife is better than two... but enough on that.~~~~~~~~~~~ Cheaters have excuses...they say things to 'fix' it, to make it better for themselves, to get themselves out of trouble, and us dummies WANT to feel better so we accept it. Honestly, with how much we take from the Cheaters so we don't feel betrayed and still have hope, just goes to show that Cheaters DO win sometimes.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Do You Remember?

Music...It's what my husband uses to communicate even after all these years. Music is one of those things that help me remember certain things, people and places...good memories. I remember the old stereo speakers blinking all sorts of colors when my mom put on her 'Monkies' album (and 'album' is a circle vinyl CD that we used to put a needle on while it spun around to play the music) I remember memorizing all the songs because she sat down on the floor with us and told us the words while she sang. She would explain what it meant, and we were mesmerized by her voice. I remember being afraid at night when all three of us little girls shared a room and we would beg our big sister to sing "Silent Night". Most times I fell asleep in the middle of it. She has our mother's voice. I still use it as a comfort when things get stressful. I remember sitting in my brothers "off limits" room (except to me it seemed)and listening to "Acappella" while listening to the stupid stuff my brother and his friend did the night before. I liked the close relationship we had and that he felt he could talk to me or around me without fear...and I still have that with him. It also reminds me of the times before drama and stress of growing up, when nothing bad really happened and if it did I was oblivious. I remember my boyfriend going off to the Army but calling me before he left to tell me to turn on the radio. A music request came just for me from him called "Right Here Waiting" and that song both comforted and haunted me for years after. Just the first three notes would have me crying or quickly changing the channel for 13 years. It's also the song I got married to many, MANY years later. (To Him) I can't stand Simon and Garfunkel except for one song...If I hear it I will know it. One of the first memories I have of my parents are them dancing to that song. I learned from that one song, and the vision it brings, what love means and what it looks like. I felt it. I might have been small but I know that peace they gave in the room when they forgot my sister and I were there watching them just for a moment. When I miss my Dad I sing "Zipadee Do Dah" because that's what he used to sing for no reason other than he was happy and that was one of the songs he could sing really well. (Okay, I have to say that I would have to take after my dad in the singing department...it's not good, but we mean well) He always came up with silly songs but I don't think he ever completed them. All I know is he enjoyed doing it, and being silly, and us kids were a great audience. I remember "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" by Whitney Houston ONLY because my mom showed us how to swivel our hips to it. She could hit all the high notes, and I have never heard anyone but Whitney sing that song as well as my mom could. Figure eight girls, figure eight! She knew what she was talking about, that dance still works when it needs to. Do YOU Remember?

Saturday, February 11, 2012

The EX Files

Heart break teaches you something. Each and every person you had a relationship with TAUGHT you something in your life. Too many people actually get hurt by the person they are no longer with that they don't realize this and use it to their advantage. But I am here to say, for myself, that staying ugly and mean about a situation that didn't work is a waste of your time. You are blind to what GOOD it taught you. I choose, for this post, not to allow myself to be negative toward any of my loves and instead write what I believe they taught me instead. (Some I don't have ANY hard feelings toward at all-just want to say that) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My first love went from childish behavior of stealing his hat to annoy him, to him actually giving the hat to me to say what he couldn't. I learned that those feelings I had were okay to have, and I learned how to show affection to another person other than my family. We went from irritating each other like siblings, to cuddling together one night without kissing or sex. It truly was my first lesson in affection to the male species. (Very fond memories) My second relationship taught me to listen, to have patience, and to support someone I cared about. He showed me that there are all different family types and not all are as wonderful as my own. He taught me to cherish myself and the life I had. (long talks on the roof top) Another relationship taught me that more than just two people were affected good and bad, by our relationship. He taught me how others respond to jealousy and how to lessen those feelings in others by not reacting. He also showed me how to kiss more than a peck on the cheek or quickly on the lips. (oh my) I had a relationship that showed me rushing into things isn't smart, that I should take my time. He showed me that endurance in the race doesn't always mean you will win. He also showed me that just because I believe in someone and work hard on building their confidence, it doesn't always mean I will be believed. Just because you can stick together doesn't always mean it is the healthiest thing to do. (9 long years) Another taught me that men CAN have conversations all night long and that men DO have something to say. They listen to how you feel and don't always want to fix it. He showed me that it was possible to feel loved and protected while I learned to love myself and grow strong in myself. He also showed me it was okay to let go. It was okay to reach and end and not have hard feelings with the other, to stay friends. (another wounded bird) ~~~~~~~~~~ And finally, the relationship I now enjoy...he has taught me that being a father of children doesn't mean you had to create them. He has shown me that if you set goals you can reach them if you trust in God and keep moving through the obstacles. He showed me that trust is possible if you wake every day with the same promise and a kiss. He showed me that fights, even the hard ones, DO end with results that are positive, not the ending of a relationship. And most of all, he shows me every day that I am exactly who I should be, I am worth loving, my words have value, my feelings are valid, and that there is no one, NO ONE more important to him than me. I married him. :) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It is possible to survive abuse, neglect, disrespect, cheating, divorce...all of this. Those lessons make you who you are, and lead you in the right direction to find a relationship that is worth going the long run. You step back, take stock of yourself and the damages, and take note of what you learned. No blame. Just a lesson in life.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

White Knight

*****(This one came to me because of a question a friend asked-so thank you A)***** Who says there is no such thing as a fairy tale love? Who says your story of how you met and fell in love is not movie material? I believe all of us have that, and the more we think about it, and the more we share it, our love story DOES become a fairy tale. I can guarantee that if you have been married five years or more than you have spiced up your first meeting that it certainly CAN be used in Disney's next movie. Not saying the 'happily ever after' is always grand, but it COULD be. (Maybe that's why the fairy tales don't have anything after the wedding...because they know it's hard work and would be less appealing.) Two years into marriage and you are struggling with the bills, five years into marriage and you are struggling with kids, ten years into marriage and you are struggling with career changes, fifteen years later you are trying to survive through the teen years and realizing you forget your spouse more often than not, twenty years and you are watching kids leave home and dreaming of retirement, thirty plus years and you are looking at your spouse wondering 'who are you?'. If you survive all this, you can look back and say you had the fairy tale. The times you were at wits end are now funny stories to tell. The arguments and struggles you had are what you use to advise your adult children. The crazy memories and events you survived are what you use to get to know your spouse all over again.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Just because your marriage is not like Jane and John does not mean it is any less perfect. It is all about YOU. You are your own person, and you found someone that loved you for BEING that person. You love them for how they make you feel, what they offer your life, and how hard they work beside you to have that fairy tale. You wake up each morning and think, "I decide I love him/her today, and I want to be committed in this relationship". Daily. Every single day. I can't say what is right or wrong for my sisters. Because they are different than I am, because their needs are different than mine, they have men that meet those needs (more often than not, truthfully). I have my match. They have what is good for them, what God has decided they need in their life, and I have mine. We get to complain about our Prince Charming with each other (just as they get to rag on their Sleeping Beauty and Snow White as well) but we can't really compare.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I like my fairy tale just as it is. Hard stuff and all. He loved me when he was a kid, he searched the U.S. for me, he never forgot me, and he 'rescued' me where I hope to live Happily Ever After. He is, in fact, my stubborn thickheaded loudmouthed pushy bratty White Knight...and that is PERFECT for my fairy tale life.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Hidden Talents

My second in line teen son came to the livingroom and announced that he was going to try out for the glee club. Before I could laugh, which was my true intention (since I try not to lie), his older brother said, "That's not your thing, that's more *the little brother's* thing." (*I don't put my kids names in the blog) To which his brother responded, "Yeah, you're right", and mimicked the actors on TV. He made a joke of it, but WHAT IF he really meant it and we messed that moment up? The boys seem to have found their place, their talent, all except for the oldest. He is pretty quiet and shy, so it's hard for him to join a club or other activity unless he is forced. But he still asks me what he should join and what is he good at. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If I was going to judge, just sorta pick one for each kid it would be like this: My oldest should be in an art or construction class. He is great at creating, although he skips details due to boredom. I also think because of his speed and strength that he would be good at swimming and track. My second son is pretty intellectual, willful and determined. That's why he is in Raiders (military club in school) and FBLA (young business course). He loves to mentally and physically challenge himself. My third is a daredevil, loves attention, and is NOT shy at all. He is in choir in school, joins groups in the community for such activities, as well as posting his own dance video on You Tube. That's why the older brothers stated he would be the one to try out for the Glee Club when he is older (which he probably will). I don't want to be a parent that sees what I want to see in my kid and makes a judgement call on who they REALLY are. If my Raider wants to be in Glee club, why not?! If my shy one wants to do a play for the community, I should jump for joy, not give him more excuses and fears. If my third one wants to be in Raiders, small as he is, then I should say GO FOR IT! and not panic about the injuries he will come home with. Who says they can't do what they want? Who says I have a right to tell them 'that's not your thing'? Who says we, as parents, have to form everythingabout them? We give them morals and values, we give them a good foundation, but eventually they are going to need to figure out what makes them tick. That child that hated reading may grow up to be a wonderful and talented author. The kid who couldn't carry a tune as a teen may be the next pop singer. (Hello? Cindy Lauper?) Shame on us for deciding WHO THEY ARE before they even figured it out. Be their cheering squad!!! Don't bury a special gift by accident. Back off, give them room to breath and grow, and regardless of your misgivings...let them show their hidden talents.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Abortion and the Fathers View

This is a subject brought to me by a total of THREE men now. I promised myself that if a touchy subject came up three times by three different people in a request to write it, then I would. It actually scares me to death to put this out there. Just know, that these are my views only because of personal relationships with these gentlemen and how it affected them. Abortion is a scary subject, and an even tougher thing to get through. Most people blame or judge a woman, but never think of the MAN. I am not going to get into the political or religious views, that's not what this is about this time.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What happens when a woman wants a child and a man doesn't? She can still have that child if she wants. When he requests an abortion because she was clear on his views, she can choose NOT to. He has to be a father to a child he specifically asked not to have, at least not yet. She has complete control. People don't realize what the man has gone through, and how that control was taken out of his hands. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Then there is the other side of the coin. What happens when a woman gets pregnant and SHE does not want the child? The man says he does want the baby but can't convince her to have it. She brings up the line of "It's my body, YOU don't have to suffer with getting fat and giving birth", and she is right. He has no rights to the child she carries even though it is HIS child. He has to stand back and let her end it's life. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So either way, the guy is screwed. If he doesn't want a child, the woman can force him to become a father. If he DOES want a child, she can take that away. We can't pin it down to married or unmarried, it happens in many situations. Most times BOTH situations end the relationship. The man is frustrated that he is being forced to become a father against his will OR devastated that the chance to BE a father was taken from him. Can this be fixed? Surprise pregnancies happen all the time, but we don't realize that not just the woman is affected by it. Men have strong feelings about it also, even if THEY are not the one that has to CARRY the child. They should have a choice in the matter.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

A Person of Value

I have noticed that some people 'pretend' to listen when someone talks to them. They mumble when they should, nod at times, then find a way to get out of the conversation. I don't mind it, I pay attention enough to see it happening, and see the conversation dull down until they leave. That way, the ones that WERE talking and enjoying the banter back and forth can continue without needing to watch what is said. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I was told this is 'bad manners'. That I should do more to include the entering party into the conversation. My issue with that is that it is perfectly okay to come in and chit chat in a group, add your two cents, get things going in a new and interesting direction. That is what we call conversation. It's fun for all, most of the time. Then you get a power hungry person who hears one or two words, forms and opinion, marches up to the group and announces that opinion, then stands there waiting to be validated. It is a defensive stance, it is an 'I dare you to disagree' face, but they don't say any more. There is no explanation on why they made that choice, or why it was important for them to interject. They just stand there. That means they are looking for an argument, and I was taught to be careful with what I say. So as the group slides carefully back into the fun banter they had moments before without causing grief to the new member, that member eventually finds a way out. I feel bad for them, I wish I could have had something to say to their remark, but it was brought into the group in a negative manner. I have not yet learned how to deal with this situation, and it happens a lot. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A lot of times I think they have value in what they say, a reason for their thoughts, and I would honestly like to know where it comes from. It's just not always the right time, especially if they have mistaken the subject and jumped into it with just pieces of info. I believe that their thought came from somewhere and I want to find a way to make it okay for them to talk, no matter how they came into it. Sometimes, it is a power position that prevents me from doing what I know is right. Like boss to employees. How do you explain the subject to the boss when she clearly misunderstood? If you try, it makes you seem as if you are talking down to her in an attempt to explain. We all just give looks, ease into a different topic, and wait... It feels terrible. I have my moments too, where I look like a dummy jumping in. But they know I have humor in myself so they laugh at me and I join them, while they explain what they were REALLY talking about. It's okay to rib me. I make it okay. They value my friendship, my thoughts, and they know I value them as well. We pull people in, we make sure to laugh and joke and ease tempers. I have people close to me that question what I say all the time. Probably because I don't make myself clear. Most come to me and say "what did you mean" and I can explain. Not just to them, but anyone else that may have understood. Others get defensive in their own imaginings. They give ugly remarks, or they ignore me for what they believe to be a personal affront to their character. For that I say I am sorry. I value you and your opinion. I will do better at minding my manners and finding a way to make that awkward moment pass for all of us. For the ones that ignore me....well, that might be best. I really don't want to put effort into someone that doesn't believe I am worth the effort to them, now do I? I can live with that. This just means I will have a smaller group to work with until I perfect my imperfections. :)

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Keep Your Mouth Shut More Often

When someone asks for your opinion, please PLEASE think first. You have to know who they are and why they are asking. It doesn't mean your opinion is going to change, but how you state it might. How much you reveal certainly may. How honest you could be, how brutal you may have to be, how detailed you are...it all depends on who they are and how much you actually know and experienced. If you don't know what they are going through, please refrain from 'advice'. You can't have a very good opinion if you have not experienced somewhat what they are going through. If you give your opinion without this knowledge, it is based on assumptions and could lead them in the wrong direction. You think you know what you would do in that situation, but you honestly can't say unless you were in it yourself. I had some views on what I would do about certain things in life, but I did opposite of what I said I would do when I actually EXPERIENCED it. If you haven't had a child, don't give parenting advice. Babysitting is NOT the same. If you haven't been married, don't give advice to wives having issues, a boyfriend is not the same. If you have not had a teen on drugs, don't tell a parent how to 'treat' it, watching documentaries doesn't help the real thing. If you don't have a disabled child, don't preach on how to make them 'normal', every child is different and the mother knows her child better. If children and spouse are having trouble adjusting to a deployed parent, don't tell them 'everyone goes through it' when you haven't. Having a spouse in the service during the war is different than having a spouse in the service withOUT a war. Being away is the same, having a gun pointed at or a bomb under your loved one makes it considerably different. If you have been there with them, you have struggled with them, you have learned through their talks or visits and they lean on you...you can choose to listen or you can choose to talk. Sometimes when they ask your opinion, it is perfectly okay to say, "I honestly don't know what you are going through. I feel for you, and I am here for you. If you need to talk and go through some options, I will be here to listen." I don't have a child in college that is doing more partying than studying. I don't have a husband that is unable to find a job. I don't have an ex in the wings dictating my life. I don't have a pregnant teen that won't come home for me to take care of. I don't have any idea what to do about any of these things. But I DO know how to hug, to listen, to ask questions, and to help do research with them beside me. I can't give answers, I just don't have the tools to do so. So sometimes keeping your mouth shut really is just as important as stating your opinion. If you need a hug and an ear, I can do that.