Note to Self Esteem "Come Back!"

Okay, per past blogs, you know that my weight is something I am struggling with. No, I am not one of those ‘skinny’ ladies that imagine a pooch of a belly. No, I am not ‘big boned’ either. I am of average size 5’6” holding on my average frame a person and a half. If normal for me is a buck fifty, then I have 40 cents I need to spend. Not healthy. Not happy. I stopped smoking on April 1st. I thought it would not affect me. The biggest fear a woman smoker has while quitting is to gain weight. Tah-dah! I am not invincible. Now instead of fighting smoking, I am fighting weight gain and low self esteem. The ladies at work are losing their winter weight together by walking. You can see them slim down while showing off their spring and summer clothes as the weather warms up. Me? I run a mile in the morning, sometimes two, and try to get back on it at night for a 2nd or 3rd mile of the day. What do I get for it? Sweat, and continued use of my winter clothes. I have a serious attitude. I have called myself some not-so-good names in the mirror. And my poor husband…sigh. So imagine my surprise: A gentle man comes in all the time for change. He either drives a big truck or his Harley. He is usually pretty quiet, and gruff acting. Imagine my surprise when he asked for my number (which he did not get), gave me a wink, and did a kiss noise as he drove away. Hmmm. What gives? Another gentleman comes in regularly to handle his business accounts. Always laughing and smiling. Well, this morning he says “you look good!” I smile with a polite thank you, and he responds with “I’m not joking. I say that to be friendly with everyone, but for you I am telling the truth.” Serious face on him, shocked face on me.~~~~~~ Maybe they can’t see the bottom half of me, since it’s all work done at a window of the bank. Maybe their view is fogged or skewed by the glass window. ~~~~~~~But then a coworker walked behind me and said “looking better and better every day”. (Joking happens all the time, I don’t take offense easy to comments) I turned and said “No, it’s getting worse, don’t lie please.” To where he answered, “I am not your husband, so I have no reason to lie about how you look. I am not lying.” So I stood there dumbfounded. ~~~~~I see it in the mirror and I see it on the scale. I am not traditionally ‘pretty’ where my looks could hide a few extra pounds. They are clearly visible to me. Ten negative pounds ago I was taking pictures and flaunting my curves. Ten plus pounds later I am squeezing extra curves into my clothes!~~~ If I were to put value into what someone else thinks, which I normally don’t, why can’t I believe what three different men tell me?! They are the opposite sex, and as far as they are saying, I can still attract their attention. So why doesn’t this lift my spirits? Why can’t I see myself the way they see me?! Did my self esteem disappear pound for pound? If you see it, or know of some bait used to catch it, please let me know. (This done while ignoring the grumbling in my stomach, begging for food rather than water and pretzels for lunch.)