We were talking at work when Matt S., a co-worker, explained that we all have a natural self-bias toward our children. Since the place is filled with women besides him, they all started talking over him telling him how untrue that was. Well, I had to agree. After talking above the hens, he made his point, and it was a good one! I want to share it here.~~~~~~~~
We all think our child is cuter, more talented, more athletic and better behaved than the neighbors kid. It's our right as a parent to believe so. Is it true? Sometimes. Sometimes not. But no one can convince us otherwise. THAT is self bias. Now the problem arose about 'your child vs a step child'. Since I am a step parent myself and have been since the age of 20, my ears perked up. Touchy subject for some, so hear me out. You would not want to admit that you love your own biological children more, so don't. Right now, don't even think in that direction. Think instead this way...~~~~~~~~~
Do you give your step children the same things as you do your own? Do you make your stepchildren do the same chores as your own? Do you feed them the same? Make them follow the same rules? Spend the same time with them alone and in a group? Do they go to the same events? Get the same rewards and punishments? If you say yes, then you are doing a wonderful loving job with your step child. Yes, you love them and you show them that love every day as if they were your very own. Nothing can convince you otherwise. Wonderful! :) You are a great step parent and that child knows they hold a special place in your heart. ~~~~~~~~~~
But that little feeling, that little difference IS there. I am a step parent, and I love my daughter like no other, and I believe I spoil her more than my own children, but I am NOT her mother and my heart knows it. Before my divorce I was a step mom at a young age to a wonderful boy that I still keep tabs on even though he is no longer my step son. It may be different if we were the sole parents even if I was not a biological mom, but the truth is we aren't. Every year we have to figure out who my daughter is and fall in love with her again. (I choose not to use the word 'step' when talking about my daughter...that's just my choice.) She fills my heart, but not in the same way my own children do. It's a feeling, and not one that most step parents would share out of guilt.~~~~~~~~
In the end, the other female co-workers understood his point and it put a different spin on how they were dealing with things in their own families. It took a gentlemen without his own children to tell us ladies that it was okay and completely normal to feel different without the added stress of guilt. Even non-step parents have a way of understanding this self bias. But us 'steps' put so much pressure on ourselves already that we add guilt where we don't need to.
(I know God had a plan when he gave me all sons and gifted me with my one and only daughter, my STEP daughter, and I was able to give her a special piece of my heart that a son didn't have.)~~~~~~~~~
Self Bias is NORMAL, it's NATURAL, it's us grooming and conditioning our gene pool. It just IS and it's OKAY.
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