Dents and Holes

 If you know my husband and I, then you know we have an entire shelf on our bookcase dedicated to all sorts of self help books, life inspiration books, and teen trouble shooting books.  No single book has had the miracle answers, but many of them had some great ideas that we tried out.  Some worked and others didn't.

My husband and I read this book by Gary Chapman called the 5 Love Languages. Interesting.  Well, to be honest, it was slow in many places and the only reason we didn't skim read is because we thought that one important fact would be skipped over.  So like being forced to eat our peas at dinner and eating them one at a time, we forced our way to the 'test's' in the back.  That's the fun part! 

What did we find out?  We found out that my husband needs Words of Affirmation to feel loved and I needed Action.  I was doing for him what needed to be done for me.  I was making his coffee, picking up uniforms from the cleaners when he asked, and making sure he had a dinner he enjoyed and the things were done around the house to his standard.  I was grew more and more resentful as the years went by because he didn't notice a thing!!!

He was telling me he loved me when he came home and before he left for work.  He was saying he appreciated having his things were he could find them or that I could find what he asked for.  He was saying he was glad that I took care of the kids and their activities the way I did because he didn't have the patience.  He told me that the dogs do well listening to me above all others.  But I would nod and move on.  It was just a bunch of words. 

Well, I showed him affection the way I wanted it back.  I wanted action, not words.  I wanted to be SHOWN, not told.  He showed me affection the way he needed it back, in affirming words.  He wanted it confirmed that he was doing things right, and I rarely responded in a way that made him feel I had noticed he spoke.

Reading that book, we had that "Ah ha!" moment.  Since then (this past Thursday night) we have worked on forcing ourselves to change how we give our love to the other.  In a way the other person recognized and needed. 

He decided to 'show' me he loved me by taking on the morning chores of shopping and bill paying.  He never really complained, he laughed most of the frustration off, even though it took him several hours to finish up. 

I 'told' him how much I appreciated him taking over a difficult task for me, especially on payday, and was very pleased that he had paid less for the groceries than the bill normally is.  I affirmed that I was grateful for his patience in chaos, and that the family had their needs met because of his help.

He 'showed' me he loved me by picking up a child from practice, even though I was the same distance away and normally did the task. 

I 'told' him how grateful I was to be able to go right home and stay there after work instead of leaving the house again. 

He smiled more, so did I.  We figured out that this book is worth reading if you are at one of those bumps in marriage that you hear others talk about and think you are going to miss out on because you are just that in love.  No marriage is perfect.  It takes work.  I am thankful that my husband (who hates reading) actually did this with me and took the tools he learned to fix some things.  It's new, it might not last forever, or it may be sporadic, but we have the tools.

Have you thought about finding some tools to patch up some dents and holes in your marriage?  Or do you have one that is 'just that good' and think you don't need it?  Well, if you change your mind, I recommend this book.  Seriously.
Just like when your mama says eat your vegetables, they are good for you, please push yourself past the slow parts and you will benefit by getting the full information.  It's worth it.

It sure enlightened us:
http://books.usatoday.com/book/gary-chapman-the-5-love-languages/l17345