Grey Rainbow

I know it’s a type of depression, I know it can be fixed, and I know it can be fought through…but is it really worth it? I have family whom I love and adore, and that I miss greatly. I want to go home and spend time with them like I used to. I want those great adventures and crazy predicaments that we got ourselves in. I want all of that, which is what makes me truly happy. But then…. I am the only fat girl in my family. I am the only one that won’t be able to keep up on bike rides or hikes. I will be the one covered from head to toe when swimming. I am the one that will be left behind. I will be the one that avoids the camera when we try to document our adventure. I will be the one that doesn’t smile when I get tricked into a photo. I will be the one that doesn’t come over for potlucks because I will look foolish eating in front of everyone. With all that said, is missing my family the same amount of pain as actually seeing them again and feeling like I am not fit to be around on a daily basis? I keep thinking, while I am away, I should back off emotionally starting now. Besides, who really wants my grey attitude leaking into all of their wonderful colors?